i'd rather pick flowers instead of fights

He says the problem with teachers is What’s a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher? He reminds the other dinner guests that it’s true what they say about teachers: Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach. I decide to bite my tongue instead of his and resist the temptation to remind the dinner guests that it’s also true what they say about lawyers. Because we’re eating, after all, and this is polite conversation. I mean, you’re a teacher, Taylor. Be honest. What do you make? And I wish he hadn’t done that— asked me to be honest— because, you see, I have this policy about honesty and ass-­‐kicking: if you ask for it, then I have to let you have it. You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional Medal of Honor and an A-­‐ feel like a slap in the face. How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best. I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence. No, you may not work in groups. No, you may not ask a question. Why won’t I let you go to the bathroom? Because you’re bored. And you don’t really have to go to the bathroom, do you? I make parents tremble in fear when I call home: Hi. This is Mr. Mali. I hope I haven’t called at a bad time, I just wanted to talk to you about something your son said today. To the biggest bully in the grade, he said, “Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don’t you? It’s no big deal.” And that was noblest act of courage I have ever seen. I make parents see their children for who they are and what they can be. You want to know what I make? I make kids wonder, I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful over and over and over again until they will never misspell either one of those words again. I make them show all their work in math and hide it on their final drafts in English. I make them understand that if you’ve got this, then you follow this, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you give them this. Here, let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true: Teachers make a goddamn difference! Now what about you?

My new class is made up of students with lower English abilities.  They are generally quieter so classroom management isn't as big of a problem as it used to be.  However, I occasionally find myself missing the lively group of boys because my new class is sometimes too quiet.  I'll see my old students every few days, because they'll drop by to say hi to me or their old classmates.  On my way to the bathroom, I saw one of my old students wiping the board in his new classroom.  This surprised me because I know for a fact that he does not like his new teacher, so seeing him do something nice for her was abnormal.  I stopped to say hi and found out that he had detention for talking too much in class.  We got to talking about his schoolwork and homework.  Because he still had time on the clock before he could leave, I coerced him into starting his spring break homework.  [No, I didn't give my kids any because I hated teachers that did that and I don't want to come back and have to grade a whole bunch of stuff. Yes, I'm selfish, too.]  

As we started working on it, I tried to catch up with him at the same time.  We did about half of the worksheet before his time was up.  Before he left, I tried to encourage him to do better and to take pride in his work.  This particular student is one of those kids that could go either way.  If he pulls it together, he can pass high school and probably go to city college at least.  But if he keeps slacking off, he'll end up having to take night school all the time and not being able to graduate high school.  

I hate watching students that are at this juncture in their life; the students will usually end up slacking off and enrolling in night school.  One of my students told me that he's getting transferred to another school, because he's failing too many classes at Galileo.  [Yes, when students fail too many classes, we pass them off to other high schools in hopes that this will help them do better. Such a lie.]  Another one of my students that transferred out is in such bad shape that I seriously cannot imagine what she'll be doing in ten years.

I am learning a lot about EndNote, search engines, and the powers of the comment and highlight section in PDFs after I have finished my undergrad degree... Why didn't I know about these things DURING my undergrad years?!  Writing research papers and my senior project would have been so much easier!!  And I can't even really use this knowledge on my master's project because I only have two more weeks left and my literature review is due tonight at 11PM, hence my desire to write on tumblr instead.  I never had to write such lengthy papers during undergrad so this has been a new experience for me.  

i almost feel finals are more stressful for me than they are for my kids.

it's so hard making a fair test and coming up with good fake answers for multiple choice questions.

it's probably more stressful right now than it should be, because i'm also working on my master's project. i deeply regret trying to complete my master's during my first year of teaching. i'm losing motivation to work on this project; i find myself dragging my feet whenever i have an assignment due for my master's class. i'm learning a lot about myself as a teacher, but the work itself and data i'm finding is not very meaningful in the "bigger picture" sense.

the rote of daily living has also affected my quiet times with God. it's hard to set aside time to focus on praying or reading my Bible when i know i have so much other work to finish. and when i try to set aside time, i'm so tired that i often catch myself falling asleep during quiet times. this disconnect from God is probably a factor in losing my motivation.

