To say my memory is bad is an understatement.
Iāve always had a poor memory. Almost my entire childhood is forgotten. The older I get, the more I lose.
I admit though, sometimes things slip out of the unknown and surprise me.
I underwent a series of procedures. Electro Convulsion Therapy. ECT was a last resort. And it came with a price. Memories. When I thought of the word amnesia, I though that every day youād wake up not knowing anything at all. Like you were just born, no memories at all.
Itās not like that. Itās worse.
Before ECT, my memory was spotty at best. Now Its like someone has come through my life and blacked out entire years. Like looking at a censored document. All the key words scrubbed out in black ink. Itās knowing you have been someone, and done somethings that have led you to where you are now. But not knowing how.
I know the gist of it, how my life has come to this point. But the details, theyāre gone. Iāll never get them back. Some people I donāt even remember. They have memories of me, of us, and for me itās like weāve never met. Itās hardest with the people I love, and who loveā¦ or loved, me.
I was with a man, my highscool sweetheart, I only remember bits of the 12 years we were together. And what I know, and what I remember are two different things. I remember I was madly in love with him. I have memory of how I felt. I know we broke up and got back together a dozen times. But I donāt remember always why or when. I know I cheated, he cheated, we hurt each other badly. I remember the heart wrenching pain. I know we always found our way back to eachother, that we forgave the lies and hurt. I donāt remember how and when. I know what ended us. That I moved back in with my mum. I remember the hurt, the pain.
What I know, is fact. It happened. But sometimes I donāt remember it. Some of it is clear, striking, vivid. Part of it is blurry, hazy, unsure. A lot of it is just gone.
Retrograde amnesia, they call it. I canāt do anything about it. And now, i also have Anterograde amnesia, thatās what Drew Barrymore had in ā50 first datesā. The inability to make new memories. Itās different for me of course. I donāt completely black out on what I did yesterday. But sometimes, parts do disappear. Usually several days later. I try to think back, but itās gone. Ive had heated arguments, had sex, gotten into accidents. All of it, gone. I know it happened, but I donāt remember it happening.
So I write it down. You know, when I remember to. I blog how I feel, when I feel it. I say what happens and how I feel about it. Maybe one day Iāll look at it again. Maybe it will remind me.
