endless

I'm still around, but my brain is in shambles because I'm taking the Multiple Subjects CSET on Saturday. I haven't studied well--hardly at all, which is insanely stupid on my part--, so I'm trying to cram as much as I can before Saturday. Please forgive me if I'm really slow or selective with replies. With the replies that take more thought and consideration, I'm going to be slow because I can't put up my best effort at the moment.

What’s your name? J will do.

When’s your birthday? September 4th. Oh, it's so close.

Where are you from? Everywhere and nowhere. Mostly California, Seoul, and Busan.

Have a crush? I've got the fattest crush on my boyfriend. We've been talking about marriage.

What’s your favorite color? Blue. Has been for 17 years. I still remember when I officially decided it was my favorite.

Write something in caps. I AM SO TIRED AND SHOULD BE STUDYING FOR MY LIFE'S MOST IMPORTANT TEST, BUT INSTEAD I'M WASTING MY NIGHTS BY NOT SLEEPING AND MY MORNINGS WITH EXERCISING AND MY AFTERNOONS WITH TOO MUCH TELEVISION AND FOOD.

Got a fav band/artist? This is soooo hard. Muse. I don't know. Nirvana. I don't know. Beenzino? Chance the Rapper? 10CM? Billie Holiday? UGH.

Favorite number? I have way too many. 7, 9, 13, 17, 19, 21, 23, 27, 33, 42, 47, 49, 63, 121.

Favorite drink? Water. Or diet soda. Or beer. Wow, I'm unhealthy. I also like disgusting green juices. Fresh pressed. Filled with kale, celery, cucumbers, limes, ginger, and apples for a bit of natural sweetener. I hate it, but I love it. I drink it everyday, typically.

who cooks normally?:  He does. She isn’t opposed to cooking, but compared to him, her career is more mentally and physically exhausting, and the hours and time spent on her feet surpass his. He likes to have a meal prepared for her by the time she arrives home.

how often do they fight?:  They fight regularly, but the fights are usually small and short lived. It typically starts with him accusing her of being too busy for him, and in return she becomes frustrated that, even as a fellow doctor, he can’t understand why her career is so important to her. These fights are easily resolved, however, and he’s quick to apologize for overreacting.

what do they do when they’re away from each other?:  On a normal day, being apart is hardly something to acknowledge. When he returns from work, he prepares dinner for the two of them while waiting for her. They’re typically quite busy with work until night rolls around. When they have vacations from work, however, they are usually at different times. In such a case, Woobin passive aggressively sends her texts about how surgeons take too much time on one patient and if they truly had a gifted and steady hand, the surgery would finish much sooner. In her case, she usually enjoys her free time to herself, but she does indulge in sending him one or two texts about how she misses him.

nicknames for each other?:  They prefer to stick to their names, but when joking around, they often call each other as “Doctor.”

who is more likely to pay for dinner?:  Woobin. Her position as a surgeon makes it obvious to anyone that she makes more money than him, and it makes him slightly uncomfortable. While she assures him it’s nothing to be bothered by, she allows him to pay for dinners because it helps him feel like he’s taking care of her properly.

who steals the covers at night?:  Rather than stealing the covers, they’re both adamant about making sure the other is covered enough. This usually results in them nearly on top of each other, but neither one feels any need to complain.

what would they get each other for gifts?:  Due to their jobs, they prefer to get each other things that are relevant and useful. He buys her books he finds on anything to do with the science of the heart, and she buys him books on tricky diagnostics and immunology (immunology being one of his passions rather than part of his immediate career). As a more romantic gift, he buys her collections of poems he thinks she’ll appreciate.

who remembers things?:  She remembers everything, even the things he’s positive he never told her about. It surprises him, and he tries to keep a conscious mind. But she’s easy to forgive his forgetfulness. He keeps a notebook full of important tidbits in hopes that someday he’ll actually remember some of it and shock her.

who cusses more?:  He does. She’s not much of the cussing type, and if he hears any cuss words from her, he knows something is wrong.