last week, a Christian student asked me why he has to work so hard to get good grades when in the end, we're just going to go to heaven where school doesn't really matter.  I told him that God has blessed us all with different abilities and gifts. in america, we are blessed with the opportunity to go to school for free[!].  he was blessed with the smarts to learn and should make sure that he uses them and doesn't waste them. being in school also is a vast missions field, one that i can't fully delve into like he can. the bible also tells us not to be lazy while we wait for Jesus to come back!

my answer was an automatic response, drilled into me by years of sunday school and growing up in the church. but as i replay the situation in my mind, it becomes more and more obvious to me that God was using the student's question as a reminder for me, too. i need to remember that everything i do is supposed to be for God's glory, even the little things.

While I won't pretend to be fully aware of all the evil in the world, it's heartbreaking to read about the violence in my own city.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/11/05/BAT91LQLJ9.DTL

I live in a very safe neighborhood in comparison.  There have been a few people mugged near my house and the occasional car window broken, but nothing in comparison to what the people in Sunnydale face every day.

I am thankful that God has given me a roof over my head and a stable family life.  I am not oblivious to the blessings God has given me, but it's uncomfortable knowing that I have this while so many other people are suffering.  

Peets FTW!

After a long week of staying at school past 6, I finally left school at 4:30 Friday after handling the incessant needs of my children.  This is probably why I have lost 10 pounds since school started.  I'm starting to need new pants =(

I sleep but don't feel rested.

I work but don't feel any satisfaction.

I teach but don't see any student growth.

I wander aimlessly without my God.  I thought I was a teacher because God wanted me to guide my students through life, but it's been so hard to find energy for them.  I want to love them all, but they just... are so trying.  I don't know what God wants me to do with them.  I am so weary at the end of each day and am at my wits end on how to deal with some of them.  When did kids get so crazy and complicated?  While there are times I just want to yell at them for being so ridiculous, stupid, and insolent, my heart breaks for them at the same time.  

Eight weeks ago, I didn't know any of them or what they've experienced in life.  I can see that some of them have had past emotional trauma and need healing.  There are students who don't trust adults because they've been in foster care.  There are students who are torn between two fighting divorced parents.  And then there are students who have no faith in their abilities and have been told all their life that school is meaningless or that they have no chance in making it.  The last one really makes me angry at whomever raised these children.  Why would you ever tell a person they can't make it??  It breaks my heart to have students come into my room not caring about their future, because they think they don't think school is important or that it matters.  And while yes, you don't need to go to an Ivy League school or go to a 4 year college to have a successful life, being educated [at least at the high school level] can get you further in life.  It unlocks many other careers for you and if nothing else, shows that you at least have it together enough to get through four years of high school.

I used to want to paint my walls with this special black paint that you can write on with chalk. [something like this: http://www.benjaminmoore.com/portals/bmps.portal?_nfpb=true&_br=1&_pageLabel=fh_home&np=public_site/articles/learn_how/lh_chalkboard] But Aaron and some other friends said it'd get too messy with all the chalk dust.

So now I propose this... dry-erase walls! [http://www.ideapaint.com/home/ideapaint/] There would be much less dust [duh] and even more colors to write with!

finally... pictures from my sister's wedding! :]

the first link is a slideshow of all the wedding highlights.  the second link is more pictures from the rest of the night. enjoy!

http://ellejae.com/slideshows/JenniferMattWedding

http://ellejae.smugmug.com/Weddings/Jennifer-and-Matt

I can't focus enough to write an actual post but here are some thoughts and updates that have been on my mind:

I got my teaching credential, which means I'm job hunting.

This, in turn, means I am getting more nervous as the school year approaches and I don't have a job.  This of course is exacerbated by the fact that I haven't been applying to many jobs.

Aaron has four and a half more weeks in norcal! We need another family reunion please.

I need to work on trusting God's plan.

I need to come to terms with my fear of teaching.

All I want to do is garden, read, and cook/bake.