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@dungeonsanddragonflies
Twenty job-nights without binging but three weekend days with binges - when getting rid of one habit, another one sneaks into my life.
I didn't use to binge at home, I binged at work, but not at home. When I stopped binging at work I instead started to binge at home!!! I will not have it, I'm sick of it - it ends here. I will never binge again, I will not lose the body I got back.
No.More.Binging.
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I have to stop binging at home. WTF - when I don't do it at work then I start doing it at home - as if the monster has to be there in my life, one way or the other, I'M SICK OF IT, I WANT IT GONE ALREADY FOR FVCKS SAKE!!!!!
So...made the twentieth job-night without binging - BUT FOLLOWED THE URGE AT HOME INSTEAD - WTF!!!! Okay, not a super huge binge catastrophe but nevertheless UNPLANNED AND GLUTTONOUS MEGA OVER EATING, I HATE MYSELF!!!!
At work, have done two of the four nights in this shift-set. I was so worried about binging after the catastrophe at home last Saturday, but I have kept to the tea and apple cider vinegar during the shifts - so far, knock on wood. Now I have two more nights left to do and if I make these two nights without binging, then I have managed to do TWENTY worknights without binging, that would be great!!!
I binged. What a disaster, all is lost.
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I just want to lose soooo much, but I have to be realistic..there's no one to take care of me or back me up if I return to my lowest weight, not that I think that I can again but yeah, you know what I mean...I can't afford to take the risk, scared to death of being hospitalized, losing my job and the whole nine yards...but I so totally miss the days when I could wear clothes from the kids' section, omg, it was so awesomeee!!! I was in my own bubble, I loved it, I miss my world, even if it was such a mess, such enormous fatigue all the time...I miss it, miss blue hands, miss freezing, miss slow heart rate and feeling fragile as fvck.
Bloated for some fvcking reason. Hate my filthy whore body.
I have lost some weight...have been combining keto with low carb, doing keto during the work shifts and low carb when off work. I haven't binged since April 19th and I pray to God that I can keep it like that, finally recognizing my body again.
Eight weeks binge free...I can't believe it...but I don't take anything for granted, I have to be on my guard all the time.
I want to eat fruit...but I don't trust myself yet, what if it turns into a binge!!! I haven't binged in almost six weeks..but I sooo long for a complete feast on all the forbidden things..
I wish I could handle the cravings better, so tired of the "all or nothing" mindset. How do you break that? Maybe by allowing small amounts of these forbidden items more often, and bulking up with "adequate eating" to curb the urges (Kathryn Hansen's absolute key to dismiss the urges to binge).
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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High restricting at 1300 cals per day, daily exercise minimum two hours per day. Any progress? Hardly noticeable, but at least not gaining.
I promised myself to be content with my weight as long as I don't binge. So..I don't binge (not yet, haha, filthy slut) - I am NOT content with my weight.
I want to be a skeleton, walking like a drunk on stick legs, one foot in life and one foot in death.
These fvcking macros, it is horribly hard to sum up all the different results on google. Okay, calorie deficit seems to be overshadowing the macronutrient ratio on the whole. But still - a calorie is not just a calorie; the three different macronutrients affect our hormones in their own way, managing hunger, weight loss and satiety. So macros do matter. Maybe the best way to lose weight is to track both macros and calories.
So..tonight was the tenth night in the "project" of trying to be binge free. I managed nine nights without eating. But I failed now in the morning, two hours before the shift is over. I ate an egg. I was preparing breakfast for the day shift staff, coloring eggs with onion peels. But one of the eggs unfortunately got a crack in the shell and it looked horrible. So I frigging ATE that egg, I was sooo hungry, this night has been super hard and I gave in.
I feel like a failure and I dread the next period of work nights...will I fail again? One good thing is that I didn't eat anything else, just the egg. And it was at the end of the shift, I did endure a lot of hours before giving in. I am disappointed with myself but at the same time a little bit proud of the fact that I didn't totally let go after the egg. That has never happened before, I always binge like a mofo after just even tasting anything. Not this time.
But I still feel like a failure though.
Work starts again tomorrow night, this time four night shifts in a row. I really want to make it without binging. So far I have done six binge free nights. Not in a row but two times three.
Last three years have been a constant binging at work, and also the first night off at home after the day-sleep. So you could practically say four catastrophes. And the four-night shifts has thus been 4 plus that one night at home going off the shift. If I count how many binge-nights I do per month it is 13 nights. And since I don't purge that is a looot of extra calories, the off work days were not enough time to do damage control by restriction, I simply couldn't catch up.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I was 44,5 kilos, 175 cms.
WHY THE Hβ¬LL DIDN'T I APPRECIATE WHAT I HAD?!
CUPID STUNT!!
Today I'm a blob. A f*cking blob.
Why do I get suggestions like this?! Is it a way to take a dig at the butterflies? Sorry Tumblr, I will never be with HAES, isn't that pretty obvious by now?! Just deal with it ffs.