Peds is Hardcore

her eyebrows perked up slightly at the mention of something that she wasn’t expecting to hear come out of the blonde’s lips at the moment.  “wait,  wait,  what’s the good news?”  of course,  it was terrifying that she wouldn’t have been able to have the children that had come out of a pure miracle,  as far as she was concerned.  that miracle must have been the thing to keep them still around after she’d been down  ––  that and the fact that they had worked so hard to keep the blood pumping through her body.  april had a lot to be thankful for at the moment and she was.  she squeezed arizona’s hand.  “i’m glad too.  i really didn’t want to have to miss out on seeing harriet grow up.  she’s going to be so beautiful.  she already is.”

      it was true, amelia knew it but that didn’t mean it stung less to hear it. all she could do was simply nod for a moment. I love you’s weren’t easy for her, far from it, yet her mouth opened a second later, words spilling out with ease. “I love you so much, arizona.” leaning but just slightly she pressed a kiss the other womans cheek  hearing the words come from someone elses mouth made her understand the good deed she’d done. that didn’t fix it of course, but it made her feel the slightest bit better if that were possible. a nod and amelia reached for the gift on the table, slowly unwrapping just because she liked to be careful. jewellery of some kind, she was sure, and as she lifted the lid, she was proved right, the necklace in the small box gleaming up at her. “wow.. it’s so beautiful.” grin falling on her face for the first time that day, she  didn’t take her eyes off the small box in her hand. “I love it.”

          there was no doubt in jj’s mind who was standing in front of her, but the reality of the situation was finally starting to really dawn on her. she might know who the woman is, but clearly the same can’t be said for the woman in question. jj nodded slowly, realizing that she needs to go about this a lot more delicately than she had previously been. “yeah…. i— sure. that’d be nice.” she’s reeling, so she can’t imagine how arizona is feeling. and she’s overwhelmed, but in the good way. because while it may not be ideal circumstances, arizona is alive. and that’s more than jj has let herself hope for in a long time.

“you said your name is pheonix?” it feels foreign when it rolls off her tongue, but she can make it work if she needs to. it’s her turn to hold a hand out, ready for that kind of interaction now that she’s started to get a handle on the situation. “jennifer. i’m…. your cousin.”

        “okay....cool. There’s this nice little cafe just across the road if you wanted to go there? they’ve got nice drinks and food if you were hungry too.” phoenix remarked softly as she looked around the busy streets to those that were going to places, whether it be work or just to see friends, either way, it was still busy.  at the blonde’s reiteration of her name, phoenix nodded her head softly “yes..after a phoenix rising up from the ashes because they thought I was dead.” she commented softly as she reached out to shake the other’s hand.

i feel like it could work out. they both had their time apart and had new love and found who they were again without one another. sometimes people need that, especially after arizona lost her leg and she cheated, etc. it was good for them and them finding their way back to one another after so long could be a good thing. i’m just sad we don’t get to see it.

    how they’d gotten from the island to the table was beyond amelia. though as she seemed to zone back in, wiping at her eyes with ease she couldn’t help but lean into the blondes touch. “i could’ve.. saved him. i still knew the recovery position.. i don’t even know if i was totally asleep. i’m so stupid.” the fact that she somehow seemed to hurt from losing ryan was little embarrassing. she probably wouldn’t have even been with him past getting clean, they hardly knew each other. shoulders lifted at her girlfriends slight praise and amelia shook her head. “i sort’ve wish i would’ve just held him.. instead of making the choice. he couldn’t breathe and i just let them take him away..” a sniffle though there were no tears left to cry she sighed softly. god, she felt bad – it wasn’t that she didn’t want what the blonde wanted. it was that she terrified. “maybe one day.. I’m just not ready.” admittance was quiet and she forced a small smile.  “so, what’d sof get me?”

     eyes rolled playfully and the brunette sighed playfully. “yeah, it sucks, wanna switch specialties? i really like the small ones better, they at least don’t have to be told to quit smoking before a procedure and they don’t spit profanities at me after.”  a nod in arizona’s direction, not that she’d say anything but she’d heard the man bitch on more than one occasion about having to learn the procedure but she’d simply rolled her eyes not knowing that the doctor he was working with was her wife. “baby, it’s gonna be fine. it’s not like he’s gonna he’s gonna kill the kid, just talk to him before hand.” amelia spoke gently, a soft laugh escaping. it seemed like it’d almost be easier for one of them to not have a job for a while. “i wish it were that simple.”

