i dreamed of you

VERONICA   MARS S02E16

he's  visibly  confused,  brows  pushed  together  as  he  attempts  to  hide  it  with  a  forced  laugh  and  another  sip  of  his  beer.  "  i  just  thought  i'd  say  hi?  "  he  offers,  not  really  having  a  decent  explanation  to  why  he  had  only  gathered  enough  courage  to  approach  her  now.  "  you  looked  lonely  "  great,  what  a  way  to  make  things  worse.  "  i  just  mean,  you  were  standing  alone  "

she feels a thousand times more embarrassed than she had before. cheeks dusted a light shade of pink, and she's silently willing them not to turn bright red. " oh ! — right. sorry. i just, um, " pauses only so a nervous laugh can bubble up, almost about to tuck her hair behind her ear when she realizes that will only draw more attention to her blushing cheeks. her hand drops a little to quickly, and she wishes the ground would swallow her whole. her voice softens. " i'm not lonely. " quiet tone doesn't sound at all convincing. because she is lonely, has been for almost all of her life. " the girls i came with for some reason find it amusing to try and set me up with people, so i thought maybe they had sent you over here. "

doesn't know if she made things better or worse by telling him the truth , waiting for him to say something -- anything , but when he remains quiet , her heart skips a beat . fingertips drag down his chest , feeling where his heart was to make sure it still moved for her . the only time she's ever been vulnerable was with him . anyone else and she wouldn't have bothered . yet the thought of hurting him , hurt her . she nods her head , brows pinched . “very bad .” they probably would have crossed the line or she would have passed out . that much was certain and it made her queasy , knowing she could have ruined everything tonight under false pretenses . but it was never going to be easy dealing with her when her demons were always there , taunting her . begging her to relapse . to get high and forget the voices screaming at her . "it won't happen again ," another lie , but she'll try . that's the most she could do , unwilling to put herself in the same position to nearly lose him again . arms wrap around his neck , placing her mouth to the corner of his chin , looking at him as he begins walking with her in his arms . "will you stay with me ?"

it won't happen again. he can't even bring himself to laugh at the line he knows is a lie. wonders if any part of her actually believes it. after all, how many times had his mother said the same thing, only to be getting in the same states over a decade later ? addiction was a terrible thing, and a person had to want to be clean for themselves. it made him feel . . . helpless. " don't lie to me, b. everything else is what it is, just don't lie to me. " if this was going to work despite the chaos, there had to be trust. he opens the door to his childhood bedroom using his elbow, using his foot to crank it wider until they're inside. it's as cold as he used to be, and still mostly is except when it comes to her. " yes. i'll stay. just get some rest. " he insists as he places her down on the bed, pulls the covers over her frame to get her warm. he lays beside her, jaw still tense, mind still spinning. but she's safe. he'd found her in time. right now, that's all that matters. " sleep. "

holds  his  gaze  for  way  longer  than  she  probably  should  because yes ,  she'd  much  rather  he  be  sitting  around  in  his  house  instead  of  sleeping  with  some  random  girls.  "  it's  not  been that  long,  so  i  guess  your  sitting  around  lasted  barely  two  weeks.  doesn't  sound  that miserable  to  me  "  in  fact,  she's  a  bit  bummed  to  sit  on  the  information  that  he  has  already  moved  on  from  thinking  about  them  while  she's  still  doing.  except  she'll  choose  getting  buried  under  work  over  sinking  in  her  bed  crying  any  day  —  must  be  why  she  can  never  get  over anything .  "  it's  not  my  place  to  want  anything  from  you,  you've  made  that very  clear  "  nails  tap  against  her  knees  as  she  presses  them  together,  stopping  them  from  bouncing  and  showing  just  how  nervous  this  conversation  is  making  her.  "  you  said  i  was  ashamed  of  you  because  i  wasn't  bringing  you  around  for work  events  "  very  frequent  events,  but  what  would  she  do?  denying  offers  wasn't  an  option  as  a  starting  public  relations  person.  "  whatever,  like  you  said,  it  was  a  blessing  in  disguise  for  you.  you  get  to  fuck  bitches  or whatever  now  "

