A Noite Estrelada - Van Gogh
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@drrunknmonologue
A Noite Estrelada - Van Gogh

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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nelangsaku menantimu pulang ke dalam kedua lenganku, rumahmu yang pernah tapi tidak lagi
kuletakkan pelita-pelita kecil supaya kau mudah menemukan jalan setapak menuju aku, bahkan dalam gelap yang kian murung, meski kusadari betul jalan itu sudah perlahan hilang pudar dan kau sapu bersih sisa keberadaannya dari peta di dalam kepalamu
tapi aku yakin, hatimu masih hapal mati
aku masih mau kamu kembali, entah bodoh, tuli, atau sekadar tak tahu diri
tapi aku janji, kebun nyawaku sudah berganti
maafkan dia yang dulu tandus, yang mampu tumbuh hanya kaktus, yang semakin erat kau peluk semakin pedih kau tertusuk
semenjak pergimu, aku beralih
tanahnya sudah kuganti, kini aku menanam jati
supaya tetap rindang di antara kuatnya hembusan angin, yang tetap tegar bediri meski kemarau tak bertepi
aku setia menanti gerimis dan badaimu, cerah dan terikmu
meranggas aku menunggu datangmu, tapi aku tidak akan mati karena tetes demi tetes harapan darimu senantiasa menghidupiku, memberiku napas walau satu-satu
hingga kini, aku berdoa jarum kompas hatimu mengarah ke selatan, karena kutunggu kau di sana, tepat di belakangmu jika sedikit saja kau tergerak untuk menengok ke arahku
tak kuasa aku berjalan di depanmu sebab memang kamu yang memilih pergi dariku
tapi aku janji, jika suatu saat kau sudi memalingkan wajahmu barang sedikit saja kepadaku, aku akan berlari menemuimu, di manapun itu
dari sana, kita berjalan bersama ke tempat yang selalu kita tahu dan kita mau.
sep 14, 2024 / 1.16 a.m.
mother,
i wish you hadnât left me alone to face such a cruel world
i wish you didnât make me carry your baggage when i had barely learned to carry mine
i wish youâd let me be a kid when it was time, for now iâm in my 20âs feeling even more lost than ever, not sure where to go and if i trust myself enough to choose my own path
i wish youâd been there through my self-doubts, instead you call me childish and doubted me more
i deserved better, mother
i know youâve only been through so much, but iâve always been there with you, iâve always been there to wipe your tearsâeven those you shed to make me feel guilty for not being enough
but where were you when i needed you most?
when i begged you to let me leave, you made me feel ungratefulâbut what was there to ever be grateful for?
i lost myself trying to be good for you, now iâm not even good for myself
i swear i love you, but i have to love myself more because you never really did
i never planned to stay alive until 21
growing up sounds nauseating when youâve been forced to do that since you were a child
i lived for you and somehow it wasnât enough
so what do i do, mother?
iâm a ticking time bomb and iâve never wanted to explode more than i do tonight
december 29, 2021
often we sit down and tell each other about how life shapes us and breaks us and how we're still trying to recover from everything that's done to us that we couldn't quite grasp
i have gone through terrible weather and you have been living in storms your whole life
and though i don't know much about storms, i know a thing or two about handling bad weather and i want to help out
and though i've had my fair share of sadness and unfortunate things, i'm still upset about how cruel life could be to such lovely being
and though now i see gleams in your eyes, i know that there were once only tears you held back so much because you were too tired to cry
and though you now seem so lively and wild, i know that you were once lonely and dying inside
and i want to pull my hair out, because i feel so helpless and frustrated that i can't do nothing but love you as much as i could and hope that things will somehow work out
and i so badly want to tell you that you are not what happened to you and that you are safe with me and i will not hurt you like everything used to, but instead i keep myself silent because what do i do to prove it to you? sweet words won't do, so i pray i would be granted life long enough to make sure you never feel the need to question just how much i love you
february 20, 2022 / 6.47 am

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you are not the first person i love, yet you taught me so much in such short period of time.
i never knew love could be so strong yet so gentle.
i've never seen love so protecting yet so liberating.
i've never felt love so soon yet so deep.
