conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 2
*Damian and Jason, four hours into a stakeout*
Damian: Jay, hand me the mango pieces.
Jason: *plastic crinkling* ayyy, Iâm Jason again!
Jason: what was with that, by the way? I just showed up in Gotham and found you referring to everyone like theyâre your professor. Like, thatâs not a âyouâ thing, I donât know why you started doing that.
Damian: do you want the genuine honest answer?
Jason: please god do tell
Damian: so- and you arenât allowed to laugh. but when I first came to Gotham and I showed up at the manor, father obviously had to give me a tour of the place, right?
Damian: and they wanted to do a DNA test to check that my mother wasnât pulling a fast one by claiming my birthright, so the first place he showed me was the cave, which was also where Tim was.
Damian: and you know that place- the first time you went to the cave, it was wild, right?
Jason: oh, like walking into the tardis for the first time. insane.
Damian: exactly. all high-tech and shit, and Iâd just come from the desert compound Iâd spent my entire life in- like, my first time going into the kitchen at the manor I saw Alfred loading the dishwasher and my first thought was âoh my god what the fuck kind of machine is that-â
Damian: -so the fucking cave for the first time? as a little desert-boy ten year old? I was a little distracted,
Jason, chuckling slightly: ok, fair,
Damian: and so Iâm zoned the fuck out, looking around this cave and not paying attention to anything fatherâs saying, and then I finally tune back in just to hear the words â-ackson drakeâ while he like, tries to introduce me to Tim.
Jason: *slowly starts laughing again*
Damian, raising his voice to be heard over Jasonâs increasing beats of laughter: -and so Iâm fucking standing there, ten years old, no clue what this kidâs first name is, and everybodyâs looking at me like Iâm supposed to be the one fucking talking right now, and ALL I can think of is my mother, who before she shipped me off to Gotham completely alone kept fucking telling me âDamian you have to be strong and show that you deserve to be the Batmanâs blood son. show no weakness and take the mantle you were born to have; show no fucking hesitance.â, so IâM panicking,
Jason, still cackling: *a clap* NO I DO- I DO REMEMBER, LIKE, BACK IN THE LEAGUE-, holy shit back in the league when your only coping mechanism for not knowing the fuck was going on around you, was literally just to pretend you knew what the fuck was going on around you and bullshit till you make it,
Damian: WELL IT WAS LIKE THE ONLY FUCKING THING MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME-
Jason, through tears: -thatâs why I didnât say shit when I came back to Gotham and found you fucking, doing all this blood son bullshit! You started calling me Todd and speaking in old english and I was just like âbless him heâs terrified, just leave him beâ
Damian: *cackles* and I did- I did appreciate you going along with it, because back when this happened I panicked and just started calling Tim âDrakeâ because I was too embarrassed to ask him for his first name, and then by the time I heard somebody else call him Tim in passing, everybody had just assumed this was a thing I did. and I was too socially awkward to clear it up and switch back, so I just had to stick to Drake.
Jason: *wheeze* a-and Grayson?
Damian: well at first I just went along with the surname thing out of awkwardness, but then Iâd gone too deep and I had no way out- AND THEN- and then Batman fucking died-
Damian: -and I went from being parented by the gymnastics version of the dark lord to being gentle-parented by fucking Nightwing-
Jason, choking: holy- holy shit-
Damian: do you know what itâs like to go from *gruff voice* âDamian we donât fucking kill, give me the katana or Iâll put you in Arkhamâ to *high pitched, sweet voice* âoh hey Dames, obviously I canât stop you from killing but I really would appreciate it if we discussed all our options and came to a mature decision together on whatâs best in this scenario-â
Jason: *crying, silent wheezes*
Damian: so DURING all this Iâm trying to subtly switch back to using peoples actual names, except it fucking backfired because people just assumed I was calling Richard Richard because we had that special parental mentor bond, and Tim had pissed off to- whatever he was doing in the desert for six months- getting a hysterectomy or whatever the fuck happened-
Jason, amused: hysterectomy- he lost a spleen, Dames
Damian: well whatever happened he wasnât AROUND for me to shift to calling him Tim! and when father was back Iâd made no progress and was back to square one, except this time I was stuck calling one brother Richard and the other Drake!
Jason, still laughing: and this is where I came in?
Damian: I felt BAD! Iâd already taken Robin from the guy, I didnât want him to feel like he was lesser of a brother to me than Richard. So I demoted you to Todd so he wouldnât feel alone.
Jason: we should probably get you a therapist, dude. I think everybody forgets that when you showed up you were literally just a very confused immigrant child with no experience of normal social interaction apart from me at the league.
Damian: oh I was like, 60% into an anxiety attack consistently for the first two years I was in the city.
Damian: the first time I was left alone with Tim we were in the kitchen and he said âdo you want wifi?â and, yâno, coming from the league, barely any tech and the only normality was the concept of fighting to the death over everything, MY instinctual ten-year-old thought was âoh shit, wifi must be slang for brawl here, weâre about to fightâ-
Jason: *laughter* youâre fucking kidding
Damian: -so Iâm like, so be it, and I say âcome on thenâ and get ready to start punching, only for him to turn around and grab a piece of card stuck to the fridge and hold it out to me,
Damian: and he goes âhereâs the password so you can connect, Iâm assuming you have a phone or somethingâ-which I fucking didnât by the way, my mother gave me a shitty flip-phone to call her in emergencies but it didnât use wifi-, and heâs holding it out to me and I had to like, subtly shift my posture out of the defensive position Iâd been in-,
Jason, delirious from laughter: this is the fucking best. thing.
Damian: -and I take it from him, and he gives me this weird look like he has no idea how to communicate with me, and I was just like âshit I might have to kill this one, itâs the only way to get out of this interactionâ.
Jason: *wheeze* if we go through the timeline, every murder attempt on Timâs life has just been an occasion where youâve felt socially awkward and didnât see any other way out of conversation,
Damian: pretty much, yeah. I should have been on xanax for those first few years.
Jason: stories from your first years in Gotham are my favourite thing in the world.
Tim: are you telling me Iâve been stuck as Drake for YEARS all because Damianâs fucking scared of social interaction?!
Damian: OH MY GOD I FORGOT WE WERE CONNECTED TO THE MAIN LINE-
