L

I know that no one really reads anything from this account anymore, but I'm just going to use tumblr to vent.

So, last night (the 5th) I saw E again. It was a place where we sing with some people for fun. Now, she has a really close friend in the group too. I will call her An. As soon as I stepped foot into the rehearsal room, An made a comment about me showing up to watch concert for another group. Basically, everyone there to sing for fun is in that group and they were all talking about me the night of the concert when I showed up. They were all wondering why I wasn't in the group with them. I kinda looked at E because I didn't know what to say, but I decided to tell them that I will try to be in the group with them next year. All of them are really cool and seem to really like me so it would be nice to wiggle myself into an adult friend group because I only get along with like 3 people my age now.

Anyways, later in the night we ended up deciding to take middle notes together in all of the songs. I am an alto and she is a soprano so we don't usually sit next to each other, but now we do. The room we rehearse in is quite crowded so we were really close to each other and I was just having a bad night mentally so I was feeling so insecure about myself, specifically my voice, and it freaked me out that she was so close. I could hear her beautiful voice right in my ear and at some points we may have subconsciously started singing louder together and we were both so freaking loud it was crazy. When we would turn to talk to each other we were so close and I felt so anxious. When rehearsal ended I left as soon as I could because I felt like I had embarrassed myself.

When I got home I decided to watch some TV. I've been watching an older show since last summer and something really really terrible happened to my favorite character, but everything turned out to be semi-okay. It made my feelings of anxiety even worse and I couldn't sleep. I also couldn't stop feeling so embarrassed from earlier.

Then to make my emotional status even worse, something that has impacted my life heavily ended last night and I just feel so weird and lost today.

I wish seeing E could've went better, but maybe it went poorly for a reason. I just need something good in my life so badly and I've been seeking something good, but I can't seem to find it. All I have in my life right now is my family, my cats, and 3 true friends. I have other friends, but I don't really trust them anymore.

I was wondering if any of you could give me some advice on something. It isn't TC related at all, but I'm having some trouble. So, I have these three friends and we usually all hang out together. One of them has been far away for school for a while and she just came back yesterday. Today, they are all openly hanging out together in town without asking me. I was not invited or even thought about. I have been home alone all day today. I undertsand that I don't have to be invited to everything, but this is the second time they have done this to me. They did this back in October. I have not seen my friend that lives far away since August. I guess I'm just really hurt because I was free today and I wasn't even considered. I love them to death, but I don't know how much longer I want to put up with the way they treat me. They have done worse to me before, but we agreed to start fresh over the summer. I would just leave them, but I love them all and I really don't want to be lonely. I don't know what I have done to deserve all of this. If anyone has any idea what I should do, please let me know.

All I have to say right now is that the other night my friend A facetimed me and told me about how her and E went to see a show and E was kinda wine drunk and when dancers came out she said "Woah. That's an ass."

And now I can't stop thinking about how adorable she is when she's tipsy and I'm jealous of A because I would've loved to do that with E.

Now I just miss her. A lot. I keep trying to tell myself that she isn't good for me because I'm 99.9% sure that the feelings are not recoprocated.

I have tried to move on. I've been trying to talk to the girl in my class, but I don't think she would ever like me in that way and I don't want to catch feelings unless I know it's mutual.

The only women I find super attractive and beautiful and have amazing laughs and stunning personalities I later find out are over the age of 30 if not 35.

I hate this. I just want to love someone my age who loves me back. I'm starting to just crave love and it makes me feel gross because I think about all of these guys out there who would be willing to give me a good time, but I don't love them. I don't even like men. I feel disgusting. I feel like this happens to people who make it into their college years without ever being in a relationship though. I've never even kissed someone before. I'm the biggest virgin I know and I understand that that is okay, but I want to know what I'm doing. If I make it to age 25 without ever being with someone I feel like it'll be so embarrassing to get with someone else who is experienced. Like, I know this is kind of personal, but I hope there's someone else out there like me.

Soooooooooo

My friend who is in drama club at my old high school asked me to come help them with something at the school today because only 3 people were able to show up.

I felt like I was going to throw up the entire drive there because I was so nervous about seeing E for the first time in 3 months.

I walked into the school and then into the auditorium and she saw me and looked so surprised and excited. She was so cute and squealed my name and immediately gave me a hug.

I had wanted to see her and hold her for sosososo long. I have never forgotten about her for even a minute since the last time I saw her.

She was super chilled out today. In the middle of what we were doing someone got really upset so I took them aside and talked to them. E walked in and saw us and asked us if we were having a deep conversation. I said yes because we were talking about something bad that happened in this persons life. E seemed really approving of what I was doing and it was nice to know that I was doing something right.

When we were wrapping up we started sweeping and folding tarps and cleaning brushes and just talking about stuff. Somehow we ended up talking about the orgy in Pippin. Before that we ended up on the topic of me craving pickles and my friend asked if I was pregnant and I said that if I was, the baby is Jesus. E got a kick out of that.

After everyone but E and I left I was heading out and I told her I would see her again at their show and she smiled and so sweetly said "Thank you so much L. I'll see you then."

i was presented the opportunity to go to my high school to visit teachers tomorrow.

i said no.

i'm not ready to see e again.