this world is only gonna break your heart

I’m sure some of you woke up this morning looking like fresh hell. It’s okay, that’s a sign of a good time. I got my drinks on… thank you Morgan for the choice in servers. Got my dance on, thank you again Morgan. Lastly, thank you Lydia for letting me make your party better by granting myself access to it. Remember to load up on that aspirin and get yourself a burger before attempting to go out today. I’m sure you’re still in your costumes from last night anyways with all your shame documented for all. Thank you.

Did you just thank them...for yourself?

INSTAGRAM: @KITSTAGRAM HAS UPLOADED A NEW PHOTO!

Hey, I’m onto you, Kit Kat, or should I say...Tom Riddle? (Just letting you know, there should definitely be some dramatic music played right here. I’d suggest pulling some up on YouTube for the best effect, sister.) I don’t have to worry about any terrifyingly drunken frolicking if I just don’t drink in the first place, so there we go, problem solved. I’m still going to text her about it, I don’t think I can live with this guilt for much longer, plus her reaction will probably be the best thing since sliced bread.

Well, crap. Guess I have to go and find somewhere else to dwell with my snakey friend. (I’ll just play some Hans Zimmer soundtracks right now). Whoa, whoa, whoa. You not drinking at a party? What the Hell kind of baby crap is that? Oh, God. Don’t mention that I said anything, okay? I haven’t been around in a few years and she’s still harping on me about Thanksgiving last year. But please send me the replies so that I can have something to laugh about over coffee sometime.

Oh Gods, don’t actively look for them! You’ll regret it and there’s no bleach strong enough for your eyes - or brain - to remove the sights. Shhh, don’t take the wonder out of it. Uh-huh, sure, sure. Just admit it. You’re a Oncer. There’s only a little shame. Not a clue, as I still don’t have Netflix and more than likely never will. So you’re definitely not with the uh, sliding a finger across a monitor to turn the page crowd? It means I’m more scared of… the unknown. Like, that lurch in your stomach before you jump off the diving board or plummet on a roller coaster. After that initial feeling, it’s all bliss. I don’t wanna watch it…

Uh-uh. Now you have to tell me because I’ve already gone through the trouble of trying to Google it. Like Hell I’m going to admit that. I’ll put it on my tombstone before you’ll hear it pass these pillow lips of mine...or see it typed. Whatever. Likely never will?! What’s up with that? Hell no. Sliding a finger on a screen just reminds me of bad Tinder matches and Fruit Ninja and neither of those are memories I want to relive. So. Which part are you in right now? The jumping or the bliss? Fine. 

I think it has something to do with the Doctor Who fandom. Although add an ‘L’ into the mix and Oncers becomes… a dark, dark path I will not speak of, lest the imps carry me way into the night. Well, liquor is quicker, isn’t it? Aha! You record it, that proves your Oncer-ness without a doubt. Yep. I’ll admit the first season was a little slow-paced as well, but once it gets going, it’s worth the look-see. Which is a shame, because books will never go out of style. Ah ah, now, don’t knock it so quickly - there’s this one audio reading of The Tell-Tale Heart by Matthew GG. and I absolutely adore it. Most people don’t appreciate the art, though. I’m scared, but, in a good way… A thrilling way. Eh, debatable.

I’ve been trying to put the ‘L’ into different places on that word and I can’t find the dark path that you’re talking about, which I think I should be way more thankful for than disappointed. Liquor gets you sicker. I only record it for rainy days! It’s a good show to wash dishes to, I don’t know. Anyway, the point is that it barely pasts my test, but it...does. Huh. Is it on Netflix? Oh, I’m knocking it. I’m sure that there are some great audio systems and it’s a super great idea for those who don’t have 20/20 sight or can’t read at all, but for my privileged self I would rather sit down with a book in my hand than listen to some guy’s raspy timbre tickle my eardrums. A thrilling way. I guess that’s better than making you want to pee your pants, or something. In what way?

Oh, pardon me, I had forgotten you’d split your soul into seven pieces and scattered them about the globe in cryptically meaningful items in order to potentially live for ever and fulfill your goal of taking over the universe. When it comes to partying next year, I’ll be there to ensure you and your friends stay relatively safe while frolicking around drunk. Also, oops, I thought I’d come clean about the pinata incident at some point…I guess I have a very unusual text for mom coming up soon. 

Who knew that Katherine Wilde can be an anagram for Voldemort, right? Crazy. Look at you playing the role of brother to a tee. Who’s going to keep you safe while you frolic? Oh, God. She probably won’t remember what you’re talking about because the hole is definitely covered by some sort of picture by now.

