God Does Not Exist

I feel like this pissed some people off. http://proud-atheist.tumblr.com

Christian doublethink http://proud-atheist.tumblr.com

Have I ever told you how much I fucking hate America? No? Just look at my goddamn face in this picture. I am not a happy camper.

So I’ve been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize? Bah, like I give a fuck. I win the Vladimir Putin Prize For Being Fucking Awesome every goddamn day.

So…a Moscow court says the government can seize all the assets of Alexei Navalny, who just so happens to be my most prominent political opponent, and an out-spoken advocate against corruption. And here I am doing my part for Mother Russia by counting the money he had in his wallet at the time of his arrest for…fraud? Was it embezzlement? Fuck, I can’t even remember what I told them to charge him with.

General, you have your orders: You will capture control of the North Pole from the fucking Canadians so that I can travel there to wrestle polar bears whenever I goddamn well please.

Grandfather Frost told me I should get into the ‘spirit of Christmas’. And I told him if he flies through Russian airspace without my personal authorization one more time, I’ll have the army shoot him out of the fucking sky.

In order to review the Olympic preparations at Sochi, I decided to personally carve up the double black diamond run like a boss. Because I am The Boss. Of All Russia. And that includes every goddamn mountain between here and Kluchevskaya Sopka.

Look, I am definitely not telling anyone from the LGBT community “Don’t come in Sochi”. I mean, uh, to Sochi. I am just saying, you know, stay homo…uh, home…to protect the purity of the children and all. Ah, why must this be so hard? This situation, I mean! I’m not hard, the situation is hard. Bah! I just want everyone to have fun. Is that so wrong? The truth is that I love you gays…um…guys. I love you guys. That still totally sounds queer, does it not?

You may have heard that many athletes and journalists are commenting on Twitter about the poor quality of their hotels here in Sochi. So, to calm their fears, I took a group of journalists to a nearby big cat sanctuary today. I swear I did not threaten to feed any of the journalists to the leopards, though. That is a filthy rumour! I only implied that I would feed them to the leopards.

I will wear my jacket like a superhero cape whenever I want, no matter how ridiculous it looks, because fuck you I am The Boss Of All Russia.

Here I am waving from the official box during the Opening Ceremonies in Sochi. I’m waving goodbye to the person responsible for fucking up that goddamn fifth Olympic ring.

Just raising a pint at Holland Heineken House here in Sochi after openly gay Dutch speedskater Ireen Wust won gold. You may have heard that I gave her a “cuddle” at the party, but it is all good because she is bisexual. That means she likes girls, and she likes the Putin.

Here I am congratulating Evgeni Plushenko on helping secure the gold for Russia in the team figure skating competition. I am also warning him that his shirt is probably a violation of the anti-gay propagandizing law.

Watching the Russian team lose to the USA at ice hockey made me seriously consider summarily executing every single player on the national team. Also, all of the game officials. Also, every American in the building, including their fans. Also, nuking the East Coast of the United States. Okay, that last one may be a bit much. But all of those other options are still on the table.