The more fun sideblog

Life or mason jar for emo ant

one more thing before I go to Bed and rest my feeble joints. I havent drawn wormzi before auuuaauauahh idk I just winged it stylizing I hope she looks slimy enough

bonus

Like, V doesn't mind Uzi taking charge here at all, and especially doesn't mind being torn apart by her, but Uzi knows sometimes it's easy to forget herself and lose herself in the act of "killing" that could become very dangerous. So, she makes a muzzle for herself, hoping this will at least stop herself from doing something permanent.

And V thinks it's so fucking hot that Uzi can't control herself to the point of making a muzzle for herself. Feeling the metal bars pressing right into her casing, drool very much dripping onto her as Uzi's pinning her down, growling so much it's probably something V can feel throughout her body as both of them can clearly hear when Uzi's jaws try to clamp down on her.

J is fucked up in the sense it's she pretty much did do everything to stay together she just won't say it. On the surface it seems like keeping them together is part of the Cyn appeasement. J lied to V and promised whatever mislead her to think they could "get away", which is like, of course, because V wouldn't have been on board with the mission otherwise (and by extension N), and Cyn's pressure was on J to be the boss and carry things out and not fuck up Cyn's toys. But if J protecting herself for Cyn's wrath was the ONLY reason, there wouldn't have been any reason for J to stop mid fight with V to ask her to come back "as a team". Like it's just not J's problem at that point if V wants to go rouge. Before going to the lab, Cyn told J to wait in the car, everything that happened with N and V in the lab was under Cyn's watch. Cyn left V behind with the dinos. Literally none of that was J's responsibility at that point, and Cyn was already in the planet eating stage so I doubt she cared about J to wrangle her team in. Honestly since V and N were out of line Cyn was probably just planning on killing them and either booting up backups as usual

J stopping to appeal to V was nothing but her own prerogative. She wanted V to stay with her. She might've been scared of what Cyn would do to her, if her memory would be wiped or worse, idk, but J genuinely didn't think there was an escape for any of them, and felt like being together was something they had.

And I do think hell would freeze over before admitting she even slightly wants N there, but she does in some way. (and I'm sure she just knows that as long as she keeps V, N's a package deal. Or simply the fact that he's Cyn's favorite and will always come back but V is on thin ice). Cause here's the thing with both N and V.. to perhaps differing degrees (but who knows really) J might not actually love them, she might not actually care about them as people, and I do say might because it's really not clear, but none of that is necessary to /want them/. They are constants, they are company, they have been there her entire life and they like being with her (even if she acts so very ungrateful). If she does hate him, she can simultaneously hate N with all her being and not want him to go anywhere. Trauma does this shit to people.

I have a thing in my drafts where I do an analysis on the staging and symbolism going on in the beginning of ep 6, but a highlight (and I'm not the first to point this bit out, there's just more leading up to it!) is when Tessa throws J the key and dismisses her, J very candidly hesitates and gives a split second glance towards V then N before she leaves.

But also, every moment of the episode up UNTIL a certain point, the staging NEVER visually shows J in between N and V UNTIL Tessa crosses over to the other side here (cutting through the trio) and throws J the key. It is only then she appears in the middle, leading to where she hesitates and, also note this ALL J. we can't even see N and V's expressions.

She wanted to go with them. She was gone for a few months wasn't she? She thought she was getting reunited and she was disappointed she wasn't. And again.. Cyn was going with them (and hamming it up playing the part of the leader), so it wasn't anything about being eager to boss them around again. She straight up just wanted to be there and was NOT enthused about getting another break from them.

And jumping back to the finale, y'know I think J's "I never needed either of you" line is interesting too. It kind of comes out of nowhere. She's smugly taunting V one second, kicks her pretty far away, and says it in a volume just short of being a whisper. And "either of you" when N hadn't been mentioned by V and J whatsoever, and the lines prior were completely directed at V. Like obviously J is lashing out and coping with the fact she's still alone on the Cyn side, but I just think there's a little more coping going on there too that's being said primarily to herself.

First, on her feelings about N because I think about this in so much detail every day: J hates N, but she doesn't want him to go. At the same time... she's jealous!

This has been a constant for a very long time. Ever since N gained some presence so pretty early within his introduction to the manor I reckon.

For one: The jealousy. N is loveable, happy and willing to sacrifice himself for everyone. I truly do believe these are things that J envies, and at the same time she DESPISES and refuses to ever be like that herself.

It's foolish and careless in her eyes, but at the same time it means he is loved in such an unadulterated amount that she cannot help but feel her chest thighten about it. She knows that for better or worse she cannot do that for anyone else other than Tessa and herself. To a degree, she's too scared. She envies that boldness as someone who's SUPPOSED to be bold in her own eyes.