    slight sigh of relief escaped at the promise of a few hours. not usually did amelia take naps, she didn’t see the point. but with arizona here it was like all of her exhaustion hit her at once since she would be able to sleep well.  the words that leave her wives lips cause her to grin, cheeks heating up just as she parked the car. it wasn’t even a moment before arizona’s lips were on hers and amelia was kissing her back with just as much energy, quiet groan escaping as the other woman pulled away. “mhm.. i’ll set something up with them, don’t worry. did you  kiss me like that because you wanna go to dinner with the ratpack?”

     “I forgot how much of a trickster you are because you’re hi freaking larious. because there’s no way in hell it’d give up my working on tiny humans to work on adults. I mean, I work on brains myself but only on tiny humans, never old people who spit profanities, no thank you, you at least could give it back, I’m far too polite for that.” arizona chuckled softly from where she was sitting in the car before letting out a groan as she looked up at the roof of the car “yes I know and I will give him a talking to, he’s going to get a bloody stern talking to like he’s a five year old who has done naughty and is being sent to the naughty corner.” with a faint huff, arizona crossed her arms across her chest, it really would be easier if they were together.

   eyes teasingly rolled but the brunette couldn’t wipe the grin from her face. “I bet, you can’t.” a sigh of relief seemed to fall into the air and she teasingly smirked at her wife after climbing in the car. “you have to get more daring like the rest of us, we’ve all purposely murdered at least one old man at work,” teasing words fell into the air as she turned down the radio because quite frankly she didn’t think she could concentrate on her  wife, driving and background noise. “please, can you blame him? he’s like 105, he probably used to operate with sticks and stones or something. maybe charlotte will fire him.” doubtful for some reason her blonde friend really found the man endearing but he was simply kind of an asshole, if amelia was being honest with herself.

     pulling from the parking lot, the brunette furrowed her brows in teasing disbelief. “I doubt ittttt,” sing-songy words fell into the air and she grinned again. it was practically impossible to not when she was this happy. a laugh escaped and amelia shook her head, glancing over at the other woman, “fine, maybe only a few hours then, hm?” thank god it was the middle of the day because the roads weren’t all that busy. it’d really only take a few minutes to get to the house and for that she was thankful. eyes moved to meet her wives gaze for a moment. “well, thanks for coming back for me babe.”

    “that might be so my love but between you and me, there’s a slight difference. I don’t work with old men, I get cute adorable, occasionally nice smelling tiny humans..never old men.” arizona chuckled faintly as she shifted in the carseat so she was half leaning against the door and half facing her wife, that way she was comfortable and could still talk to the brunette “Yes but no, no because of his age but yes because he’s the head of a the department, I go out of my way to learn the surgery skills needed for a different surgery, or go out of my way in general to learn the new surgery..or maybe that’s just me.” she always was an over preparer, but she had to be. she wasn’t about to put a tiny human’s life in danger all because she hadn’t bothered to study the case or the skills required. “Maybe she will fire him or he’ll retire, that way we can finally be together.”

        did amelia realize how hard she was clinging to her girlfriend? not even close but she hadn’t told this story to anyone, not in depth anyway. not since she’d told james and even he didn’t know the entire story. arizona’s words of comfort caused an actual sob to escape her lips and she heaved a breath doing her best to her best to make it stop. she had to shepherds didn’t crack but here she was, she was positive that she hadn’t broken this much in such a long time. “i wanted four kids.. well, really three but ryan convinced me four was better ‘cause there wouldn’t be a single lonely one and we were so excited but.. we just had to finish the drugs, i just had to, i asked him not to flush them.. and so, he said we could,” a shuttering breath before she pulled back to wipe her eyes. “I was so high that.. I guess I passed out. he aspirated on his own vomit and i woke up to a dead body. after that.. i went to rehab to get clean. i was pregnant.. and i didn’t know, i thought it was just the withdrawal.. but i took a pregnancy test. and it came out positive.. i wasn’t going to keep the baby, but i don’t know, i had to for ryan.  when i told addison, she took me to get an ultrasound, and the second i knew it was a boy.. god, i was so happy.. until i wasn’t. i carried him to term, and spent some time with him and then they took him away and i don’t think i’ll ever feel better. my heart’s so full but so empty at the same time.” swallowing the lump in her throat, she frowned at the blondes words. “i’m so sorry, arizona. oh my god.” but the question fell and sympathy was gone, back straightening, a shake of her head following. “no. i don’t want a baby. ” harsh but before she could think of her words, the ones she didn’t want to speak fell.

