to my greatest regret:
once, I picked a dandelion and held it
under your chin, and freckles and pollen
creased / folded / vanished
in your smile lines; in my mind the caption
reads “innocence.” sand coated our limbs
like a disintegrating skin. you
were a sea-creature and I never was
but neither of us had sank yet, then.
twice, I sat pressed against a sun-cooked
brick wall beside you, sharing secrets
and a cupcake, at the halfway point
between jealousy and anger,
mouthing / whispering / spitting
all the things nobody says out loud
because “what if everyone disagrees with me,”
and this at least we both understood.
thrice, I flicked you with paint in art class,
accidentally / on purpose / accidentally-on-purpose.
I let my fingers dry half-stuck together
and thought about how the teacher
avoided my eyes when she named
my skin’s undertones, about how
not all uncertainties are created equal.
too many times to remember, I stood
in front of someone, saying “I think
one of us is going mad.” sometimes
it was a mirror and sometimes
it was you and sometimes it was neither,
but we spent all that year in
wordless / senseless / endless
argument and this was no exception.
thrice, I wished for dragon wings;
I had their eyes already, glinting with
greed / hunger / cruelty,
so you circled your fingers around my wrist
like my mother’s bracelet, like some
forgotten ancestor’s handcuffs. sometimes,
now, I wonder whether you were keeping
me grounded or yourself upright,
whether you received
any inheritance of your own.
twice, I dreamed about you and
hospital rooms, about bright walls
and brighter lights and their
restless / ceaseless / noiseless
buzzing, about you soaked like a fading
photograph in a cold sun’s rays. I woke up
choking on the thick scent of sickness,
trying to swear I’d forget you, but you
always used to catch me sneaking
another lie from under my tongue.
once, you told me your favourite colour, and
this is all I have of you / this is all I have left of you / this is all I let myself have of you.
gracieabrams
ellievsbear
yousharknotpass
