Tired ™️

🍏.

“did i scare you? im back” the familiar, yet distant man spoke,

her gaze lands on his dark irises, a breath she didn’t notice she held was let out, she didn’t know how to feel, relieved? shocked? happy? before her is a man who died, and more importantly was her everything; was

minutes ago, this man had put a detector on her neck, and basically investigated her like a criminal; maybe because she pretended to be someone else, but it was all justifiable, right? you know what’s not, someone who’s supposed to lie dead six feet under the ground, or burned into ashes, standing right in front of her.

that face and hairstyle is identical, even the voice sounds awfully similar, perhaps deepened, more hoarse, or maybe she hadn’t heard of it in so long she forgot.

“who are you”

“what, do you not recognise me anymore?” the voice asked with humour, almost as if nothing happened over all these time and he just expects her to, know.

“,, well not anyone’s brother” she quotes, misinterpreted as sassiness by the male, still unaware and expecting a more warm welcome,

her brows furrow, she might be out of the situation that she was caught red-handed, but now she’s in another somehow worse. she feels guilty that she’s not as happy as she should be, instead more angry and mad that everything he did, nothing was what she wanted.

she would question him, she would force him to explain, but not here, not now. now that they’ve met again, she has all the time to investigate him.

she looks at him as he puts away the detectors and smile. that same damned smile, those lips that curl up for either the most wholesome or sinister things, like god personally carved them, she sees the man look at her with a dazed, yet loving nonetheless, stare.

she had missed him, of course she did, hell she still does. he was her everything, she loved him wholeheartedly in all ways possible, how could she not miss him. so when he hugged her, she just hugged him back, too happy to cry yet too angry to smile, too betrayed to think, too confused to speak.

🍏.

caleb took the day off and brought her home, as he drives his jeep, somehow still the same good old functioning one second hand from high school, she could only stare, briefly brushing his finger tips against hers, just to feel his presence, that he’s physically here.

the ride was silent, like a silent agreement, or maybe they were both too scared to talk and break the thin ice, but what has to be done, has to be done afterall,

“caleb,

“where have you been all this time.”

“… pip, you know i don’t like to lie to you, so i won’t answer that question.”

he expects her to further pressure him to answer, he wasn’t going to anyways, but he still thought she’s the stubborn little girl, demanding the absolute truth from him always.

she nods, of course, he always stick to his morals and reasons, he thinks what’s good for the other party, but never consider the party’s opinions. it’s all kind of expected.

“…” he takes a left turn, the sky heaven roads are much more neat compared to linkon, less cars and less plants with falling leaves; even if there are vehicles on the road, they zoom by fast and never really stop for anyone, and you barely find dirt on or by the roads anyways. this was the first thing he noticed when he moved here.

everything is so neat and empty here.

he steals a stare at her during the rare traffic light break, as she blankly stares out at the roads, afterall who is he to expect her to be able to take in everything so fast, she’s only human,,

🍏sneak peak to her thoughts)

the silence is loud but i prefer it as it aids me to think, that’s the thing i want to do least, yet have to do most right now.

i came here expecting to figure out something new, but whatever may that originally be, it wasn’t this.

sure i’m grateful he’s alive but, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t more to this. he’s … alive

why didn’t he come find me?

why didn’t he reach out to me earlier if he knew where i was all along?

why is he okay with hiding so much from me like it’s normal?

why does he expect me to be okay with a dead man just showing up and i should pretend like nothing happened?

i can’t stop him from doing whatever, and i respect his free will, but just, why?

🍏.

“they said you were dead. and on top of that, gone

“sure im a sinner, i have sinful thoughts ive done sinful acts, but at that moment, when i look at your empty casket , your uniform i folded that was placed inside, and this necklace” she hooks the metal chain with her index finger, “i complained to god, i barely took a bite of the apple, why did he have to take away my adam, and not even leave me with what’s physically left.”

“it’s like i’m not even worthy of visiting your remains.” she continues to look out to the roads, clear skies with barely any clouds.

maybe this is what she gets for falling in love in the worst ways possible.

or maybe this is the consequence for having him love her back.

“i’m sorry”

he never explains, it’s always been like this. he apologises, he comforts, he apologises, he never explains. he knows he loves her, an unbearable amount; yet that’s not equivalent to being true to her, and allowing her to feel his love she desires.

it’s like he tries to provide as much light for her as possible, shining bright and radiating, yet he stood there, and she hid in his shadows.

“stop mother fucking apologising.”

she snaps, she can’t hold it back anymore, not when she’s lost him and realized everything over time, shes not going to be a coward and avoid, not again

“you’re always like this, always, are you really sorry if you don’t say why? i have so many questions for you and— i’ll be honest with you, i wasn’t even going to be mad at you, my everything, the one person id do anything for just left me, and for months pretending to be dead. i wasn’t even going to be mad at you for that, and you still decide you don’t owe me an explanation” she stares at his distant gaze in the road,

“stop giving me that look. you’re not protecting me by hiding the truth from me. if the truth hurts you should let it hit. it’s still better than internally bleeding out yet i have no idea. one day— i might just die, you might just die, again, and ill still have no idea”

“you have no right to decide what’s good for me”

“you’re no one to think for me”

she breathes, taking deep breaths, that rambling she just did, took even herself by surprise, she wants to open up more to caleb sure, but she’s still scared her words were hurtful.

they’re right love and hate do come together,

“that’s all you have to say?” caleb asks, his eyes not leaving the road

she gives him one of her dirty looks with an eye roll, “a conversation goes both ways, i expect a response you know

“one with actual thought process behind and not just fucking, i’ll be the bigger person and shut up. you’re just being avoidant”

he nods, “i am. but id rather have that than you realising who i really am by nature and distant yourself from me”

the slight sorrow in his voice, hidden so perfectly within his lines of love and maybe genuineness, breaks her heart.

maybe they know each other too well, and the fact that they love each other too well. the fear caused, love allowing avoidance shuts their mouths up once again.

she breaths heavy, eyes blinking with a hint of irritation, “we’re never going to be able to talk like this”

“and since when does our relationship has to be validated through or convicted through words

“nothings going to change right?” he pulls the lever of the car as he looks at her with anticipation and those damned sorrowful eyes again.

he knows her too well, he knows she doesn’t want the past to change, he knows he loves her and she doesn’t want that love to change.

be it the ignorance or the nature of it.

“i…” she looks away, feeling weak under caleb’s gaze, she feels her hands taken by a much rougher, warmer pair, patterns circled on her numb skin

“it’s going to be okay pip…” she closes her eyes out of a failed desperate attempt to not get affected by that nickname

she missed him.

love does come with hate, but maybe like dominant alleles in our genes, love can completely mask over the effects of the other.