Quiet goodnights
My heart races as the clock ticks on. I know soon it will be time to say goodnight. My body is tired and begs for rest but my heart says just a little longer. I want to talk to you just a little longer. Sit next to you a minute more. laugh again like nothing's changed, but it has changed good nights are quite full of empty pleasantries. The words fall flat between us slowly a deflating balloon. I stay there a little too long shifting awkwardly hoping for a hug. All I want is to have you pull me in close and squeeze me tight. Another night along in my empty bed. Your shape is printed into the mattress. Looking at it reminds me of my grandfather's well loved armchair. I can't find the right words to express how much I miss your breath, the feel of your warmth next to me. The safety and comfort of knowing you were only an arm reach away. I even miss your stupidity annoying loud snoring. Some times. I turn the fan off and listen in the quiet still night for the sounds of your snoring through the wall. I am filled with a mix of comfort and sadness. One room away, one wall between us and it feels like we are worlds apart. My heart aches, even the worst days when the fights were bad and we hurt each other were better than these nights alone. I know I have to let you go but it feels like I have to rip out a part of my heart, bleeding and broken. Half for me and half for. I will cry myself to sleep again tonight dreaming of a version of this life where we grow old together. A life where we keep our promises, made the effort and learned our lessons before it was too late.
