#tw bmi

Dick Grayson at 5 ft 10 and 175 lbs (general canon average) is overweight by BMI. Cassandra Cain at 5’5 and 110 lbs is underweight by BMI. and I’ve seen female characters as tall as 5’9 getting down to 110-115 lbs in canon estimates.

carrying extra muscle rarely means carrying less weight overall. Dick Grayson might be a BMI outlier for having more muscle than the average human (making his slightly overweight BMI arguably healthy) but being underweight and carrying a higher proportion of muscle than the average human rarely benefits women.

hey so. im killing myself

I know the BMI is flawed and I’m not particularly healthier now than I was at a slightly higher weight but I am proud of myself for reaching a goal I had set for myself.

On a separate note I had been thinking about how I can’t call myself fat anymore. Well, depending on how it’s defined I couldn’t really do that for a while now (I had stopped needing plus-sizes) if not ever (does anyone remember the ‘fategories’? I think I was only ever a ‘small fat’). Not that any of this matters but it just feels weird, I don’t think I’ve ever been in the normal range since I was a toddler.

i know better now

My eyes are red from crying

My lips are blue from hyperventilating

Eyelashes dot my cheeks in the places bare of

Swelling and red, angry splotches

My vision is clouded with pain

I will learn to hide another level

I will learn to survive without what i need

If i cry more, she will take my medication

I will not risk it

I can still hear my fathers voice echoing

The words ringing in my ears “psychosomatic”

He had headaches once.

They thought it was a tumor.

He sat through scans and blood tests

We are both family of the needle that pricks your vein

well acquainted with the sting

of the blue band they tie on your arm

He didn't have a tumor.

I think he's scared I might.

Cancer is his biggest fear

Second only to death.

It was psychosomatic

His headaches left after a few months.

He stopped taking advil every day.

I have dysphagia

my pain is stopped only by the fear of what they would do

the powdered NSAIDS they gave me dont work

I told them they wouldn’t

I can pretend though.

He does not think my pain is psychosomatic

We know it is very real

My mothers words ring in my ears

harsher than the story he told me

“Exercise more… lower your BMI”

Her mocking tone haunts me. Many phrases will never leave my memories

But this one has cemented itself

to the back of my eyeballs

I have an eating disorder

I skip meals

I self harm

I would cut today but i know i would never stop

If i bought a cane

She would beat me with it until something cracked

My skull or the aluminum.

I hope that we will never know

which one is weaker.

My legs heat again as my celebrex wears off

i continue to act as if my legs

were unaffected by my life

My doctor quit today

shes moving to north carolina

i was going to fire her anyway

i hope to anything that will listen

that my doctor has a uterus

i beg that my doctor will take me seriously

i beg that they will listen

i will take anyone, actually

Except a white, perisex, cisgender, heterosexual, man

My cheeks have dried of the slimy, soaking tears

that covered them minutes ago

they are sticky now.

Dry and crumbling

my soul,

my spirit,

match them

I cannot stay in this place much longer.

I want to run to a place where only my friends can find me.

I love them