You Issued The Challenge

Ain’t no two bones about it, after finally getting through the bouts of anxiety, the stupid depressive thoughts & the ridiculous bouts of suicidal curiosity; it all makes sense. The constant that was the beacon of her light through my random ass dark period. It’s not nice that i had to fight within myself emotionally; but, i love her. Thought about it; long, introspectively, and looked at all of the angles. That’s love fam. So i’m gonna do what i need to do to get right and explain that to her. i don’t want to live in that gregret no more. so i’ll do my damndest to explain that to her; respect the spacial boundaries provided; and slowly express the love that i’ve had and couldn’t express verbally then, due to the emotional blocks. It’s fine, context clues are everywhere. I’m gonna follow em. upset that the time ticked the way it did; but gracious that i  absolutely know for sure and there’s no doubt at all. Yeah, this main story is gonna be so awesome. #FuckFiller

regardless of however i slice this cake; the “fairy tale honeymoon” infatuation stage has long passed. Being emotionally in tune is both a gift and a curse; because even though you can feel your own emotions and understand them, you can start to siphon  off of their energies and kinda get a feel for them as well. it also doesn’t help that i’ve gotten really really good at just reading people. These things are a problem; and in this instance one is hurting my capacity to work with the other. There was an infatuation that grew out of curiosity & wonderment; that bloomed into deep feelings of passion; which budded into what i didn’t know were the beginnings of the feelings of love. My body/spirit reacted completely adverse than what i’m normally accustomed. That woman is fuckin amazing, did i blow it; prolly. Did i give up yet, nawl. we’re cool and there’s wayyy too much untapped “what ifs” for me to sit here and just let em fall. One foot in front of the other; one hand up the rope at a time, but no matter what; always forward. always. Progress might be a slow process, but i’ll gonna get where i gotta go.

i’m supposed to be the strong one. like the emotional rock; the stable foundation, and now it’s like quicksand poured on top of mud on top of a snow pile. Shifty & can’t get a foundation. I don’t understand why or how; or even when it happened; but like; where can i go to fix it these issues? I already looked inside and thought i was good, but apparently that was wrong as fuck.

Here i was living a regular life, assuming that what i have is considered regular; and like this smart, amazing, beautiful young woman comes along; we speak talk become great friends closer than ever thought, etc. but like she wasn’t in the same timezone. did our best to make it work as friends. I had developed deep feelings for her, but i didn’t want to impose anything upon her, and was hoping that we could take our time to get to know each other a little more and just kinda like feel through it. It also didn’t hurt that i was unknowingly fighting anxiety in regards to my feelings and being with someone. Like, i don’t even know how to explain that when we were together the energy felt absolutely amazing, but it felt like i was watching from a third person perspective. I don’t know. Anyway, i didn’t know what to do, i didn’t want to like impose the feeling so i hped that iit would play out; then i was confronted with probably the worst thing ever and had a fit of “i don’t want to talk to the world” depression, and at the worst time, and i couldn’t reach out. absolutely paralyzed by fear and all i wanted to do was just say hi. I run through different thoughts in my head a lot; because that’s just what i do, and it always comes back to me like what if i just left everyfucking thingon a whim, hope and a prayer? like what if i actually said fuck it and risked it all. I almost did the sort before, but that one dipped on the kid while he was across the ocean. I mean granted i was over her; and the relationship situation; but i was most definitely paralyzed by the anxiety of potentially getting into a LDR and the potentiality of it coming to actual fruition stopped me from going forward. So here’s where it gets weird as fuck. I absolutely adore ShortyDooWop; 100%. She’s amazing as fuck, and if the planets aligned and time could go back yeah dude drop of a hat i’m the fuck out; forget everthing i think i know i’m leaving this definitely could work. I understand that the universe is a cruel fucking mistress, and here in lies the problem; as who i am; i truly absolutely legitimately care about her; as a person and a friend. I’ve said countless times and i don’t quite know how to express this anymore than “i just want to keep you in my life as someone to talk to and as a friend simply because i have a really hard problem meeting and getting to know people, and once i am close with someone i don’t like to let them go, no matter the position they keep in my life” Something else is pretty fucky too; i’ve had ex’s and girlfriends and sex pals and the like; but when we’d like end whatever it was; there was never a lingering feeling of “you should prolly keep fighting” Like, I’m not a cold person, nor am I “petty” or “savage” so like i respect break ups & the like; but not before can i remeber the feeling of me not talking to someone for 5 months and still wanting to keep some sort of contact i had a close friend of over 4 years, and we lost contact for about 4 months, and that was it. I don’t understand why i’m sitting here like this; cause i understand words i understand reason. like i fucking get it but why can’t i get her off my fucking mind g? like regardless, i just want to make sure she’s ok. I don’t fuckng understand!?? Oh, and to the point of the “curse” since you should be rewarded, i don’t know if it’s the company i keep around me, with their strange relationship energies; or if it’s just something i did in the past and i’ve been hit with a ridiculous life-curse, or what; but like ... every time i try to get right in a relationship; it backfires. I’ve rushed in like a fool, it backfired. I took it slow, it backfired. I was selfish, failed. selfless; failed. Found a happy medium between both; still failed. tried to build a friendship before a relationship, failed. i even tried to jump straight into a relationship, also failed. I’m not trying to hit the “but i’m a nice guy” line; i’m just overly confused as to what/where/how i keep fuckin up. I’m like too reserved to do the online dating thing, cause i don’t like being super open to people, which sucks. and i want to share; i really really do; but i don’t know when it’s appropriate to explain to someone that i might suffer from ptsd and anxiety like symptoms so if i do something out of the ordinary like disappear from contact for a few months; it’s not cause i’m trying to run and leave you high and dry, it’s me just gathering myself to not overthink myself down into suicidal thoughts and pathways. It’s hard to convey to explain that i don’t ever joke or mess around with the relationship things like, emotions of that nature mean the fucking world to me, I’m an emotional creature by nature and if it does come up; they’re not for show or for some phony false pretense. I don’t like to dabble in heartbreak cause that shit is fuckin’ painful. But i just don’t understand how to convey this to the right person; and when what might have been the right person comes through; and all of these negatives in you combine to fuck it up; and you have no idea to combat those....you lose; and you lose fucking big. What i don’t understand tho; is if energies coexist; and the bond works; and it’s still there when it hasn’t been in a long time; why oh why would you fight it? The fear of the pain that would come in the event that the bond is broken, again, fair. but....if a person is legitimately trying to do all they can; fair shots are fair for everyone, even when I ... i swore off breaking the rules of engagement.