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Day one of making a conscious effort. This relapse has been going on since my grandfather became gravely ill and passed away. I am at a dangerously low weight; one I have never reached before. And trying to gain weight is the last thing I want to do. This disorder can go fuck itself.

I'm back. Going through the worst relapse I've had, and trying to push through. I simply feel like a hypocrite posting about recovery when I myself have slipped. But you know what? It happens. It's an addiction. And I am giving myself slack for that. I hope you all are doing wonderfully. Please stay strong. Kate

But it's not. I'm still on a borderline weight. I still have triggers. I still restrict. And waiting to hear about this damn job is not helping. Nothing hurts more than not getting what you deserve. And my automatic response is to punish myself. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? Ha.

There is a family emergency. Obviously not helping this disorder, so I need to get myself together.

I am a functioning anorexic. I was watching an interview of a woman who was a functioning alcoholic, and it clicked. I am still recovering. I am relapsing. One day, it won't be a roller coaster. But until then, I need to fight forward and realize what I am fighting for. I am working extremely hard to get a promotion. Putting my heart and soul into it. And it has had a dramatic affect on mental status and weight. Does anyone have any advice about separating the stress of work and the voices?

The holy grail of all tips: get a pet. Whenever I have felt my lowest, have been restricting, have been battling urges… My cats remind me that I cannot let myself waste away. I simply can’t. I have to take care of them. They give me hope and give me drive to push forward. Seriously, look it up. Eating disorder patients with pets find recovery easier because of their animal. It is the maternal instinct in me. How could I allow myself to get to the point of hospitalization again? Or even worse. This disease kills, and people don’t realize that as much as they should. I have a girlfriend to support. Cats to take care of. Friends to love. A family to cherish. A life to live. Who knew so much wisdom could come from a cat. ;)

DON'T TAKE YOUR INSECURITIES OUT ON ME. THANKS. End rant.

Having a really rough time lately. Stress caused me to lose weight, and now I feel myself slipping into a relapse. I have all the advice in the world, but I’m human. And I’m going through a difficult patch. I simply take it day by day. I’m sorry for not posting as much as I had hoped; I am feeling like a hypocrite and I’m trying to pull myself out of this hole. I hope everyone is well, and fighting through. Don’t give up. You are beautiful, and worth the fight. So much love. Kate

Stress always triggers me. Always. Before, it was subconscious; I had no idea I was making that connection. But now I recognize when this transition is occurring. And I realize I have fallen into a bit of a relapse. I am 2 pounds away from being emaciated. And that is unacceptable. I keep making excuses like ‘I don’t have time to eat at work’ or ‘I don’t have the money to get some food’ blah blah blaaaah. BULL SHIT. These are EXCUSES. They are not real. They are not truthful. And that dark voice is whispering them in my ear. This is ED talking, not me. I deserve better. I deserve a nourished, healthy body. I deserve to feel energized and ready every day. And I’m not giving that feeling up. In the next couple of weeks I am definitely seeing some ensure and three meals a day, every day. When you are in recovery, you have to commit. Fully and whole heartedly. And like any addiction, relapse is normal. I saw a quote that really resonated with me a few days ago: IT IS OKAY TO ADMIT YOU ARE NOT OKAY. We are human. We make mistakes. But there comes a point where you need to pick yourself back up and continue taking care of yourself in order to live your life to the fullest. To excel at your career. To ENJOY the moments important moments in your life. If you need any advice or have any questions, please email me at my account for this blog. [email protected] Reblog and SPREAD THE WORD. Please. You are not alone. Much love, Kate.

I stumbled across this photo, and was absolutely shocked. There is so much pain in my eyes. I was never able to see that before. And yet it is clear as day. The fake smile covering up all the suffering… It is just unbelievable and heart wrenching to see myself in this position. Seeing how miserable I was is such an eye opener. This is my motivation to recover. My friends, my family, my girlfriend. Happiness. I can get through a day of work with energy. And not fake, caffeine energy. Real energy. My body can function normally now, and it does a damn good job. There is nothing quite like learning to respect your body and all of the amazing things it can do. I have been having quite a hard time fighting a relapse as of late; I will be honest. But seeing photographs like this, realizing how awful ED made my life, I know I can’t go back. Being able to think clearly, to work and advance in my career, to take part in family gatherings and dates with friends… Now that I have that back, I wouldn’t trade it for this disease. This misery. That voice will always be in my head. Always. Bit the strength of it is now up to me. My point being, to all of you in recovery, or those who are contemplating recovery, the light at the end of the tunnel is BLINDING. Absolutely blinding. When you are able to say ‘I am recovered from my disease…’ Even I can’t even imagine the pride and joy that would overcome myself the day I can state this. So please, talk to someone. Anyone. Get the ball rolling. Because I can promise you, and every single other woman and man who has recovered or is in recovery and is finally in control will tell you the same thing. Nothing is better than being on that other side. I can eat dessert with my family after dinner. Eat some damn fries when I’m craving something salty. Indulge. And not only that, I can NOURISH my body the way it deserves. I remember reading in a book about recovery that the biggest point that stood out to one woman about her recovery is the simple fact that she could finally put creamer in her coffee. During rock bottom of this disease, I read this and thought, ‘seriously?’ It sounded absolutely ridiculous. ED was in control. I was consumed. But the funniest thing is that now that I can recognize and separate that voice from my own mind, guess what my favorite part is. I can put creamer in my coffee. I CAN PUT CREAMER IN MY COFFEE, GUYS. And this is my favorite part of the morning. A morning ritual that reminds me of how strong I am. How far I’ve come. It’s the little things that will pull you out of the darkness. This is something I have learned through recovery and therapy. So, as I have said before, CELEBRATE your successes. They are not actions to be ashamed of. They are TRIUMPHS. You are literally punching ED in the face, and shit, does he deserve it. Get angry. You deserve health. You deserve life. I hope you all are pushing through and doing well. As always, please email me if you have any questions or need any advise whatsoever. Much love. Kate

