excel?

listen to: lovers, anna of the north

practically, you've known caitlyn for your whole life and never once have you ever doubted your friendship with her, up until 10th grade where you started questioning your sexuality. you did feel something for girls but at the same time it wasn't just any girl, it was caitlyn. since she felt comfortable with you, you two would always initiate physical contact by randomly intertwining your fingers together, her laying on your shoulder or you putting your arm around her.

when you realised your feelings for her, those gestures slowly started feeling awkward to you. it would feel as if there was a huge lump in your throat whenever caitlyn is near you, not that you've ever minded. you were just concerned over the fact that she'd distance herself from you if she ever found out about your feelings towards her. she was always supportive, constantly accompanying you while you search up "am i gay" quizzes online, listening to your rants about your crushes.

ever since then, you decided to write a love letter for caitlyn because you were set on moving on from her and locking your feelings away to avoid any complications. the letter was kept in a black square shaped box with a lock on it, with the intention of keeping it safe from everyone. especially her.

the time on your laptop is currently 12:57am, the shining blue and green screen reflected on your glasses. caitlyn was fidgeting with the hem of your shirt while resting her chin on your shoulder and observing the essay you were typing out. the sounds of keyboard clicking and soft music playing in the background filled the room. the lighting was dim since she decided to leave only the night light on and have the tv play some sitcom.

"you can sleep if you want to, i can finish this up downstairs" you said with your eyes still focused on your last minute assignment. "this is fine, i enjoy your company" a small smile flickered on her face. you hummed as a response, enjoying the comfortable silence between the both of you.

after a couple minutes of more brainstorming and typing, you finally completed your assignment and clicked the "submit" button after rechecking it twice. you turned your laptop off and set it to the side, then returning to your original position with caitlyn. now, even more comfortable with her hugging your arm and decided to focus on the current sitcom playing, "brooklyn nine nine"

"jake and amy are so cute, their slowburn story is absolutely perfect" you shuffled in your position, allowing caitlyn to lean into you even closer. "if you were to be in a relationship at the moment, who would you be? jake or amy?" her soft voice disrupting your focus from the screen. "not sure, depends on who i'm in a relationship with" you shrugged. "if it was with me, who would you be?" her question nearly made you choke on your saliva. you were stammering, unsure of the perfect response to the said question. "maybe jake? i don't know" there it goes again, the lump in your throat building up.

"are you alright?" she was concerned after seeing your reaction. "yeah yeah i'm okay, just a little parched. i'm okay now" you thanked the gods above for the darkness that covered your red cheeks. caitlyn's mouth formed into a small "o" shape and nodded. "do you want some water? i could-" her sentence was cut off with a quick no from you.

your actions were quite strange to her, she's never seen you this way. not even when you were around your "crushes", her worries faded as she felt your thumb rubbing small circles on the back of her hand. her eyelids started feeling heavier and slowly she drifted to sleep unconciously.

you exhaled softly after she fell asleep, not wanting to wake her up. her question from earlier kept on repeating in your head and you clenched your jaw whenever you felt a slight pang in your heart. you slowly removed caitlyn's arms from yours and rested her head on her soft pillow. after doing so, you got up from the bed and grabbed your sling bag that was leaning against the wall of her bedroom. it was dark so you relied on your touch senses to search for an item, it was the box. the one that had a love letter for caitlyn.

you unlocked the box and opened it, lifting the brown envelope with your fingers. it had the words "for my beloved" written on it, you used your index finger to brush against it. you had left the letter beside caitlyn where she was sleeping, you assumed that she wouldn't give you a good reaction. after cursing yourself internally, you zipped your bag up and put on your jacket. you left the room and quickly rushed downstairs while trying to reach for the car keys in your right pocket.

"leaving so late? don't you want to spend the night?" you were met with cassandra sipping a cup of tea with her husband on the couch. "sorry ma'am, i just figured it'd be better if i let caitlyn get some rest" you gave her an awkward smile and rubbed the back of your neck. "that's nice of you to care for her well-being, i noticed that she's more reserved around you and i never worry when she's spending time with you" her mother was nice which made your heart sank even deeper.

"thank you for the compliment, i'll come back tomorrow if that's alright?" she and her husband nodded in agreement as you walked towards the door and waved them goodbye.

the rays of sunlight shined through the curtains of her window, causing her to slowly wake from her slumber. "g'morning" her voice was groggy and raspy from waking up, she put her hand out since she couldn't see clearly. but she could only feel a thin, flat material on her bed. "hey?" the absence of your presence surprised her. before she could reach for her phone, the envelope was pressed against her albow which intrigued her. she stopped her movements and decided to open it.

"dear caitlyn, i'm aware that our friendship is extremely precious to both me and you. however, there's something i must confess which might ruin the bond between us but i can't keep it to myself for anytime longer. i've developed feelings for you, i can't help but admit this to you. this has been going on for years, i'd like to apologise for the lies and fake rants about my 'crushes'. maybe it is a mistake to write this letter but i'd hate myself if i were to see you happy with someone else without being honest about my feelings to you. whatever happens between us, i want you to know that you'll always have a special spot to me. no matter who i choose to date, i'll always catch a glimpse of you in their eyes and sense your presence when they're around. that will haunt me eternally, i'm certain.

my heart was once and always will be yours. i love you, caitlyn kiramman.

love,