Almost dEaD

Sometimes I sit back and think if and how life would have been different if we both hadn’t parted ways. How if you would have stayed here or if I would have chose you instead of the other. Or even if you did leave I would have stayed solid for you and came and visited you during that time you were away. Would we have lasted, would our love have been the same, would it have grown or would it have become stale like the stagnant air in a car with no AC. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and feel the urge to tell you that I am sorry that this is how life went. Or sometimes I wake up and wonder if you’d reach out and do the same. But at the same time you chose your life and I chose mine and we are both too stuck in our ways to bend and fold to each other. Maybe it was the night at the bar years ago me seeing you for the first time in forever, us dancing all night feeling like this was finally something that felt right. Then after the club is going back to hang out. On the ride back home to my place I kept thinking tonight is the night, the night I will tell you how I felt after all these years. Crazy thing is after that night, and us reconnecting. Through Snapchat messages and sending each other funny pictures I was willing to throw what I had all away just in hopes that we could make it work together but for real this time. Maybe it’s the fact that I still had that love for you and the thought of what if. Or it was just getting to finally see you, but I was ready to take that risk…fast forward a weeks you told me that we couldn’t keep talking because you were beginning to grow feelings for me again. The words I had been longing for since I saw you again but this time it was in the way of letting me go this time instead of me pushing myself away. You went ghost shortly after on me. Do you know how bad that hurt me? But I guess I deserved that in a sense. Years pass and I still think about you. Still wondering how you are. Still creep when I can. I know I know I have my own life now, shit I’d love to tell you about if we still talked. You know you came back in my life for a brief period there to wish me well and to congratulate me on a few life milestones. As I did to you and your birthday. But what really fucked me up is that it could have been us and that you didn’t stick around too long after that again disappearing like you do like a shadow in the night. There’s not a single moment in my life where I have felt so betrayed or just abandoned. Usually I don’t wish people well that walk away from me and out of my life but with you there’s something different. Maybe it’s because we never fully understood what we were doing. Yeah we loved but we never got to experience the full extent of our love. Maybe it’s because I still see you as that innocent girl just looking for someone to love and make memories with. Maybe that’s just how I’ll always see you regardless of where I am, who I’m with or where you are in life. You’ll always be that girl on my chest in the basement, you’ll always be that girl in my passenger seat, you’ll always just be THAT GIRL for me. And maybe I’m rambling but I still hold onto the words of what’s meant to be will eventually find its way back to you. If not now maybe the world is working to do that exact thing..goodbye for now..

I want to tell you the good news, but the good news was supposed to be for us

The only time I could really be myself was when I was with you..

Look at us both looking stupid when we know where we should be