#w;development

I’m worried for you. Given that your outcome depends on my current behavior, you’ve been dealt a terrible set of cards along with a terrible past to match. And it’s me who has made life so terrible for you. Please blame me, and please keep the self-destruction. It’s not as if you deserve better. You’ll still be paying for my terrible behavior, as you should be.

If you disagree with any of this, well, remember that I’m just an outdated version of you. You’re obligated to listen to me. If not, you’re just breaking a promise to yourself. And that’s a quite disservice.

Other than torturing yourself with my mistakes, I hope you’ve found a way to stop being such a coward. I hope you’ve learned to be genuine with people, and I hope you’ve learned how to allow yourself a little bit of happiness now and then.

I hope you’ve learned how to let people love you.

I work as a doctor now. I’m not sure if you know that. It’s hard to tell if you’re absorbing any information at all, but I believe you’re in there somewhere. They call you a screaming vegetable, you know. Disgraceful, but they’re keeping you in good condition otherwise. They don’t give me the choice of keeping you alive or not, considering you show brain activity. Even if they did, I’m not sure I could let you go. Maybe it would be the right thing to do—it’s like you’re living as a caged animal. But maybe I’m just that selfish. I always was selfish, wasn’t I?

If there’s anything I’ve learned from the hospital, it’s that a mother’s love is truly a complex thing. They harbor an enormous amount of guilt. And the children tend to only feel anger towards their mothers’ wrongdoings. But mothers are humans too, aren’t they? I think a child spends so long viewing their mother as a superhero that when she makes a mistake, they don’t know how to process it. She’s no longer as strong as they believed; she becomes a human in their eyes, and it terrifies them. Because it’s humans who always hurt them, and it’s their mother they always turned to in order to escape. It’s a flawed viewpoint, but it’s a child’s mind. I think mothers understand this, so instead of feeling angry in return, they just feel remorse. They learn to doubt their abilities. And rather than accepting that they’re human, they destroy themselves with the guilt.

When a mother makes a decision, she’s trying to find a balance in a stormy sea. She’s thinking of her husband, she’s thinking of her children, and she’s even thinking of herself, because an unhappy mother leads to an unhappy life for everyone. But there’s rarely ever a fair share between all of these put together, is there? And sometimes, as I mentioned, the mother makes a mistake. But I’ve learned that a mistake doesn’t mean she loves her children any less than expected of her. She’s heartbroken, and so are her children. And she tries to repair her children’s hearts while her own remains as a blended mess.

Was it really lonely for you? Being the pillar of strength in such a weak home?

I blamed you all through high school and college. For staying with a husband who learned to treat you like an insect, for allowing my father to drink himself stupid, for never making me ddeokguk on New Year’s day after Yeseung Noona died. If I never ate ddeokguk since that time, does that mean I never aged? Does that mean I can go back to that kitchen with you and dad and try to change everything?

I wish.

I wrongly blamed you. Granted, they were your decisions, but it couldn’t have been easy. And I no longer believe that you did anything out of spite, that you lost your love for me for even a second of time. I was so angry at you, but I was too young and stupid to realize that my poor judgement pushed us even further apart.

And when I left, I thought I was being strong and brave. I never thought I’d reach the day where I realize that I left because I was pathetic and weak. And I am so sorry for breaking your heart. Is it possible to break someone’s heart when it’s stayed broken? I’m not sure how you’ve survived everything. If I thought I was hurt over it all, I can’t imagine what you felt.

Sometimes I think you’re unresponsive not just because of the physical damage, but because the world has been too cruel to your heart. Living in your head is probably better than any moment I’ve ever given you. And it kills me knowing that even if I tried to make it all better, you might never come back to your senses.

In that world you’re living in, the one inside your head, am I there? Did I become a wonderful person with a genuine smile and a love for you that enfolds you in happiness? Did I thank you for everything you’ve done for me and apologize for everything I’ve done for you? Do I remember to tell you that I love you every single day?

I hope I at least do those things.

Because it would be a total waste to keep your head in a place that offers so little compared to what I owe you.

And if, by some chance, you come back to me, I promise to do all of those things and more.

You’re the mother of a man who would give everything to you.

I hope you’re still able to feel proud, to get rid of all the guilt and finally enjoy the products of your undeserving effort and strength.