indignity of reaction

I’ve been feeling like no one understands. Like everyone sees through me and yet they don’t care. It is not their fault, it is purely mine and the figments in my mind that only I can control. I have been feeling neglected and ignored by the world. Forgotten and empty without the motivation to even smile when I find a fart joke funny. There is no love where there was once love or joy where there was once joy. I feel a disassociation with what I feel and say because I say a lot yet feel nothing. I have been saying less and less. I keep my words short and entirely positive. I keep myself  in a corner and as small as possible so no one can see the ways in which my heart is turning blue or wilting from green to black. It’s hard to keep myself busy because I am busy enough trying to quiet the mess in my head. I am tired, I am lonely, I am exhausted, I am angry, I am furious, I am exasperated, I am in lack of breath, I am nothing, I feel nothing. What dies in me is me. Without dying on the outside I melt like a popsicle still in its wrapper succumbing under sweltering heat and saturated light. I am overwhelmed by feelings of emptiness, abandon, and self punishment and in trying to paddle away from this sea, I only find yet another storm. I try with books, I try with knowledge, I try with introspection, I try with connection, but everything is nothing. The bleakness does not cause me pain though. It is the fact that the bleakness did not exist before. It is the thought that there was once joy, beauty, and connection, and now I have lost it. It is my fault and I live trying to remember what it is I did that would fill this sea. Although I stare at myself and see brokenness, I  simultaneously see the full peace that stood there before. This breaks me even more.

breaks me to know I can’t break you