how do i thank you, for the abundance of love you shower me with?
how do i show you, that i have as much but the curse of being human gives me a limit?
february 19, 2022 / 10.16 pm
love is running into the arms of your lover after days of not seeing them
love is rolling to the other side of the bed half-asleep because your lover is finally there and you can't wait until you wake to hold them
february 19, 2022 / 10.22 pm
âand all of a sudden, all worldly motions stop when my eyes caught your presence.â
it was pouring rain and we were holding hands
my freezing palms and you held me in your arms
i think to myself:
"i would set the world on fire to keep you warm."
february 14, 2022 / 6.35 pm
i want a boyfriend not because i donât feel enough on my own but because i want to have someone to share things with. if i buy myself a tea cup then you get one. if i ate a good dessert alone then iâll take you to the place i got it and share the dish to have a whole new first-time experience with you. if i got myself a new dress and i happen to like the fabric, i want someone to touch it and get all giggly because they also like it. i want someone i can send cat pictures to, someone i can be super random with, âdo you like windows? i like windows letâs get married and build ourselves a house with huge ass windows!â i want someone i can call at 3 in the morning to cry about life and laugh it off 10 minutes after. i want someone to come home to my arms and make themself feel safe after a long, exhausting day. i want someone to drink wine with, because wine reminds me of love and for once i want to stop drinking vodka because it tastes a lot like forgetting.
january 15, 2022

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every day since youâre gone, i light my heart on fire. iâve got to keep it warm from the coldness of your absence. it is now a bonfire and i sit right next to it just to feel something. and god, does fire burn when you get too close and too muchâguess i never learn, i have been so starved of warmth to the point that i couldnât get enough, and by the time i realized, everything is already in ashes. nonetheless, it still feels better than turning blue and freezing from the cold.
if you canât already tell, i detest cold with all these crumbling pieces i dare to call a heart. it reminds me too much of the times i was shivering and you were there to keep me warm and offer me comfort. there in your arms, it felt like i shouldnât have to worry; like things would always work out and i shouldnât fear anything too much. well, jokes on me, we didnât even work outâbut it sure felt so real i could recall it in my bones.
your arms were the most home iâve ever felt, and i am now homeless. if i could play the victim, i would. i would act like you were the one who left, like things were taken away from me in a split second. but i couldnât. because you didnât. i did. i was always prepared for you to leave: i wrote break up notes when we had mad fights, i made dozens of playlist to cry to when you finally decide i wasnât good enough. i always tried my best to prepare for change, but i never thought i would be the one changing. and nothing could ever prepare me for the pain of leaving youâletting you go when all iâve ever wanted was to keep you around.
october 10, 2021
i flinch at the thought of you because god, do i love youâbut holy shit, do i deserve everything iâve been crying for (and you couldnât give them to me).
i left you, not because i donât love youâi still doâbut i needed myself more. but why am i still the one who cries and prays that you would run back to me? i know i left you, but god, iâd take you back in a heartbeat if youâre even willing to try.
(please do)
(donât you see how desperate i am for your love)
why didnât you hold me when i needed it? things wouldâve been much simpler. love couldâve been so much easier. the pain wouldnât be too deadly, and i wouldnât have to kill a part of me just so the pain would be less intense. when your light came, my pain dimmed down;
but so did my love.
october 5, 2021
my chest feels heavy, my heart hurts. i just want to be loved the way i love. i want to be taken care of the way i care for people. is it too much? if itâs not, how come thereâs no love rushing into my arms and soothe the ache in my heart? how come itâs always too late? why do i always have to be taken for granted before i was taken seriously? why do i have to be missing before finally being missed? why does he think iâm just a piece in his puzzle when really, i am the entire picture?
why does he have to lose me to realize that it would indeed be a big loss?
october 5, 2021
kamu ini optimis, buta, atau pura-pura gila?
