those bastards have hot dog!

the thing is though there are various candidates for the orpheus/eurydice throughline my favourite is jarchie. specifically with archie as eurydice going to hadestown (hungry girl/prison/working for hiram) and jughead as orpheus (poor boy working on a song [riverdale book]) trying to get him back. i'm thinking the great escape. actually yes this hadestown episode is going to be a the great escape au. sorry big fun. the alternate version is for this to take place when archie is pro-unioning and percival is trying to build the railroad (once upon a time on a railroad line...) and have percival as the hades analogue instead. this also works but honestly it feels more classically Riverdalian to have hiram as big bad and to put it against high school shennanigans.

as archie is in prison we cannot have him actually in the musical. he's there in spirit though. jughead is also kinda hermes because he's a narrator—and yes he's still going to orpheus on account of how he often uses his function and status as narrator to depict, disguise, and diminish his desire for archie. like jug as character wants archie but as a narrator he pairs him with numerous beautiful women and makes him this symbol of Goodness that he doesn't deserve as character/person and so he never gets to actualise that desire. anyway this mechanism is how he's going to be both hermes and orpheus. likewise hiram is not literally playing hades he is not pulling an alice in carrie. i will be trying to include more hirarchie so there's also going to be more hiram in this version than the actual episode.

also if you want to listen along here are the songs in order: any way the wind blows, if its true, livin it up on top, all i've ever known, his kiss the riot, flowers, when the chips are down, wait for me reprise, road to hell 2.

okay episode starts with any way the wind blows. it is now a group number. i do not think you can really do road to hell as an opening so it's gonna be any way the wind blows. i'm thinking split the verses a bit like wicked little town so we start with the oohs being provided over sweeping ominous shots of riverdale and the prison. jughead narrates as hermes, and we see veronica and betty and josie and toni and everyone going about life in riverdale. maybe veronica can sneak into hiram's office and look through documents to search for contacts and sit in his chair, betty can go over blueprints of the prison. then make their way to school. then okay cathedrals so i do think the "orpheus was the son of a muse..." verses feel jugheady. i mean. "you know how those muses are, sometimes they abandon you" abandoned by gladys. "he had a way with words, and a rhythm, and a rhyme" writer of debatable quality. anyway okay so for this section we again give it to various people as everyone arrives at school and they look at jughead as they sing it. like i am thinking jughead going down hallway with everyone against lockers and alice there to take the "mama was a friend of mine" lyric (doesn't really make sense but just rock with me) and we end with betty singing "and i'd like to hear him sing, and his way of seeing things" and jug opens the door as everyone else charges in and sit in circle. kevin declares: "welcome to hadestown."

smash cut to leopold and loeb. this should very obviously be comparing prison to hadestown. no subtlety. archie hears from joaquin Shit Has Gone Down (manipulation from hiram) and goes Oh No. he sings if it's true and tries to incite a prison riot. the first half will not super make sense but it will be cool as archie stands on a table or something and sings "i believe if there is still a will then there is still a way" and the other people at prison sing workers parts. voice over jug does hermes bit. the riot fails and hiram is called.

back to riverdale high. gay kevin is directing. veronica is playing persephone, reggie is playing hades. betty is eurydice and fangs is orpheus. josie is hermes. cheryl, toni, and peaches n cream why not he's lovely are the fates. sweet pea and ethel and evelyn are workers. you ask me why not just switch josie and sweet pea i say josie can serve more cunt. half of this casting doesn't really matter though.

veronica does livin' it up on top. this is basically the fun song, it's not super plot relevant, but what is plot relevant is veronica is like okay persephone is this goddess of spring who's coping with alcohol and such because of this growing distance between her and her cold capitalistic man...yes she does think of her father. i actually would like her and cheryl to chat a bit and obviously their situations are different but i want to try and work veronica towards, to borrow a phrase from @hauntingattheblackberrypatch, lesbian sex as self determination. we cannot get there in just one episode but by god we can lay groundwork. so she's like, with some prodding from director gay kevin. maybe i should re-evaluate a bit what makes me happy and what i find makes life worth living. we should also get some shots of betty reacting to veronica's performance and kinda being in love with her, in high contrast to where she was last musical.

