Heartbreak is a funny thing. You know, one day I can’t even bear to get out of bed to face everything that lies before me throughout the day. But the next day I feel powerful and strong and like I can face anything the world throws at me. And then the day after that, I’m back to feeling weak again. The kind of weak that can’t live without you. The kind of weak that makes my bones ache and my heart drop to my stomach.
They say that you shouldn’t be so dependent on your partner because it isn’t healthy. But that isn’t the case here. Sure, I depend on him for certain things. But I know without a doubt that I’m capable of living my life and being successful without him. I know my worth. I know I’m beautiful, kind, smart, sweet, and loving. I know that he literally cannot get any better than me because no one can love him the way that I do. So my confusion with myself is, what is holding me back from leaving him? Is it because I know we’re both still in love and it feels worth fixing? Or because I can’t stand to give up the past 3 years of my life? Maybe a little of both.
Part of me feels that I deserve a fresh start. I deserve someone who I can trust from the very beginning, someone who never makes me question that trust. The other part of me says love is worth fighting for, no matter the circumstances. But what if I can’t even forgive him? What if my anger turns to resentment? I’m so lost. I’m so horribly lost. I want my life back.
After 2 years of being broken up with my ex, I have come to the realization that he was abusing me. I have also realized that we were ridiculously co dependent. I wanted to look back on these posts, because I had a conversation with my current boyfriend about something that was bothering me, something very small, and I was having anxiety attacks over talking to him about it. I realized it stems from the abuse I suffered in my past relationship. It’s honestly terrifying to read this post and see how blinded I was by this person. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t leave him because he literally wouldn’t LET me. He would not ALLOW me to leave. If you haven’t experienced this, it’s impossible to understand what I mean by that. I hope you never have to understand. If you are in a relationship that you feel like you CAN’T leave.....please please, for the love of god, please take a step back and figure out why you feel trapped. Chances are, you’re being manipulated. Please know you are not alone
I should also add, I am now with someone who loves me well, someone who talks to me with respect, someone I trust 100% and never have to question his motives or walk on eggshells around him. I love love again. I love myself and relationships again and I am healing slowly but surely from the abuse.
