Poetry Is Alive

welcome, you can call me maddy. I write poetry because… well it’s cheaper than therapy. hope you enjoy, feel free to message me abt ideas, prompts, etc. I may post some poems abt potentially triggering subjects, so just a heads up. I will put trigger warnings on the individual posts.

I haven't really posted about my sexuality on this blog, but recently I've done some soul searching and figured out more about who I am. Who I've always been. I've always known I was bisexual. It took me until I was 14 to actually be able to say the word bisexual out loud due to the internalized homophobia from being raised in an ultra-conservative, Baptist family.

So yeah, tragic queer kid backstory lol. And yes, I did take the BuzzFeed "am I gay" quiz at least twice. I think growing up the way I did, in the environment that I did, it always brought me a bit of comfort that I could in some way be "straight passing". Especially since I would never be white passing while living in a town filled with predominately privileged white republicans.

My first exposure to sex was nonconsensual with an adult man when I was very young. To say this affected the way I viewed sexuality, and intimacy would be an understatement. My first consensual sexual experience was with a girl in a mental hospital and led to me being outed at 15 to my parents. I've never to this day had a sit down, in person conversation about my sexual orientation with either of my parents and I doubt I ever will.

My therapist at the mental hospital sat me down in her office and gave me an ultimatum. Either I would come out to my mom or she would out me to my mom. Either way it was going to happen. So two months after my 15th birthday, I while actively crying and hyperventilating, told my mother, "Mom, I like boys, but I like girls too." And she said, "Well you know the Bible says that's a sin, but I guess I still love you." Then we literally never talked about it again.

As long as I wasn't actively being, doing, or saying anything queer in my day to day life, my identity, who I was as a person, was ignored and swept under the rug. I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers anymore, or go to friends houses, or even be alone with my younger siblings. Because in their minds being queer automatically makes you a predator, despite the fact my father literally groomed me for the majority of my childhood. But yeah, we didn't talk about it.

I've always said I didn't want to get married or have kids, but recently I realized that maybe I do. I just don't want to marry a man, have his babies, and have to wake up beside him for the rest of my life. I realized that when I wake up beside her, and kiss her goodbye, and cook with her, and listen to her talk about her day, that maybe I do want a wedding. Complete with cheesy vows and bridesmaids. Maybe I do want kids with her eyes and my sense of humor. Maybe I do want to spend the rest of my life waking up beside her.

I know I'm attracted to men. I've slept with men and enjoyed it from a purely physical standpoint, and I mean have you seen heated rivalry. However, I have never and will never be able to have romantic feelings for a cis man. So yeah, I'm bisexual, but I am not biromantic.

And Lisa told Dean

Dean told Tyler

And the volleyball team

Gracie’s the captain

And sits by Ava in study hall

Ava was whispering about it

In the bathroom

While I was sitting in a stall

Apparently Aaron started the rumor

That Bella gave him head

When they ditched third period

In the equipment shed

He put it on his story

That she’s kind of a slut

Just another dumb bitch

Who was fun for a month

Apparently she’s easy

And not nearly as pretty

As that other bitch

Jessica Finley

I found all of this out

In the second floor bathroom

Between fourth and fifth period

At first I wasn’t really taking it serious

I didn’t think a rumor

About a girl I barely knew

Would lead to her becoming

The most hated girl in our school

It started out slow

A note taped to her locker

Whispers of whore, skank, bitch

But it kept getting worse

Until even I couldn’t ignore it

Words in permanent marker

In every bathroom stall

Stares and whispers

Whenever she walked down the hall

People who I consider my friends

Liking comments on posts

That said that Bella’d be better off unalive

I wonder how does someone

Wake up one day and decide

I wish I could erase the essence of his skin from my body. But i still search for his sent in his hoodie that I can’t bring myself to wash let alone throw away. I want to forget the magic I felt when his lips first touched mine. Because now I know every promise his lips whispered were promises he never intended to keep.

I carry a piece of us everywhere I go. But instead of us it’s just me. Broken in half because he was my everything. I search for meaning between the sheets but find nothing but my own bleeding heart. I found that just because you’re under someone new doesn’t mean you’re over the person you thought you’d grow old with.

I can’t seem to function the same as before. My life is split between before him and after. I see everything in a different light. The sun still shines but now it reminds me that I’ll never watch another sunset with him. And the earth keeps spinning but if tomorrow the world was ending it would end for us separately.

I know I deserve better than a man who can’t recognize perfection when it falls willingly into his arms. But I planned our life together on a Pinterest board. Complete with a white dress and picket fence. He was the place I felt the safest and now he’s just another blocked number.

I am perfectly comfortable writing poetry about those who have caused me pain. But even contemplating confessing the all encompassing entirety of my feelings for you leaves my hands shaking. The words I LOVE YOU are on the tip of my tongue, held captive by my fear of letting anyone near my fragile heart.

Darling, you are kind, gentle, and open. Everything I wish I could be. How do I convince myself I am enough for you. That you don’t deserve to love someone with less baggage than me. I want to be the one for you. To hold you and help you through all of life’s ups and downs.

Darling, the world is brighter when I am with you. Your arms are the only ones I want to hold me at the end of an impossible week. Being yours, loving you, is like winning the lottery every damn day. I never want this to end. Any distance from you feels like isolation. I never want to have to exist without you. Being me is more fun when I can be myself with you.