The email I will be using for this account is [email protected]. Feel free to shoot me a message for any questions, some motivation, or to ask for a pick me up. Whatever you need.

I feel a bit like I’m opening an AA meeting. Haha. I wanted to give a little bit of background information on myself so you all can get to know me a bit better. I am 21, and have been suffering from anorexia nervosa for five years. I have been in recovery (willingly) for approximately one. I never thought I would be here. I got to the point at nineteen/twenty where I was so emaciated and depressed that nothing mattered anymore. Work, relationships, hobbies, none of it. Life was a burden to bare, and every single day it was the same record on repeat in my head: food, food, food… It never ended. It didn’t matter to me if I made it another day or not as long as I was losing weight. I wasn’t eating for days at a time, and I had literally given up on life. And now here I am. In recovery, enjoying life, and seeing all the beauty it has to offer. This did not happen over night, and is still a work in progress. So for all of you suffering from any type of eating disorder, or in the process of recovery, I get it. This disease is a personal hell. The way I see it is as split personality disease: there is the rational side, telling you to eat, to take care of yourself, and then there is this darkness, whispering in your ear and seducing you until you believe you are that darkness. You believe you are your eating disorder. And the first step for me to realize recovery was possible is that this voice is a LIE. You are NOT your disease. You are a strong person, a beautiful person, with dreams, goals, and ambitions. For me, it all had to do with showing my pain. I didn’t know how to use my words, or my messages weren’t getting through. So I restricted in order to show others just how miserable I was. I felt I deserved it. And just like that, it became an addiction. An obsession. My life. I have been in inpatient treatment, have seen many psychologists, went through group treatment for a year, etc. So quite obviously, my perspective did not change over night. But there were specific people in my life who turned that light bulb on. By sharing their stories, they lit a fire under my ass that hasn’t stopped burning. And I hope to be that person for you. If you follow this blog, PLEASE reblog or share. I am trying to get to as many people as possible. This is a HUGE issue in our generation, and it needs to be addressed. As I said, I am still in recovery. I have horrible days and wonderful days. Ups and downs. But I have learned how to take my life minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. And that is the first piece of advice I can offer. In recovery, you tend to think of the entire process, right? You think, there is NO way I can do this. It’s just too much to handle. Don’t look at it as a whole. Simply do not. Break it into tiny pieces and take it piece by piece. CELEBRATE your successes. If you have had a day without purging, with an extra meal, with even an extra bite in order to move closer to being healthy, you have done wonders. And I applaud you, because I know how hard that is. But once you master that little step, you can stabilize yourself and take the next, and the next after that. The one thing that is necessary in recovery is someone to talk to. Preferably a professional, if possible. And may I please say, if you follow me, my challenge to you would be to unfollow every pro-ana or pro-bulimia blog on this website. It has gotten out of control. And with all of those images, those ignorant messages, you can’t move. You can’t take a step. Once again, I am please asking that you reblog, send this link to someone in need, spread the word as much as possible. I will have beautiful stories of other women and their journeys soon, and if you would like to take part, please let me know. Stay strong. One minute at a time, beautiful. ❤️Kate

Remember the girl on the left? I’M BACK! :) I am HOPING that I can get to some of my old followers, and I welcome new ones. I wanted to let you all know what you should expect from this blog. I am going to document my recovery, and my struggles and triumphs. I also have many brave women who are willing to share their stories. If you, or anyone you know, would like to share your experiences, please message me and let me know. I want this to be a collaborative thing. Obviously, I will be posting quite a bit about my experiences, but I want this to be a community. A place to see that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Please feel free to message me if you need advice, have a question, or even just need a pick me up. Words cannot describe how excited I am to be back. Helping others is therapeutic to me, and I am hoping it will help me, and all of you, along your road to recovery. Much love to you all. ❤️ So many exciting things to come!!