In search of my light..

How do you fall out of love with someone whose very existence was devoted to worshiping the ground you walked on?

I don’t belong here, I belong to a foreign state, sloppy roads and clean fair/ a town where tress blossoms/ every step I meet a food, convenient corner/ foreign face and language that stirs my heart/ nobody knows and few do/ I would sit with new faces and laugh my heart out/ they’d admire my intellect and agree with my gods/ a letter I’d write to my family “I feel seen, mama!”/ my heart aches for somewhere I’ve never ever been/ a home I’d never be able to see/ I would not sit in my home, waiting/ would make plans just too see me/ id walk down the riverside/ waving to the shiniest sunsets/ if talking about it make me feel home/ I don’t belong here, I belong to a foreign state.

And what would you call it? I’ve never made an impact on people’s life, if I ever to leave from the lives of my known, they would hold the door open, offering me a sympathetic smile as I leave. No coffee mugs alongside mine, no one to cheer on my greatest days no shoulders to find on my greyest days and What if there’s no one to mourns me? What if no one knows about my sojourns?

A dreamscape of affair/ the surreal light of sun reflecting on hands and you close it with gentle warmth/ sweet morning caress with hearty words/ embrace as long as they could go on/ sharing music while reading my fav lines from the book I adore/ flowers and baskets of surprises/ calls of assurance and adornment any time of the day/ soothing harmonies over the tech/ visiting the place I’d work for and making the day/ hands in hands going to the fav spot for coffee sips/ driving me crazy of such fervour I’d weep/ no resentment or sudden abandonment to be held/ apart from the heaven and health a dreamscape of affair.

I’d like to hold your hands/ walking, stumbling and then laughing our way to the lake/ I’d like to watch the golden hues turn your brown orbs amber/ so alluring I almost jumped in/ I’d like to know what you did at work/ something that you joked about and something that boiled your blood/ I’d like be close to you/ warmth beaming in our eyes/ I’d like to know what you want to eat for dinner/ we’d make it together over the songs you love/ I’d like you to watch my favourites tragic romance/ while I hold you tight before I weep/ I’d like to talk about us with you/ to know if you are willing to have two dogs and a cat with birds and fish/ I’d like to know what type of house you want/ so that I can think about the garden as well/ I’d like to keep our hands close, matching the rhythm/ to see if your heart beats the same as mine/ I’d like to know so many things/ to be proud of to be loved

one cannot hurt you again and again, while not feeling an ounce of pain.

I look in the mirror and it haunts me, a lifeless body just drowning in the ocean. She laughs on my destiny, quips, “you’re going to die a horrible death, lone and stranded!” The words ring in my mind, again and again, but wherever I look, I only see my shadows, as if all my vilifiers are celebrating. A floater friend, a floater namesake, a floater daughter, I’ve been a concept in each part, and my heart fear, will I ever be an epochal? Will I ever be something to be loved proudly, will I ever be someone, somewhere to be feverishly cared about? The answer sounds like her voice, “you’re going to die a horrible death, lone and stranded.”

And I wish you were here, I wish I wouldn’t have to murder my dignity for the sake of being enough.

Reddit is the most weird app in history

My hands and yours, intertwined together, is a truth. I’d no longer want to be apart.

But what if I told you my heart is in the hands of the softest heart. The one who held it with all the love there could be

And I want you in my last rites. I want you there as everyone silently weeps for my soul. I want you there a little disheveled. I want you to bury me with your own hands. I want you there with all the love you never gave words. And I want you there with the whiskey you loved when it brought me alive, every night.