Serena 🥀

I’m visiting my home state currently. I’m staying w my adoptive parents for a week, and they are freaked out by my wl.

For reference, I was adopted at 13 by them until they kicked me out to go live with my bio mom at 17 my junior yr of high school. My bio mom lives in a different state, so now I live in it too. She kicked me out as well right after I graduated, so I currently live w my bf there instead. I still visit my original state to see my best friend and the adoptive parents. It’s all really complicated.

I’d always had disordered eating, but I never was this “sick” looking. Now they take me seriously. I was super upfront about it since they obviously kept trying to probe. I lived in the south where mental health isn’t taken as seriously. Like it’s just “attention seeking”. It wasn’t until I moved states up into the north that I got diagnosed and medicated for a plethora of things. No one took my ed seriously since obviously in the beginning I didn’t look “sick” enough. I had more of b1ńğ3 back then, so I was in a miserable cycle of r3střict/b1ñg3. It turned into miä when I got kicked out my junior year by my adoptive parents. By senior year it was just nervœşa. My adoptive parents aren’t very perceptive or self aware so talking to them is talking to a brick wall. They asked me what is wrong and why am I like this lol. I was like oh I don’t know maybe the non existent depression from kicking me out with nothing just for it to happen again by my other home. They think that I can just magically do college and live on campus with this annuity I get every six months for four years. It doesn’t pay nearly enough for that especially since I have other health issues like type one diabetes and hypothyroidism. They are so stuck in the reality that back then it was so much easier to move out, go to school, and get a damn mortgage, that they just blame my generation for being lazy. They think it’s so easy especially as fresh meat being kicked onto the curb to just whimsically have everything figured out or on a roll. I want to be ded. So I told them what they could mentally process and said that while I may not have plans or anything, I’m okay with a death from this eď if it gets bad enough. They started taking me seriously there. But it’s not for attention. I’m not changing. They told me that I need to gain weight get better I have so much ahead of me blah blah blah. I don’t feel like it. And no one gets better, not a single soul, if there isn’t a want to. Because I don’t want to. And I told them that. Unfortunately I am using my own impending death as a way to defy society and the universe as a whole. It’s honestly a nice fuck you to them especially since I wouldn’t have to be alive to deal with ts anymore. So yeah in the end I told them I’m just going to do you know the expected things of my existence like going to college while getting a part time job and blah blah blah, but I’m not going to save myself or get help. It’s a slow demise that I atp just don’t give af about anymore 🗿. Like bro the feelings are beyond my capability to express through writing 🗿.

But like. It’s ok. Because I’m still doing the expectations that I’m required to fullfill in order to be deemed as a worthy human existence or whatever. Just my body will give up atsp 🗿.

My best friend knows the whole situation as she herself was kicked out by her own mom for existing. She’s also very uh not happy to exist. She and I both have BPD so the world is so much more unnecessarily intense. But I am comforted by that. That I am not alone. Just we exist against our will. What the hell man 🧍🏻‍♀️.

I’ve shed alot from around 110 to 95.

It’s been brutal bc my body is genuinely not ok. Yet I can’t stop especially when I see celebrities w obvious àña. Such as Natalia Dyer.

I’m treated so much differently now. And it’s been my dream. I don’t look unhealthy skïññe but I do look like those naturally really thin girls.

My boyfriend treats me like a fragile princess lol. He constantly tells me how small and dainty I am. He literally carries me everywhere like I legitimately don’t walk as much bc he’s like obsessed with carrying me since I’m like a “tiny cute princess” he says. In a way it’s validating, but it also shows that he’s only this obsessed with me bc I’m like small and delicate and he feels like he is really masculine and validated that he’s like strong and can protect me (he a tall mf 6’4) I asked him if he would love me if I were fat. He said if I were obese no but if I was overweight depending on like how fat I look it would be ok. I told him bc he wants kids (I don’t) that if I were to get pregnant, I am inevitably going to gain massive weight and in postpartum I can’t just get rid of it quickly. He said it would be ok because I’ll still lose all of it eventually, but I asked what if I don’t and he didn’t really have much of a clear response. It just kinda sucks because to me if he were to even be obese I would still love him bc he’s my person yk. Yeah I’d be concerned for his health, but the appearance means nothing to me. In return he asked if I would love him if he was short or had dwarfism and I said of course I would love you short bc to me ion rly give af bout height I just want companionship.

I get treated by strangers better nowadays. Im automatically unsaid that I fit the standard and hence have a sort of status for respect. Girls at restaurants they work at are also a bit nicer too. I don’t feel like I need to be as quick as possible or not tell if my order is wrong. You get a sorta patience without the subtle signs that like ur a fat pig boldly taking up their time.

Men definitely treat me better. Guys my age. There’s like a sort of shyness rather than the obvious hinting that I’m like ugly based on how their tone and interactions are. Like I’m qualified to be considerably well treated. Obviously this just reinforces the ed lol. My boyfriend doesn’t really encourage me to eat except if I haven’t eaten all day yet. My doctor is worried about my weight and told me I need to at least gain ten. And in my head I’m like lol hell nah.

On my instagram posts I get way more attention and compliments too. Annoying guys that try sliding in my dms. Never happened before until now. People agree with my opinions more and I’m taken a bit more seriously. Of course it’s not perfect.

My mom kicked me out last August so I had no choice to start living w my boyfriend. She saw my weight on my medical chart and told me “you think I don’t know how underwght u r” which is ironic considering she fed my eď and has one herself. So I just didn’t respond to her bc she doesn’t control my life anymore and I’ve cut communication when she expects things to be completely normal in the relationship. I hate her.

I have absolutely zero energy now, and have passed out recently going to the bathroom. It was really scary but sometimes I think that maybe I’d be okay dying this way. Wasting away. If I end up in the hospital I know there’s going to be a lot of guilt and recognition that she was a horrible mother. And honestly I’m pretty sůï çďal in general even though I still fear death. My life has just had so much trauma one thing after another. I’m angry and don’t feel like just “being content and finding gratitude of whatever in my life” fuck it. And fuck the people who tell me too. And fuck my mom for selfishly giving birth to me to fix a marriage and say she did nothing wrong having me and it wasn’t selfish. I didn’t ask to be forced in this world with the impending doom humans are forced to go through because of death and hurt.

Anyway currently hella nihilistic, and wish the worst for my mom. Thanks for coming to my ted talk

Height ~ 164cm/5’4

Hw • 150

Sw • 140

Gw1 • 120

Gw2 • 110

Gw3 • 105

Cw • 102

Ugw • 90

Bmï ~ 17.6

All this took was unsolicited comments from random strangers, my mother, and boyfriend 🗿

Well.. maybe way deeper than that but lore drop later?