I tend to only cry for two reasons in doctors appts now a days.
1 - a doctor actually believing in me and treating me kindly. It's so shocking that I can't help it. It's taken me four appointments with my trauma informed primary care doctor to not cry.
2 - I'm so frustrated and I know I'm about to call it and get up and leave. The last appt that I did that at was the allergist who literally said that everything to know about the human body has already been discovered and any 'new' illnesses were just for attention (when talking about mast cell disorders).
I don't know how but I always save it for the parking lot now. After a few very embarrassing episodes (for me) at super high stress appointments when I was younger, I make an effort not to now. This is just me personally though. No shame in crying at appointments for anyone.
I donât know how that allergist can have a job and still hold that opinion. One day when i have enough spoons, i want to talk about the perception of health that i have observed over my lifetime, and how what people believe about health without knowledge and understanding of chronic illness continually fuels this kind of ableism where doctors and people dismiss symptoms because they donât know what itâs like to live with a chronic illness/pain. Most medical schools do not have a comprehensive curriculum on pain. Ideas about chronic pain are tainted with the legacy of opioids and addiction without acknowledgement that people without chronic pain are more likely to suffer harmful consequences of painkiller substance abuse because their nervous systems do not have the same resistance that prevents addiction behavior through the dopamine reward system. Healthcare and science is all about discoveries and improving peopleâs quality of life (at least, thatâs how it should be, but not everyone holds that opinion). History has not done nearly enough for disability rights; medical trauma is incredibly valid and should be discussed in med schools for people wanting to become healthcare professionals.
I've been experimenting with ways to convey to doctors that I am Very Stressed Out about being there, without putting them on the defensive, without taking energy I don't have because I am Very Stressed Out. Stuffed animals are genuinely comforting, signal that I am very stressed out, signal that I am handling the stress myself and will not make emotional labor demands on them, and desperate clutching provides very easy visual cues of when I am especially stressed out in ways that still aren't threatening to the doctor.
Originally I was worried this would make doctors take me less seriously. My guess now is that my personal problems stem more from seeming threatening than stupid, I can make up for any stupidity with my obvious medical knowledge and data collection. It's hard for me to picture a doctor who would otherwise have treated me well but rejects me because I was holding a squishable.
That may be dependent on the fact that I'm often paying cash for high end doctors, I don't know if this would work the same in Medicaid factories.