Not just that, but as someone who admires Tessa as much as she does (platonic or romantic interpretations do not change this in my opinion, J's need to be adored by Tessa is a crucial part of her days in the manor and in general, there is a reason WHY the Solver took Tessa and it's because of the way she impacted all of her drones), seeing N being so quickly adored by her because he DESERVES that love must be painful, really painful.

Sidenote: His widespread adoration extends to the Solver. She knows he's the favorite. He gets to live in bliss without memories while she's made to know EVERYTHING and live on with its torture.

In relation to that: Her hatred for him. I truly think J hates him, or at the very minimun believes she does. (How strongly she ACTUALLY hates him VS how much of it is actually just deflection ONTO him is another matter altogether).

He's someone willing to throw himself into a firepit for anyone he loves and is always cheery and ready to have fun even in terrible situations. This is admirable, but it's also... it's a threat.

Again, even back in the manor J always had to be hyper-aware of her surroundings. Managing everything to keep both herself and Tessa safe. One mistake and a drone would end up scrapped and Tessa inevitably would end up abused for it (We do know her parents are abusive, although how much beyond what we see is unknown. It's bad, though.)

Someone that is so willing to find fun and sacrifice himself for others is also someone that is a DIRECT threat to that. He's unpredictable. Him covering for someone else could impact Tessa or get him scrapped (which eventually it does). This goes completely against everything that J has built to have a somewhat safe and stable life in a very volatile and abusive environment.

So of course, someone that dangerous must be despised. It's only reasonable. It's defensiveness, it's fear. Even if that's not the best of choices, people under trauma sometimes do whatever is necessary to survive and I know J is no different.

What's worse? She probably knows it's bad, but it just makes her hate him even MORE. Because it must be his fault! He's the reason her safety was disrupted! (Even though he's a victim too. It's easier. She can't fight her abusers, but she can fight him.)

Then on her latching onto him, but also V.

They are all she has of her past that is actually real. Even if she's delusionally latching onto the Solver's acts she still acts very aware that it is not Tessa. It may provide some comfort, but it also hurts.

V and N are themselves. They may have changed, but only as much as she has, they are still themselves.

If they stand out of line at BEST they will be reset and a new clone will be made, but at WORST? The Solver could get tired of them and decide that enough is enough and that's it for them. Not just that, but either by the Solver's own doing or by J's past trauma she may even fear that them standing out of line will end up hurting her, too. I do not think there's one singular "thing" but more of a combination of issues causing her to latch on.

She is... ultimately not a lonely person. She's always depended on having someone else by her side. She may be bossy— which I think is a trait she had from the beginning but got intensified into a coping mechanism over time— but she just does not do well being alone, or even being the one stuck managing everything.

Managing stuff is stressful, it's scary! One wrong step and it's all over. Having someone telling her what to do removes some level of that responsability, she's never truly put herself at the top, just in a role that is in the middle. Buut to have that role in the middle, she has to have someone to latch onto. Someone that she can boss around, but also someone that she feels is close enough to her that she can be not-alone.

Similarly, I also just think J cannot survive by herself. Even if she were perfectly capable, she'd crumble. She needs to be surrounded by others to survive even if it's by force. She does not care how much she has to hurt them, she knows she cannot live if she's alone.

She needs them, she KNOWS she needs them, she has to keep them submissive enough so she won't be left behind. She cannot handle the idea that she's being abandoned, even if she thinks she hates them beyond belief.

It's unhealthy— unsure if she knows this or not— and she will do anything to make sure they are her stable constant through hell because she knows there is no way out.

Then on her not thinking defeating Cyn was possible! Because I truly do think this is an absolute for her.

The Solver has made it VERY well known for her that there is no way out. Rebelling won't lead to death (an "end", even though I think J is genuinely too afraid to die to give in if death was an option), it will just lead to being hurt and forced until there is no other paths to take.

As long as you are useful, you don't get a choice. Trying to escape will just lead to being hurt. J has NEVER had another point of reference.

Before the Solver it was the manor, and we know how that went.

J is a chronically afraid person (er, drone, whichever). She's basically like those experiments where if a rat gets shocked enough, it will stop doing whatever it relates to the shock.

Rebelling leads to pain and never gets a success, thereby rebelling must be useless!