g&g is still here because what's better than one layer of narratorness? three layers of narratorness! fun! betty catches jug playing g&g with cheryl, toni, sweet pea and fangs around a table and rambles his theory its all connected and we get a cut down version of when the chips are down but then betty is like fuck this shit!

with fangs at g&g veronica offers to practice all i've ever known with betty playing eurydice. they sing, make Heated Eye Contact. "all I've ever known is how to hold my own /but now I wanna hold you too." and well. since this is all hypothetical anyway i'm gonna say ronnie and archie took a break because 1) archie's at prison 2) veronica is realising maybe she doesn't like him as much as she thought. but also i'm fine with ronnie cheating if i'm being very honest. betty's really done with jughead's bullshit. so maybe they kiss! i want them to kiss.

now we cut to hiram in his office with a whiskey or something. veronica and him argue a bit, hiram antagonising veronica about archie trying to escape and such and veronica being like he will get out he will be free! to really hammer in the veronica persephone thing, she storms out. he's got that ipad, think of when he watched the red circle video, and looking at the attempted prison break out and he sings his kiss the riot. i don't know if mark consuelos has sung in any musical episode i cannot recall right now but if alice can sing so can hiram. besides its about themes here. very specifically i want him to play with a red paladin card at the lyric "dangerous, this jack of hearts /with his kiss, the riot starts." really love the thought of hiram singing "who will lead them? /who lays all our best-laid plans? who makes work for idle hands?" we do cut the final verse though because it doesn't make sense.

betty kevin veronica josie and reggie start plotting to find a way to get archie out. veronica does a recon mission like in the great escape through her mob contact and visits archie, sad in prison. she's feeling a bit guilty and raw because of the beronica kiss, and her starting to realise things and she's like my exboyfriend is suffering at the hands of my father who am i to be having gay sex. but archie is like no ronnie it's good to hear things are. still happening. then archie sings flowers alone. has flashbacks. "dreams are sweet until they're not / men are kind until they aren't / flowers bloom until they rot and fall apart." i would also like some sort of reference to jughead and the fourth of july road trip for the lyric "you, the one i left behind" because well referential is riverdale's middle name. archie gets told he's gotta fight by the warden and sits him down w food and is like this is your final meal.

anyway now we're gonna do the true blue prison break which kevin is saying will be good for the musical because cast bonding!!! and chance to practice acting!!! so we go into when the chips are down as preparation montage. this is split up and shared between the jug gng campaign (cheryl toni fangs sweet pea) and the heist crew (aforementioned). jug and co are doing campaign stuff, betty and veronica are looking over a map, reggie josie kevin make smoke bombs, joaquin wraps archie's hands. we get a beautiful devastating shot of archie looking so so sad as he sings "oh, my aching heart"... cut to jughead looking concerned as hell. cut around but specifically to joaquin at the lyrics "you get a knife in the back" and the song ends with joaquin judas kissing archie and stabbing him and archie's body falling to the final "now that the chips are down!"

i am aware so far i haven't really been using the big beloved songs not really but i have certain themes i want to be hitting here primarily anticapitalism the power of the people and romance. but anyway okay we're gonna do wait for me reprise now. it does not really make sense but it will feel epic and cool which is what really matters. josie speaks the opening hermes narration "the meanest dog you'll ever meet..." and the "you got a lonesome road to walk" part later too primarily as excuse to serve. the wait for mes are the group like a we gotta do this together but visually we're seeing jug and archie the most, especially jug, because now we are showing who the real orpheus is. wait for him, archie!! the "show the way..." company vocals we'll split across groups, gng its at jughead leading campaign, heist its betty and veronica as having planned this. the hades and persephone conversation will have to be cut i'm sorry i just don't know how to make it work. i will keep "think they'll make it?" "i don't know" as a choni exchange to give them a little moment, cheryl hades toni persephone. the fates "who are you" bit will be taken by idk fake hallucination hirams. by the way the song is really getting dragged the hell out but i do want that instrumentation as the background music for all this. kj apa sings the eurydice wait for me bit crawling through the pipes and into betty's arms into veronica's into the getaway car. cheryl asks what happened to red paladin? did they make it? jughed's not sure. then we get my beloved, angels in america moment as archie falls into the bunker into jughead's arms.

i spent half an hour on this. hiram is hiram forever !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Jughead Death Day!