undefined. undesigned.

by Dr. Nafisa Sekandari & Hosai Mojaddidi

There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage.  The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility.

One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone.  A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are.  The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them.

The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc.  Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you consider these  limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place?  Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences.

If you or someone you know is in the “getting to know someone” phase,  the following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:

1) Do Not Marry Potential:  Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change.  This is the wrong approach on both accounts.  Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential.  There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them.  These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.

2) Choose Character over Chemistry:  While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love.  The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:

Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort.  They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.

Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money?  How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?

Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character.  You can you rely on this person and trust what they say.

Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have.  They very rarely complain.

3) Do Not Neglect The  Emotional Needs of Your Partner:  Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved.  The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated.  To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs:  Attention, Affection, & Appreciation.  To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs:  Respect, Reassurance, & Relief.  It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive.  When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.

Beware of the leaking Bucket!

1.You take the best wudhu but waste a lot of water (a leaking Bucket).

2.You pray all of your prayers in time but you have no khushu (a leaking bucket).

3.You post reminders and have thousands of followers on Instagram and Facebook but you’re doing it for the fame not to please Allah (a leaking bucket).

4.You help others but you’re doing it to gain something from them and not doing those acts of kindness for the sake of Allah’s Glory (a leaking bucket).

5.You give alot of sadaqah to the poor but you humiliate them and hurt them (a leaking bucket).

6.You stand up for tahajjud at night, fast, read Quran every day and obey your Lord but you cut your family ties (a leaking bucket).

7.You are very kind to people and speak with them gently but with your family you are always harsh (a leaking bucket).

8.You fast and have sabr for the pangs of hunger and thirst but you swear, insult, curse (a leaking bucket).

9.You wear abaya and Hijab but your perfume is strong (a leaking Bucket).

10.You are following the sunnah and have a beard but you don’t lower your gaze (a leaking bucket).

11.You honour and treat your guest well but when he/she leaves you gossip about him/her and talk about all his/her flaws (a leaking bucket).

Do not gather all your good deeds in a leaking bucket. You struggle to fill it whilst it easily runs out through the leaking holes!

Bilakah suatu saat nanti Engkau izinkan diriku untuk jatuh, maka jatuhkanlah aku kepada ia yang memujaMu.. Jatuhkanlah aku kepada ciptaanMu yang berjalan menujuMu dan berjuang mencari keridhaanMu..

Ketika hati merasa dikecewakan, ataupun bersedih meratapi nasib, pergilah ke suatu tempat dan bertemulah dengan orang lain. Maka laramu akan melebur dalam ramainya.

Aku bahagia, saat melihat orang lain berlalu-lalang dan beraktivitas, kemudian sejenak berhenti dan mengamati. “Apakah harimu baik-baik saja?”

Menyapa orang lain tidak akan membuatmu menjadi lebih buruk, karena itulah aku senang berkenalan dan memperbanyak relasi. Berinteraksi dengan orang lain, khususnya orang baru yang passionate, selalu membuatku merasa lebih hidup. Selain merasa senang, aku menjadi semangat karena bisa belajar banyak hal baru dan semakin memahami bahwa manusia tak diciptakan hanya dalam 1 tipe.

Salinglah mengenal. Tak pernah ada yang salah dari berbuat ramah. Karena bertemu dengan yang baik adalah sebuah bonus.

Kamu tidak akan pernah mengira bahwa orang asing yang mungkin hanya memakai sandal jepit di depanmu, adalah seorang direktur utama sebuah BUMN, ataukah seorang penerima beasiswa LPDP atau Full Bright.

Kamu tak akan pernah tau.

Karena semakin banyak orang yang kamu kenal, maka kesempatanmu untuk bertemu dengan orang-orang baik  akan semakin besar. Juga tak ada yang tau jika kelak ternyata orang yang duduk di sampingmu dalam sebuah kereta dengan baju yang lusuh adalah orang yang akan mendanai sepenuhnya usaha start-up mu.

Bertemulah dengan banyak orang karena Allah selalu mengirimkan rezeki-Nya melalui perantara.

Maka rendahkanlah hatimu, dan biarkan Allah menjaganya.

Dear @ajinurafifah. If you ever remember this photo, surprisingly it was 2 years ago since this photo taken at January 29th 2015 on Rainy Hijab Photoshoot. Terimakasih sudah menjadi bonus dari Allah dan selalu melibatkanku dalam kebaikan!

(via miftahulfikri)