N and V fighting against J most definitely felt like a betrayal and sheer ingratitude towards the burden she took on for them, but I have to think, aside from J not feeling like it was possible to defeat Cyn and in general wanted to get the status quo back ... There was probably some notion of like making another hard decision to do what's best for them .. maybe in addition to the selfish part that's just like "I don't want to be alone" but I guess I'd have to wonder what it might've looked like if they won and Cyn killed N and V and maybe finally proposed it was time to shelve them, I don't think Cyn would be all that sympathetic to J saying she's be lonely without them (if she'd even be able to admit that), J might actually advocate for them and their usefulness maybe even try to form an excuse to get them off the hook? Something, surely something, because the way I looked at BOTH of them when she got tossed the ship key I can't see her not making a pretty similar expression if Cyn said she wasn't bringing them back.

I am a firm believer that J thinks she's doing what is best and right and that her choice is what they should do (beyond her loneliness) until the second everything crumbles down and she's met with the reality that she was wrong (and I do think this is something she's in denial about, even if only partially bc there's not much you can deny with the Solver being dead... although she may think it will return, which is another thing I think about often. What if she thinks its a trick?)

I don't think the Solver would be sympathetic at the slightest if it wanted to scrap them for J's sake, yeah. In fact I'd be willing to go on a limb that the whole reason she's put as the boss is part of her custom-made torture, micromanaging them for the fear of losing them could easily be intentional on the Solver's plan.

J is fucked up in the sense it's she pretty much did do everything to stay together she just won't say it. On the surface it seems like keeping them together is part of the Cyn appeasement. J lied to V and promised whatever mislead her to think they could "get away", which is like, of course, because V wouldn't have been on board with the mission otherwise (and by extension N), and Cyn's pressure was on J to be the boss and carry things out and not fuck up Cyn's toys. But if J protecting herself for Cyn's wrath was the ONLY reason, there wouldn't have been any reason for J to stop mid fight with V to ask her to come back "as a team". Like it's just not J's problem at that point if V wants to go rouge. Before going to the lab, Cyn told J to wait in the car, everything that happened with N and V in the lab was under Cyn's watch. Cyn left V behind with the dinos. Literally none of that was J's responsibility at that point, and Cyn was already in the planet eating stage so I doubt she cared about J to wrangle her team in. Honestly since V and N were out of line Cyn was probably just planning on killing them and either booting up backups as usual

J stopping to appeal to V was nothing but her own prerogative. She wanted V to stay with her. She might've been scared of what Cyn would do to her, if her memory would be wiped or worse, idk, but J genuinely didn't think there was an escape for any of them, and felt like being together was something they had.

And I do think hell would freeze over before admitting she even slightly wants N there, but she does in some way. (and I'm sure she just knows that as long as she keeps V, N's a package deal. Or simply the fact that he's Cyn's favorite and will always come back but V is on thin ice). Cause here's the thing with both N and V.. to perhaps differing degrees (but who knows really) J might not actually love them, she might not actually care about them as people, and I do say might because it's really not clear, but none of that is necessary to /want them/. They are constants, they are company, they have been there her entire life and they like being with her (even if she acts so very ungrateful). If she does hate him, she can simultaneously hate N with all her being and not want him to go anywhere. Trauma does this shit to people.

I have a thing in my drafts where I do an analysis on the staging and symbolism going on in the beginning of ep 6, but a highlight (and I'm not the first to point this bit out, there's just more leading up to it!) is when Tessa throws J the key and dismisses her, J very candidly hesitates and gives a split second glance towards V then N before she leaves.

But also, every moment of the episode up UNTIL a certain point, the staging NEVER visually shows J in between N and V UNTIL Tessa crosses over to the other side here (cutting through the trio) and throws J the key. It is only then she appears in the middle, leading to where she hesitates and, also note this ALL J. we can't even see N and V's expressions.

She wanted to go with them. She was gone for a few months wasn't she? She thought she was getting reunited and she was disappointed she wasn't. And again.. Cyn was going with them (and hamming it up playing the part of the leader), so it wasn't anything about being eager to boss them around again. She straight up just wanted to be there and was NOT enthused about getting another break from them.

And jumping back to the finale, y'know I think J's "I never needed either of you" line is interesting too. It kind of comes out of nowhere. She's smugly taunting V one second, kicks her pretty far away, and says it in a volume just short of being a whisper. And "either of you" when N hadn't been mentioned by V and J whatsoever, and the lines prior were completely directed at V. Like obviously J is lashing out and coping with the fact she's still alone on the Cyn side, but I just think there's a little more coping going on there too that's being said primarily to herself.

First, on her feelings about N because I think about this in so much detail every day: J hates N, but she doesn't want him to go. At the same time... she's jealous!

This has been a constant for a very long time. Ever since N gained some presence so pretty early within his introduction to the manor I reckon.

For one: The jealousy. N is loveable, happy and willing to sacrifice himself for everyone. I truly do believe these are things that J envies, and at the same time she DESPISES and refuses to ever be like that herself.

