Egg Shell Stepper

Egg Shell Stepper turned 9 today! 9 years ago I started my journey of finding a platform where I could unbiasedly spill my soul!

It is now over a year later, I am still alone but it is now ‘another day’. I hope this painful process is worth it....

Just keep moving sweetheart, you are worth so much more, you have av value that few of tasted. There’s a reason people have called me an angel. There’s a reason that people do not understand me. There’s a reason that even someone I knew for 24 years could never get a read on me… There’s a reason that after doing IQ testd they would be a bit bewildered and just tell my mom that I thought differently, they didn’t quite know how or where to categorize my different thinking. It wasnt that I was dense, but neither was I a genius. They just couldnt box me…

I thought of you when I read this quote from "The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals with Soul" by Danielle LaPorte - "When the resistance is gone, so are the demons. —Pema Chödrön" Start reading this book for free:

I think I'm too anxious, can my heart ever rest, it's part of hypervigilance from an abusive past, always on alert and ever watchful of subtle changes to any emotions. Perhaps it's a bit on the paranoid side... I really hope not, so often takennfor granted and lied to that I at times can become like others who are so afraid to get hurt that they run at the first hint of an emotional connection. I don't want to be like that, I want emotions to have the freedom of the wind, to be a sift whisper or conpletely still to the unmistakable hurricane and everything in between. I don't believe that love is a constnt emotion that just plateaus. It rises and falls and changes in intensity, it's hardiness made evident in the fact that it continues to climb the precipe that is life.

The dreaded limerance, thst confusing state that reminds me how I amthe only one feeling anything. How I wish I could enter into a communication with someone and their promises were real, matched to real emotions. Trying to stop myself from taking this latest interaction too seriously, he really is sweet but I have to be real. So many men I've met disconnected as quick as a wink because they only want sex. Some just don't want emotions to be part of the deal. I have to seriously reign my emotions in yet I want to love with complete abandon. Some people I've come to realize only want that initial connection and stroke to their ego and that's their relationship fix. No depth, no commitment, just an empty fantasy.

For the first time it feels like I've met someone with real potential. I really don't know why I even swiped right, knowing my impossible financial situation. Knowing that the possibility of meeting someone 2 continets away was zero. He's cute, shows a soft side hasn't asked me for a single naked selfie hasn't said a single thing to make me feel uncomfortable. And our first interaction was one long chat. We've chatted since but not much. Just painful to think that we can't even go for coffee and the risk of leaving home for me to meet him is just way too much. His profile easy ticks 90% of my boxes, everyone I've previously met probably ticks 50% of them max. It's a bit heartbreaking. Also heartbreaking not knowing if he's actually serious about a relationship or just flirting. I'm emotionally exhausted with all the men who call me gorgeous, beautiful, lovely, sexy ect. and never actually show real intent. They are completely clueless as to what it.does.to me emotionally.

This past week marks 14 years since my little sister passed away, I have never doubter that she is in heaven. I felt so afraid for her when I realized that my abusive ex was in heaven too and I feared for her safety, afraid that he would hurt her because she was vulnerable and because he had so much aggression towards me and it would be his ultimate revenge towards me. The thought of him in heaven with jer has challenged my viee of heaven, where I have to realign it to the fact that we are changed. I still hope he doesn't recognize her. He was such a horrid person when he walked this earth. Although I have to forgive him often, im moving past seeing him as someone that I need to recognize in my life. A few days ago I hid the message I had posted on my Facebook timeline where I said a final goodbye to him. After realizing the damage he caused in his son's life an mine I realized how undeserving he was to get any credit from the very people that he often tried to kill/dominate or control.

"Are you alone" really means 'can I come over for sex'. My standard answer is 'I'm seldom alone, I'm a single mom' that tends to be an instant conversation killer which is proof that they're just interested in a hookup. 'What car do you drive or do you make a lot of money?' This is translated as I'm really looking for a sugar mommy.

