my fault? a poem addressed to my Mum
you say it was all my fault. little do you know how much that breaks me inside and will keep repeating until I’ve cried an ocean, that still won’t be enough.
it hurts how little you care and don’t acknowledge how my brain works, how different we truly are. you don’t see how depression will rule my brain and twist scenarios into the cruelest outcomes. then saying I could’ve changed it but thanks to how I exist, just existing makes me a burden to everyone. then there’s anxiety, that will haunt me with what if’s and create storms of worry. you think I can control it but frankly I’m surprised I’ve survived this long.
you think I’m acting like a teenager, who still has phases of moody, stropy but some of the things you do without thinking of others, make me so mad. I’m left wondering did you even know? how much I’m suffering? or are you falling for my fake smile? I just need a warm hug to tell me everything’s gonna be okay and I did all I could. do you remember when I cried because the doctor just confirmed to you my diagnosis of depression? and I was finally making sense for the way my brain works, I thought it’d all get easier after that, and I wasn’t going mad. all this time, I felt like a bruise that wouldn’t fade, marked by brutal force, stuck in the same place that has too many sad memories of those now passed. I still miss them so.
mark my words, I’m either fighting hard or holding on by an invisible string. I just need something stronger to keep me steady, stop the tears from falling, stop the rosiness around my eyes, that show I’m breaking inside. someone to tell me “it’s gonna be okay, you can do it.” ‘cause I almost know I can’t. the blame is killing me inside. but he was already a goner before I could save him. I need to stop blaming myself.
dailybridgerton
jbbartram-illu
snowghoul