berpuluh hari belakangan, aku beralih beda. tapi kamu tetap sama. dan aku tidak tahu harus apaâralatâaku tahu, tapi aku tak sampai hati mengungkapkannya. aku sudah pernah memohon, mengemis, meminta: tapi pengabaianmu adalah jawab yang sungguh menyiksa. seperti ditolak mentah, tapi kau bahkan tak sudi menyampaikannya dalam kata yang bisa dipahami aku si manusia bebal nan putus asa. diammu menjawab sekaligus membuatku semakin bertanya-tanyaâbukan lagi tentangmu, aku marah-marah pada diriku sendiri dan mencari kurangku di mana, salahku apa. kamu tak juga angkat bicara. andai hening bisa menggurat luka, sudah mampus aku berdarah-darah luluh lantak terpecah belah.
ketika telah habis permohonanku, punah diberantas kesunyianmuâhilang pula harapku, undur diri sebab ketidakacuhanmu; kau datang membawa semua yang pernah aku pinta, yang dulu harus kurebut sedikit dari genggamanmu karena haus akan jawabmu, semata-mata agar aku dapat mencicipinya barang sekali-dua kali waktu. tapi aku sudah tidak mau lagi. aku telanjur melarat dan papa, segala keinginan sudah lama kutenggelamkan hingga ketika akhirnya dia kembali muncul dalam ingatan, aku tak kuasa untuk sekadar berangan.
aku cinta, sudah barang tentu. tapi aku tak lagi mampu menerima. upayamu cuma mengacak-acak perasaanku, mencampur aduk pahit dan manis dalam ingatanku, mengaburkan segala sesuatu yang pernah aku inginkan dengan apa yang sesungguhnya terjadi. aku seperti pohon tua yang kau abaikan sedemikian lama, hingga berulang kali aku mati suri yang kau bangunkan dengan penyesalan-penyesalan sementara. ketika aku sudah terlalu lemah untuk tumbuh, baru kau sadar bahwa akulah yang diterjang badai demi menjagamu, akulah yang diterpa terik demi teduhmu. lalu kau sirami aku dengan penyesalan-penyesalan yang lebih deras. percuma. aku sudah tak kuasa. lebih baik kau cari pohon baru yang masih mampu. biarlah aku meranggas dalam ingatanmu.
september 10, 2021
i love you. i did. i still do. and iâm still trying to.
but how many times have i asked? how many times did i beg? i lost count, but all i know for sure is iâve had enough that i donât even bother to try again. iâve been so loud that i am now quiet. and still you donât even try. your promises were always mere words, yet i always chose to believe.
i donât ask for much, do i? i only want your time. sure, you do give me some, but you talk to me in your spare time and i make time for you no matter what. we are two very different people, arenât we? do opposites still attract? maybe, but would it work if thereâs no common ground? my heart doesnât think so.
i am so tired of begging, of being a second choice, of being something you postpone, of feeling lonely even when youâre around; because youâre simply not there. i recently realized that you like challenges, and i wish i hadnât been so easy. maybe if i was more fun you would spend more time with me. i was so in love, i wrapped myself around you. you didnât even have to ask. i loved you so much it felt like drowning. god, was i suffocating.
you used to read me like a novel: you only have to pay enough attention to the first half, the other half youâll guess without a miss. but have you heard the newsâthat i am now another woman? were you around to realize? three years ago you told me you wanted to see someone new; have you met me? because iâve changed. well, you have seen me for sure, but did i pique your interest? it doesnât seem so.
for the first time in ages, i feel lostâand it makes me choke. is this a game for two, or is it your game we are playing? âcause i have no clue. can we restart this timeâhow many chances do we have left? i am hesitant. is this all to it? i feel we are closer to the dead end.
september 04, 2021

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sekali waktu
aku pernah menjadi tepuk yang tak berbunyi. rindu yang hanya tau arah pergi. kasih yang tak pernah kau bawa kembali. janji-janji yang kau ingkari.
aku adalah gigil dalam dekap yang dingin nan sendiri. malam masih panjang dan kau gelisah menanti pagi. satu-satunya selimut yang tersisa hanyalah sepi, sisanya kau bawa pergi hingga aku membiru menantimu memecah sunyi. hampir mati aku diluluhlantakkan cintamu yang setengah hati. hampir hilang warasku mengemis agar kau kembali.
june 23, 2021
she wouldâve made such a lovely bride, what a shame sheâs fucked in the head