Sometimes I randomly get these really intense bouts of severe paranoia and FEAR, like pure fear, lasting anywhere from a few hours to all day long. But they mainly occur at night. It’s usually about stuff I’m normally not into. Like supernatural stuff, witchcraft, religion, cryptids, and conspiracy stuff… One time I even went off the deep end about the Mandela Effect…..and it’s also paranoia about my safety, and sometimes I feel like I’m being watched. Like one time I was alone at night in the house and I convinced myself there were intruders in the house BASED ON *ZERO* EVIDENCE! So I called the fucking cops that night. They found no one of course. Then I said “Well check the attic!” Like sometimes I lose touch with reality I guess, but it’s not true psychosis because I’ve never hallucinated.
Every time I look this up online, or discuss it with a psychiatrist, it’s dismissed as ~not a real concern~ and there is ZERO information online about why this might be happening to me.
There’s no mental disorder that can cause this apparently. Because delusional disorder results in delusions that last days, not hours, and it’s usually persecutory delusions about people conspiring against them. Which I don’t have. So it can’t be that. I’m not schizophrenic, as I’ve never hallucinated. It can’t be paranoid personality disorder because I’m not even that mistrustful of others. And these fears are fleeting and happen infrequently. So like. What the fuck is it, then?
And when I was 12, I was severely agoraphobic for a few months because I was being homeschooled. With a history of severe childhood trauma, I guess I just developed a bunch of debilitating mental health issues. I was also severely depressed and let my hair get tangled into huge knots so I had to get a drastic haircut. How my parents even let me live like that at 12 years old, I’ll never know. And at the height of that agoraphobia, that’s when my first paranoid episode kicked in. I had the delusion that if I were to be seen in public, the authorities would take me from my family and get CPS involved in all that. Just by simply seeing me. I thought microphones were hidden in my bedroom and that they could pick up everything I said. I was also really scared of bugs and constantly searched my room for bugs, but there never were any.
What is this??? Why isn’t there anything in the DSM-5 about this? I cannot possibly be the first person to experience this shit. And most of the time, when this happens, I can tell it’s not real despite the overwhelming sense of fear, but sometimes I really do believe it. And that’s not even all the examples.
UPDATE: Okay I did some deep-diving online again and found that schizotypal personality disorder sounds kinda like this, BUT… my symptoms are so infrequent that I can’t possibly have a whole personality disorder revolving around it. So I don’t think I have it. It’s nice to learn more about different disorders though!
Update 2: Someone told me it sounds like severe OCD. And that the obsession with the scary, bizarre thoughts makes it feel real for a fleeting moment. That sounds about right! I’ve long suspected I probably have OCD because I do get quite a lot of intrusive thoughts and I think I experience “magical thinking”. But I didn’t think it could be this pervasive or scary and almost mimic parts of psychosis. That’s so interesting! I’ll have to bring it up with my therapist.
