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b/ping on the 1st of the month always makes me feel like a little disappointed slug

Today I ate roughly ~2000 calories, I know that is a really high number but I didn’t purge any of the food. I’m proud of myself. I’m fucking happy. I hate bulimia, I don’t wish it even on my worst enemy. It’s a constant torture. But today I didn’t let her win. And this is a fucking milestone for me.

At this point I just want to eat normally. Don't purge every day. Have a healthy life. I don't give a damn about being thin anymore, it's all bullshit now. I just want to have a normal life.

Today I wore a skirt. My legs were uncovered. In the mirror they seemed acceptable to me but let's be clear I didn't like them. How could I? How could I have revealed myself to the world like that? Torturing the eyes of others with such monstrosity. Because that's what I am. A monster. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not just outside. The rot resides inside me, inside my bowels, like the food I binge on. It’s stays where sunlight cannot unmask it.

I just have to accept that hunger is the right feeling

Today, as always I b/p for lunch and at dinner I went to a party where I ate some savory cake, 2 small sandwiches, 2 mignon pretzels and half cannolo. I wanted to throw up everything because it was going up my esophagus but I didn't because my boyfriend was there. Win or loss?