#liam ruben

It’s been a while, and I am contemplating deleting my tumblr, but I couldn’t let today go by without acknowledging Liam’s 2nd heavenly birthday.

I know so many of you were right there crying along side me 2 years ago. And I will forever be grateful for that.

“Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints. It takes and it takes and it takes”

One year ago today we found out Liam was gone. The excitement we felt and the plans we had made died along with him. A year has passed, and we have another child to shower with our love and affection. I love Jefferson. I love him so much, but he isn’t a replacement for the son we didn’t get to bring home. That dream is gone and my heart is forever cracked. It’s still intact and beats, forcing me to go on, but it won’t ever be the same. We’ve had to move on with a different life with new dreams. Which is almost the hardest part of all. Moving on feels like I’m leaving him behind. When it’s all said and done, it feels like my grief is all I have left of him.

Liam’s birthday (December 19th) is a while away, but with impending labor in a few months and then having a newborn, I wanted to get a jump start on planning now, before I feel too overwhelmed with other things.

So....I want to do something special for his 1st birthday. I know I’ve said that it means a lot to me to know that his existence impacted someone besides just us. I think about him every day, I no longer cry every day, but he’s never far from my thoughts. We would like to celebrate him on the year anniversary of his birth by placing luminaries outside our house. In addition to that, I would like to invite literally anyone and everyone who would like to, to send me a luminary to display along with our family’s. I have this beautiful image of filling our porch with glowing white lanterns from people all over the world from people who hold his memory in a special place.

For those who don’t know what a luminary is, essentially its a white paper lunch bag that you can decorate however you want, fill the bottom with a little sand, and place a candle inside resulting in a beautiful glow. (we will be doing some of those led candles to reduce the risk of fire)

If this is something you are interested in participating in all you’ll need to do is decorate a white paper lunch bag (like 10-11in) and mail it to me. We will put the rest of them together with sand and a light. You’re welcome to send as many as you want, one from each member of your family or one to represent your entire family. Afterwards we will empty and flatten them and put them in an album. (We’d also like to invite whoever wants to also place a luminary outside your own house on the evening of his birthday)

Thank you so much. It honestly mean a lot to me to get this random messages because it shows me that other people are thinking about Liam. It’s so difficult to move on after a loss when all you want to do is go back. My little boy made such a huge impact on my life and it pains me so that because he’s not “here” that he’ll never have the chance to impact others. Life just goes on without him even though it feels like it shouldn’t.

I’m glad I waited until I found something perfect for him. He’s sitting on the window sill of his room looking over the neighborhood with a view of the trees and mountains near us.