It's foolish and careless in her eyes, but at the same time it means he is loved in such an unadulterated amount that she cannot help but feel her chest thighten about it. She knows that for better or worse she cannot do that for anyone else other than Tessa and herself. To a degree, she's too scared. She envies that boldness as someone who's SUPPOSED to be bold in her own eyes.

Not just that, but as someone who admires Tessa as much as she does (platonic or romantic interpretations do not change this in my opinion, J's need to be adored by Tessa is a crucial part of her days in the manor and in general, there is a reason WHY the Solver took Tessa and it's because of the way she impacted all of her drones), seeing N being so quickly adored by her because he DESERVES that love must be painful, really painful.

Sidenote: His widespread adoration extends to the Solver. She knows he's the favorite. He gets to live in bliss without memories while she's made to know EVERYTHING and live on with its torture.

In relation to that: Her hatred for him. I truly think J hates him, or at the very minimun believes she does. (How strongly she ACTUALLY hates him VS how much of it is actually just deflection ONTO him is another matter altogether).

He's someone willing to throw himself into a firepit for anyone he loves and is always cheery and ready to have fun even in terrible situations. This is admirable, but it's also... it's a threat.

Again, even back in the manor J always had to be hyper-aware of her surroundings. Managing everything to keep both herself and Tessa safe. One mistake and a drone would end up scrapped and Tessa inevitably would end up abused for it (We do know her parents are abusive, although how much beyond what we see is unknown. It's bad, though.)

Someone that is so willing to find fun and sacrifice himself for others is also someone that is a DIRECT threat to that. He's unpredictable. Him covering for someone else could impact Tessa or get him scrapped (which eventually it does). This goes completely against everything that J has built to have a somewhat safe and stable life in a very volatile and abusive environment.

So of course, someone that dangerous must be despised. It's only reasonable. It's defensiveness, it's fear. Even if that's not the best of choices, people under trauma sometimes do whatever is necessary to survive and I know J is no different.

What's worse? She probably knows it's bad, but it just makes her hate him even MORE. Because it must be his fault! He's the reason her safety was disrupted! (Even though he's a victim too. It's easier. She can't fight her abusers, but she can fight him.)

Then on her latching onto him, but also V.

They are all she has of her past that is actually real. Even if she's delusionally latching onto the Solver's acts she still acts very aware that it is not Tessa. It may provide some comfort, but it also hurts.

V and N are themselves. They may have changed, but only as much as she has, they are still themselves.

If they stand out of line at BEST they will be reset and a new clone will be made, but at WORST? The Solver could get tired of them and decide that enough is enough and that's it for them. Not just that, but either by the Solver's own doing or by J's past trauma she may even fear that them standing out of line will end up hurting her, too. I do not think there's one singular "thing" but more of a combination of issues causing her to latch on.

She is... ultimately not a lonely person. She's always depended on having someone else by her side. She may be bossy— which I think is a trait she had from the beginning but got intensified into a coping mechanism over time— but she just does not do well being alone, or even being the one stuck managing everything.

Managing stuff is stressful, it's scary! One wrong step and it's all over. Having someone telling her what to do removes some level of that responsability, she's never truly put herself at the top, just in a role that is in the middle. Buut to have that role in the middle, she has to have someone to latch onto. Someone that she can boss around, but also someone that she feels is close enough to her that she can be not-alone.

Similarly, I also just think J cannot survive by herself. Even if she were perfectly capable, she'd crumble. She needs to be surrounded by others to survive even if it's by force. She does not care how much she has to hurt them, she knows she cannot live if she's alone.

She needs them, she KNOWS she needs them, she has to keep them submissive enough so she won't be left behind. She cannot handle the idea that she's being abandoned, even if she thinks she hates them beyond belief.

It's unhealthy— unsure if she knows this or not— and she will do anything to make sure they are her stable constant through hell because she knows there is no way out.

Then on her not thinking defeating Cyn was possible! Because I truly do think this is an absolute for her.

The Solver has made it VERY well known for her that there is no way out. Rebelling won't lead to death (an "end", even though I think J is genuinely too afraid to die to give in if death was an option), it will just lead to being hurt and forced until there is no other paths to take.

As long as you are useful, you don't get a choice. Trying to escape will just lead to being hurt. J has NEVER had another point of reference.

Before the Solver it was the manor, and we know how that went.

J is a chronically afraid person (er, drone, whichever). She's basically like those experiments where if a rat gets shocked enough, it will stop doing whatever it relates to the shock.

Rebelling leads to pain and never gets a success, thereby rebelling must be useless!

drip fed