           smirk settled against features and amelia practically bounced in spot at the thought but instead she simply rolled her eyes. a normal weekend with her wife was all she really cared about in all honesty. with whatever they did, she didn’t care. All she cared was that they were finally together after months. “fantastic, can’t wait.” a wink and the brunette simply shook her head in almost disbelief. this was all so surreal, she was supposed to go to seattle in a couple weeks so this really was a surprise. “you could accidentally stab him with a scalpel, no one would ever know. you’d totally get his job.”  teasing words fell but amelia knew she’d do almost anything to live with her wife full time again, minus murder of course. shoulders lifted before she slammed her locker and glanced at the blonde. “he’s actually pretty good, it’ll be fine.”

        an eye roll though it was teasing and amelia shook her head as she swung their hands back and fourth. “sometimes i think you love those kids more than me,” teasing pout on her lips and she nodded her head in agreement. it was true last time the brunette had been in seattle, she’d met more of arizona’s friends, and they’d gone out a bunch but sleeping, and just sleeping had been her favourite part. nightmares that she had about her dad disappeared when she was with the other and sleeping a full night seemed to be all that happened. “ good thing i.. the house is close then ‘cause i really wanna sleep for the rest of my life.” it wasn’t long before they were in the parking lot and amelia was pressing start on her keys, flashing her wife a soft smile as she walked toward the drivers side of her car.

    “Oh I’m sure you can’t...because I know I can’t.” with a smile, arizona nodded. she really was glad she decided to come here, sure, she loved spending time with her wife whenever and however much she could, maybe this surgery would change charlotte’s mind and she’d offer her the head of peds? eh, a girl could dream after all. “I could accidentally stab him with a scalpel but it’d know, I’m so not that type of person...as much as I want the head of peds, I wouldn’t harm someone just to get it.” the blonde remarked softly as she ran her fingers through her hair, smiling as she watched her wife close the door to her locker “he might be good but you’d think, someone like he who has been in the business longer than me would have done a surgery like this before but noooooo.”

   a quick sniffle and amelia rolled her eyes – thank god she wasn’t facing the blonde. she was never okay, but that was far from the point. “i’m.. good,” would her baby boy want her to be sad? probably not, but she couldn’t help herself. as soon as she replayed arizona’s words in her head the fact that sofia got her a gift was enough to make her cry but she sucked in a breath instead and swallowed the lump in her throat. facing arizona she gripped the island, her knuckles practically going white  as she did her best to keep herself upward. “It’s not that, arizona. god – that’s really sweet. don’t return it.” eyes cast downward she scuffed her socked foot onto the tile with a shake of her head. was she really about to do this? her last relationship had ended because she couldn’t be honest, so apparently she was. “it’s – i had a son. he’s dead, he died. um, i.. he was alive for forty-three minutes. i got to hold him.. and kiss him and then he started going into respiratory distress because he had anencephaly, and then i told him his father was waiting for him, so he wouldn’t be alone.. and then i gave him to the.. team so he could donate his organs. he saved so many babies, but i hate this day.” eyes were burning with tears but she didn’t let them fall, she couldn’t because sofia would be back soon but she didn’t let that stop her, continued before the other woman could get a word in. “i’m so jealous, you know? of you, of meredith, of april, even of catherine. my son would be six, the day after tomorrow, and he probably would’ve made me a silly card in kindergarten with writing i couldn’t even read but i’d cherish it forever.” At that point the tears started but she wouldn’t, couldn’t look up.