Untitled

im stupid and gay and in love and i gotta cut that shit out right now before i call the police on myself for yearning and thinking about holding hands, and kissing, and cuddling, and having picnics and writing cute letters that make person happy and playing with hair before i lose my MIND!

hes had to do that for too long

as for the current delay in it? the person and i.. weve uhm.. we hung out last night kinda (online, dont worry about the virus) but juts.. it was so so nice.. ive missed hanging out with my best friend haha, idk if they feel the same way but... it was so so nice..... like god they’re the funniest person alive???? and the most beautiful and i keep on having stupid thoughts but.... i just talk to them and feel like oh this is how i want life to be forever, i dont want a moment without this, if its just an enternity of this moment? id be happy. like of course its more important to me that theyre happy, and whats good for them is really important too and im.. for all of me thats really happy right now theres a part of me that is worried that this isnt good for them. i think its.. okay so far. because its just like 2 friends hanging out and doing friend stuff and just for fun but.. if things start getting... familiar i guess, i just... i dont want to put them back into old cycles... not again, not ever. and i also dont want to ruin this.. escape? from everything thats happening in the world right now? but their feelings are so important and im not sure if theyd want to talk to me about how they feel, hence email is kinda a “ you dont have to respond to this if you dont want to” kinda thing safjdkfjewjkwfhnojwefuwenjfwe anxiety but thats another discussion. but yeah so im.. im trying to be conscoius of whether this is good for them and trying to still be objective in this, i.. i just hope that theyre doing ok, that theyre ok with this... they seemed to have a nice evening tonight haha that was really good, and we played club penguin together haha so its.. haha its nice getting to know them, that side of them? i gotta ask so many more questions about club penguin... but!!! thats a problem for tomorrow, for tonight?? it is 1am and i need to sleep haha

njernfdasfef sorry im just rambling about this haha im so happy, im just... haha quarentine who????? jeez louise ok, very happy, gotta be chill before tomorrrow, for now imma write out the thingy

Talking to people is weird too like... you might have so much you want to say and want to talk about but you dont know... how much they want to hear. thats a weird way of putting it, not that they wouldnt care or just want to ignore your feelings but more... how much more messy would it be to tell you. would it hurt you? if i started talking about real stuff? i dont want to hutr you anymore. ive already hurt enough. but i dont know.. where we are vis a vie how much you want to hear anymore. were talking... about stuff but... do you want to //talk//? haha maybe i should just mail you my journal entries that’d be dramatic but listen im gay and listened to the twilight soundtrack as a kid, need i say more? but just.... jfdlkjnaerdfgijnaigjenj my fear of doing something wrong and being paralysed by it is also still doing something wrong!!! but what if my actions are wrong too. I want to be vulnerable, i want to talk about how you are, whats been really happening in your life, how are you feeling, how am i feeling, how i know you were right and ive been thinking and i want to apolosigse and i want to... play mario. i want to hear your laugh and see your smile and... now im repeating my journal entry haha, it was a lot of.. missing. and unsureness and... wanting to talk but... they dont owe you this. but i owe them to talk to them... i think... i might try. even just.. an email or something. just... something. its not fair of me not to. they deserve me being vulnerable around them

i dont deserve to sleep