he's quiet for a few moments too long, and he desperately wants to keep up the act, pretend he's completely unaffected, like their time together meant nothing to him. but it's not true. he exhales through his nose, leans back like that will somehow put enough space between him that he can disconnect from it all. but the pull lingers. his true feelings for her still sitting on the surface, threatening to push him under. " yeah. " he nods, but the smirk on his face falters, tone carrying more mock towards himself than it does any kind of genuine amusement. " it's been one big party. me, jumping from one bed to the next. " the idea of it alone provokes a low chuckle, only this time it sounds like he might choke on it. he wishes he could move on that quickly, but he can't. " there's been one, " he admits, and he can feel the lump forming in his throat as he looks at her, ready to be painfully honest. " it was quick. meaningless. i left the second it was over, sat in my car for an hour trying not to throw up. " he'd wanted to get her out of his mind, but in the end, all he'd done was remind himself it would never feel the same with anyone else. fingers tap against the couch rapidly, leg threatening to bounce with nerves. he hates to be so open, so vulnerable. " i just said all that shit to get a rise out of you — pathetic, i know. but i figured if you seemed jealous, even just a little, it might mean that you miss me. " his gaze drops. " i'm not surprised that you don't. honestly, i wouldn't miss me much, either. " no one would, his conscience echoes. no one would.

"how much does she usually need ?" could probably figure it out on her own . at least a two thousand dollar allowance every week should be enough to cover rent and food , gaze softening when he admits it's his mother in the photo . "are you close with her ?" can see by the small smile on his face that he is , sharing a minuscule simper as she looks at the frame again , running her fingertips along the image before dropping her hand back down to her side . she was close to her mother , too , for the most part . ensuring she was safe and sound , protecting her from the secrets her father held and the pain he'd cause if she knew of his infidelity led to a pregnancy by another woman . the same woman she thought was a long gone from the picture ( or at the very least in denial about it ) . knows if she found out , she'd relapse . swallowing , she watches as he makes space between them . allowing him the advantage as he maneuvers into the other room , "oh , so you're bossy . don't worry , i can take direction ." eyebrow raises , smirking as she laughs a little , turning on the heel of her bare feet as she starts her journey to his bathroom . "aye aye , captain ," salutes playfully , closing the door behind her and stripping of her wet clothes . when the warmth of the water hits her body , tatum appreciates the comfort , letting it consume her for a moment longer than she usually would before shutting it off and dressing herself in his clothing , folding her discarded ensemble . brings it with her and sets it next to her bag and phone , finding him in the kitchen after . "so what's on the menu tonight , chef ?"

" couple hundred. " says it casually, never minded parting with it. he grew up with nothing, and had come to desire nothing. his car was the only extravagant thing about him, and that had been adapted using his own to hands. " everything i do is for her. " figures that answers the question. his mother is his purpose. the reason he is who he is, and the one that gave him the big heart he tried to keep concealed. " not bossy, just . . . particular. " she disappears into the bathroom and he begins food prep, soaking some rice in water, browning chicken in the skillett. it relaxes him, just a little. cooking always has. the one thing he and his mother had always done together. but he's still thinking about her. about tatum. trying not to let his mind wander as he hears the shower running. when he eventually hears the door unlock, there's a slight jump in his chest that he can't quite explain, and chooses to ignore. glances up to see her approaching, wearing his comfiest of clothes. gaze lingers just a beat too long. can't remember the last time a girl was in his clothes — if ever. " spanish chicken and chorizo rice. " a subtle smile graces his features as he reaches for the knife and chopping board, places it down in front of her. " how are your chopping skills ? " he moves to grab green peppers and and onion. " considering you threatened to chop my balls off, i'm assuming they must be decent. " angel teases, coming from behind when he places the vegetables down in front of her. he's careful not to get too close. knows the closer he gets, the stronger the pull. and it already feels too strong.