I just can't understand why I so desperately want to be loved. I was okay with ignoring my need for a while but then I decided to give tinder a try again. I matched with someone and for the first time in aages I had zero reservations and it felt like there was romantic intent. It's so wonderful to wake up to " Good morning Gorgeous!" Or "Good morning beautiful!" I think he's just a good flirt and really had no intention of a relationship. But it has kindled the forest fire that has exposed my deep yearning to be loved. The bottomless pit that the narcissist I married chose create. I just want someone to genuinely love me not lust me like everyone else.

So I thought I'd try out online dating again and I matched someone on tinder. I realized how all along I've pretty much missed the fun part of meeting someone new as I've met so many people who just want to play with my emotions and I've been acting reserved so I thought "let me step this up a bit and flirt right back". It struck me that I'm a bit useless at flirting and in fact I don't know how to flirt. I'm now googling "how to flirt via text" as I realized how I've treated most interactions with men as friendship for fear of being hurt again.

Let me make peace with these new demons, the ones where other’s have transferred their guilt to me. I don’t even need to fight them as I’ve been fighting bigger demons for the past 16 years. These are just an inconvenience and they’re trespassers.

Today I contemplate the loss of my ex, he was tortured soul. I feel for the loneliness he endured after we left, I feel for the fear he lived with when he knew he had a siezure. I feel grief over his last days - I know my own loneliness and yet I am blessed to live with my son and Mom. Yes I feel guilty that he was alone, with his condition he should never have lived alone. I know how much depression plagued him and how much he obsessed over insignificant things, I know how much it hurt him to realize that his mental capacity had declined and he could not easily provide for himself. I know how distorted and twisted his version of life’s events were. I know how desperately he wanted people to like him. A part of me wishes he was not dead so his life could be fixed and he could experience joy and peace and excellent medical care in this life… but the other part of me knows that this is best because we are both at peace finally. I am assured that he was saved so he is completely free of his ailments he no longer knows loniness or heartache. He no longer battles with depression and taking medication 3 x a day… Every single day and he no longer battles with difficult speech or extreme forgetfulness. Never again will he experience the severe headaches, fatigue and unaccounted for bruises or cuts from a siezure. He has been granted the healing that I spent over 12 years praying for, he has been granted a release from the meds that he despised because of the way they dulled his senses and distorted perceptions and made him someone else. Finally free of the eroding clay vessel.

A chapter has ended and life goes on. How confusing to be glad that one has been taken from this mortal fabric and yet grieve at the same time. I was given news yesterday that my ex had passed away. His brother in law phoned me first, he had just found the body, he'd had a seizure and hit his head on the bathroom floor which led to severe haemorraging. A chapter closed and a sad end to a tragic life. This is the person who molded my life for 24 years, the person who ate my soul and robbed my child of a carefree childhood. How do you grieve for something like that? There's a sense of relief knowing that I'll never be haunted by the threat of him re entering my life, a relief that my son now has his life back and he doesn't have to fear the ever present possibility that his father will just pitch up unannounced demanding to see him. Yet under that of all there is grief, grief that he died alone and grief that yes... In spite of his abuse I loved him and I feel for the fact that his last 3 and a half years were spent lonely and more tormented than ever. He chose to wean himself off meds for epilepsy that he had been on for over 34 years. It was not my place to intervene as I knew that by mailing him back it would give the false illusion that I wanted him back in my life. Two weeks ago he sent me a mail saying that I love him and why am I not with him as every moment we are away from each other counts... This from a person who I have not spoken to in 3 years and whose calls I repeatedly reject. He'd created his own illusion of what a great husband and father he was. But perhaps that was a good thing so he didn't wallow in the wrongs of his deeds. Mixed emotions... Both my son and I feel so mixed up, my son keeps saying "I don't know how to feel" his first reaction when I told him of his fathers death was happiness, then guilt that he felt that way, he said 'I'm free' . I recall him saying many a time that the only time he will ever feel safe is if his father were dead. To have that made real felt like an illusion he said he thought it was not real. The shock hasn't yet set in.

Will someone love my tangled soul

Ever felt that vacuous cavern of emptiness? That yearning for someone to fill it? The sudden awareness of being hollow? The realization that loneliness has followed me for too long... it hurts but at least it's an improvement on numbness. Being numb is so much worse.