what would they do if the other one was hurt?:  Given that she’s a doctor herself, he trusts her ability to assess her own needs and what measures should be taken. If she’s severely hurt, he panics but tries to keep a steady head to make the proper decisions. When he’s hurt, she coddles him, and as much as he tries to deny it, he enjoys it.

who kissed who first?:  He kissed her first. She hadn’t taken much of a liking to him in the beginning, and he figured if he didn’t do it first, it would never happen.

who made the first move?:  She did, in her own subtlety, but she quickly regretted her choice after she learned how distant he liked to appear. Because of this, he ended up working at pursuing her.

who cooks normally?: While Woobin doesn’t enjoy cooking, he attempts cooking most meals for them given her condition, but she refuses to allow herself to be the damsel in distress. Because of this, he orders her to carry out various tasks in the process—sharp knives being the only instrument with which he doesn’t allow her to touch out of fear he can’t seem to force down—in order to make her feel just as useful as any other person has the right to feel. Though he would be fine with cooking on his own, he understands her need for such a simple human experience, because he wants to be the one person who doesn’t make her feel incapable.

how often do they fight?: Too often. It’s almost unhealthy, but somehow it works for them. She’s too happy, and he’s too much of a self-loathing brood. When she gets mad at him for something, he’s quick to drown himself in guilt. In turn, when he’s mad at her for something, he buries it because he doesn’t believe anything she does is comparable to his mistakes. Due to this, their fights are usually about his lack of attention and lack of investment in the relationship due to his feelings of inadequacy. She exhausts herself with trying to convince him that he’s good enough, and he tries to convince himself he’s not creating problems that don’t actually exist. 

what do they do when they’re away from each other?: He sulks. He’s accustomed to her peppy antics, and while he doesn’t vocally admit it, she brings a certain energy to his day that he finds himself craving. And she worries. She wonders how he’s doing without her, and she secretly misses being told that she’s the heroine of his world.

nicknames for each other?:  He calls her KangaMi because she reminds him of a puppy (kangaji is puppy in Korean).

who is more likely to pay for dinner?:  He prefers to pay, but when she absolutely insists on contributing something, he takes advantage of her condition and makes it seem like she’s helped pay, though in reality he’s paid everything himself.

who steals the covers at night?:  Hands down, she does. And she looks too cute while bundled up in blankets for him to care.

what would they get each other for gifts?:  He would get her a piece of 3D art, likely a landscape made into something with tangible details so she can feel what the piece consists of and paint a picture of it in her head. She would attempt sweet and well thought out surprises that would leave him thankful that she can’t see him blush.

who remembers things?: She would remember the things like birthdays and anniversaries, all of the firsts they share and the like. He would remember her all of her responsibilities and relay her schedule to her each morning because she’s just a tad forgetful.

who cusses more?: He definitely does, but he finds it inexplicably adorable when words of those sort slip from her mouth.

what would they do if the other one was hurt?: He would be frozen with fear, but he would force himself to act quickly. Given his position as a doctor, he would be extremely careful in selecting the best doctor possible to help her, given that he would not be able to think clearly enough to make the best decisions for her. And she would be lost, would be panicked because she can’t see what kind of condition he’s in. And if he would be thankful for that, because he doesn’t want her to worry more than necessary, but he would explain to an extent to keep her imagination from picturing the worst.

who kissed who first?: She attempted the first kiss, and while she’s normally quite skilled with using her fingers to assess the points of a person’s face, her nerves have altered her calculations and landed her lips on the bridge of his nose.

who made the first move?: He did, and while he normally wouldn’t have, he felt comfortable knowing she couldn’t see his face, couldn’t read past what he allowed her to.

Dear Future Me,

Originally I accidentally wrote “Fear Future Me.” I guess it would still be fitting. Because if I’m terrified of myself now, I can’t imagine what I’ll be like ten years down the road, twenty years down the road. I’m headed down a dark path, and as cliche as that sounds, nothing could be more true.

Dear Mom,

You always were a good person—much better than I’ve ever been and ever could be. You’re weren’t the best mother, but your heart was in the right place. Your decisions were flawed, but I’ve learned there’s no right answer for any situation. It’s taken me a while to figure that out. And as your son, I feel like I should have been there for you through every mistake. But I wasn’t.