(tw: depression, ptsd, mentions of addiction, general mental health)

I play music constantly to drown out the voices in my head. I’m scared of silence, of stillness, of letting myself spiral. I live my life in denial. Afraid of being real. Terrified to relive trauma, of letting myself feel.

I dissociate through life in order to survive. I play games of never ending hide and seek. Hiding from my own emotions. I was taught that crying made you weak. So I’ll lock it all up and swallow the key.

I won’t let anyone in. In fact I locked myself out. I am distant. Detached from my own consciousness. Careful to put on a brave face. I’m not allowed to be broken or have bad days.

Rehab was supposed to fix me. I shouldn’t still struggle with thoughts of addiction or depression. I censor my thoughts, my words, my writing to fit the narrative of healing.

Everything is supposed to be better now. We don’t have you scheduled for another breakdown. Can we put a pause on this and revisit when it’s more convenient? I feel like you’re just trying to get attention. Stop with the dramatics. I thought we moved past this. 

I don’t even have the energy to argue. I wish you could walk a mile in my shoes but I don’t think they would fit you. I try to talk to you, but when I speak you hear something other than my words. I can’t express how much this hurts. This mind of mine, it’s a curse. Condemning me to never feeling like I’m enough.

I wear perfectionism like cheap perfume. Desperate to hide the truth. Expectations taunt me like a pack of schoolyard bullies. A highlight reel of my failures plays on repeat, whenever I try to close my eyes and drift to sleep. I am so tired of pretending to be anything other than myself. I matter. Not just my mental health.

I can’t stand to stay down any longer. I will rise, bruised and scarred. Authentic and raw. Unafraid to flaunt my flaws. I am me. I refuse to be ashamed of being human. You can hate me, shame me, berate me. But there is nothing you can call me that I haven’t called myself.

I grew up being told I was lazy, a liar, who would end up alone. My skin is thick. Go ahead and throw your stones. Nothing gets through. I know my own reality. I accept it. I don’t need you to define me.

There are 8 billion people on earth, but you will always be the one. I’ll be your whole world, if you’ll be my shining sun.

I am drawn to you like gravity. I didn’t fall for you, I jumped. Whenever I feel low, you take my heart, and lift it up.

Your strong arms surround me and make me feel secure. I know you’ll be there for me no matter where I turn.

When I see you I can’t help but smile. You make me dance, and blush, and laugh like a child.

You are by far my favorite person. No one else could ever compare, to the gentle way you love me, and brush away my hair.

This poem is a promise to never ever let you go. I will love you forever, through every high and every low.

I’ll hold your hands when you’re shaking. Look in to your eyes when you’re crying. I’ll wipe away your tears and love away your pain.

You’re curled up in bed. You say you’re broken. I’ll paint this room neon, open every window, and chase away the darkness.

You say you’re drowning, but for you I’ll drain the ocean. Give you CPR until you can breathe on your own.

You say you’re tired of trying. I’ll carry you when your legs give out. Climb this mountain for you. Show you kindness when all you’ve know is pain.

I’ll keep my promises always. Never let you down. You say I would be better off alone. But no matter what, you are who I choose.

We built this place from spare bricks and ashes.

I blocked out your fears like rose colored glasses. 

My sweet nothings became your everything.

Kisses so sweet you could almost ignore the distance

My indifference would be your undoing.

I always told you words were cheap.

Was it worth it to taste my love.

Just for me to leave

I exist far beyond these sanctioned walls.

Intangible as the wind under an eagle’s wings.

But still you couldn’t help but make me your everything.

The ruins we left behind still reek of smoke.

I warned you so many times.

That you would be better off alone.

You didn’t even stop to consider all you could lose

you condemned us to be demolished 

As soon as you u said I love you

You made me a villain, a bitch, a goddamned home wrecker

You built this place just to turn around 

And hand me a sledgehammer

Now you stand alone in the ashes

Blood dripping down to the ground

From invisible gashes

Your eyes empty except for your tears

I sold you safety

We all have guardian angels

but I think mine might have died.

I dance with the devil

and laugh when I lie.

I bat my fake lashes

and smirk crimson smiles.

I stay up past midnight

and dance like I’m wild.

I kiss like a daydream

and flirt from afar.

I’ll drive you plumb crazy

and might key your car.

You were a moth

sucked in by my light.

I’m a temptress by day

and a poet by night.

If there ever was an angel

down here guarding me.

They probably begged God

Growing up I was constantly told by my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins that I had so much potential. That my intelligence, talent, and beauty was a gift that I should never take for granted. I excelled in school and sports not because I wanted to be good, but because I needed to be the best. Otherwise I felt like a failure. There were so many people rooting for me and believing in me, how could I not push myself harder, do one more extra curricular. Overachieving became my identity. But then I got sick. Depression set in…

and suddenly I could barely get out of bed, brush my teeth, or take a shower. I went from straight A’s and honor roll to getting expelled from high school because I couldn’t bring myself to get up and go to class.

I’m tryin my hardest to keep on breathing

Tryin my hardest to make it through

I swear I’ll cherish every moment

Cause it’s the only thing I’ve got left of you

Everyone on earth is dying

But only some people are ever truly alive

I keep on chasing phantoms

I know they’re fake but I gotta try

No one understands me

I don’t really understand myself

Maybe we’re all fakers

Maybe we’re all crying out for help

I guess we’re all different 

But deep down all the same

All trying to convince ourselves it’s worth it

Trying not to go insane

Life is one hell of a journey

One with a beginning, a middle, and an end

Everybody’s a player