Project Earthling

On Thursday I called my mum hysterically crying. I told her all I wanted to do was lie down and die. She told me I’ve been saying these exact words come the beginning of every school year since the first grade. It seems we have a trend.

But honestly, doesn’t lying down in some sun-kissed meadow to simply decompose back into the earth sound glorious? To become one with nothing and thus everything. To disapear. That’s all I wanted.

Or how about running away? As my mum attempted to console me on the other end of the line my mind traveled to far off places, to lands where people weren’t slaves to societal norms and expectations; Where one could walk around without that incessant feeling of panic welling up inside them birthed from pure loneliness - or worse - a desire to be lonely. Closeing oneself off to the world around them is easy because it’s safe - at least then there’s no rejection. 

When I think of Fall I think of drunkenly parading around the Hill with Mia, walking into a strangers house and ravenously devouring their pumpkin and pecan pie.

When I think of Winter I think of Sexy Girls. I think of snow falling outside, heater murmuring inside. I think of waking up too early, and looking over at you: hopping in the shower, and using Ryan’s delicious, however utterly off-limits, coconut shampoo. I think of strolls through the cemetery, or jam sessions in the attic. Either way I think of you.

When I think of Spring I think of rain, perpetually falling. I think of nostalgia, melancholy and heartache: of hiking through the snowy Rockies to simply feel something tactile, something more than the pain. I think of purification, washing away the tears. I think of lilacs, tulips and dandelions.

I think of Bonnie and Clyde. I think of Sweet Action ice cream, pinball at Mutiny, playing King Krule for the ride. Standing under the full moon, stars reflecting on the lake: you kissing me, and me tasting our lonliness. 

My Whiteness is my paradox

my virtue and my vice

blinded by privilege

Be  vulnerable  embrace your authenticity

Release your doubt  your greatest enemy

Doubt will engulf you shred apart your being

If only you could see what is to be seen

If I let you in we could no longer hide

We'd be two insecure narccists along for the ride

Shall we acknowledge our similarties the ones we both despise

We're reflections and together we remove our guise

Two wrongs never make a right however it masks the truth from sight

I hope you find yourself amongst the deceptive nature of apperances

Do you ever feel lonely just floating day by day words infesting your mind without a thing to say

Do you ever feel lonely like you’re trapped inside a box motionless in darkness until somebody knocks

Do you ever feel lonely as if walking in a dream all the characters around you lacking in empathy

Do you ever feel lonely listening to rain hit the asphalt gazing out the window asphyxiated by thought