Yes, yes it is, and it’s a proud title to wear! In certain parts of the fandom, gotta be tricky where you step in that fustercluck. But you do watch it every time a new episode comes out, right? ‘Cause that’s the basic qualification. Ugh, yet another show we disagree on. Have you tried out Secrets and Lies? It’s a largely underused word, so I’m giving it the attention it sorely deserves! If that makes me a nerd, so be it. Exactamundo, m’lady. Common misconceptions like this could be avoided if people would just read the actual book. I feel exceptionally brave around you, so yes, I’d say I am. Damn.

Why would they call themselves Oncers and not Timers? The second one is an actual thing. Cheese and rice, fustercluck? Are you Willy Wonka? ...Fine, yes. I do. Or, I try to. Sometimes I have to catch it the next day off of my DVR. Is that the one that comes on right after it? I’ve seen previews, but I’m usually yawning and I’ve checked out already. It does make you a nerd, but at least you’re attentive. People don’t read books anymore, PC. I’ve been watching quite a few YouTube videos lately and at least 75% of them have a sponsorship with that Audible crap that reads books aloud to you, but everyone knows that people just do those as background noise and not as an actual story. Brave? That’s a first. Most people are scared around me. Good damn?

That is true.

PRIVATE:

And they do, but it is still unavoidable in some cases. I know, that was sarcasm. It doesn’t really translate well over the internet, does it?

I guess so. Isn’t soccer that sport for men where they get tagged and go down like a sack of potatoes and cry about flicks on the shoulder? I’ve never seen the female teams get all uppity about little tags, but the guys have crazy hissy fits. No, it doesn’t. Then again, I’m not a big fan of internet lingo/emoji usage, anyway, so a lot of my convos end up misunderstood.

No, I wish I got paid to give speeches. Not sure if that would be motivational what I just said. And you aren’t dumpy. Is everything okay?

I think that anyone would appreciate hearing that they’re not pathetic. Of course. Everything is fine. Why wouldn’t it be? Just...feeling my butt slowly sag into a pancake is kind of getting me down, so. Don’t worry about it, though. I’m...working on it.

Well what are your top choices? Maybe I can help pick out something for you! Thanks, I’d consider it a winning day too!

They change every day. I think that I’m just going to boof out my hair and get a pant-suit, talk about how happy balloons make me, and call it a Clinton occasion because at this point I’m almost giving up. Did you ever decide on yours?

But with the sport I play we sorta expect to go to the doctor’s with some sort of injury or possible injury. Ah, congrats on your 27 years of victory.

Again, I would be hoping that I don’t end up at the doctors since my trainers should be teaching me how to avoid injury rather than expect it. ...The Golden Spud was a joke, I don’t actually have those.

That’s exactly why I did it, everyone knows visions of plastic couches and the elderly are good for the soul. I’m looking out for you, sis. Thank you for the birthday wishes and for your information, I am the king, the queen, and the prince of party. Remember that one time I hit the pinata so hard it dented that wall at the house? I don’t think mom ever did fix that, to be completely honest. 

Good for the soul or good for the soulless? You need glasses, bro. Fine, fine. I guess you were sort of missed, or something. How can I get super tanked and become irrationally scared that our parents will find out when you’re not there to relive those moments with me? Don’t even start with me on that. Mother thought that it was one of my “football friends” and went into a frenzy and gave me pamphlets on testosterone to hand out at the next practice.

Hyde was taken from us far too young, if you ask me. Also, I had zero inkling that you were a Oncer - this is such joyous news, because now I can totally ramble on about it without feeling bad that you won’t understand any of what I’m saying. What, this head? I’m literally the most humble, wouldn’t dream of changing that. Fun fact: In the original Jekyll and Hyde, the good doctor was actually the larger of the pair. Usually people tend to forget that. Or I can make sure that both of us are equally as satisfactory. Hey c'mon, I’m just… a tad rusty, is all. Movie theater popcorn. That’s my term.

A what? Oh, God...is that one of those names that they give to fans? I’ll stop you right there, I’m not, like...devoted to it. I watch it because some of the guys are super hunky and Regina is a total badass, but that’s about it. Also because some of my other shows ended last year and so I’m in the process of getting some new ones to fill the void in between seasons of The Bachelor(ette). Also, who the Hell says “joyous”, you’re such a nerd. Really? Is that kind of the same wavelength when people say that Frankenstein is the giant lug of flesh instead of the actual doctor? If you’re up to the challenge, then maybe. Consider it done.