Make it a double.

ALEXANDER OVECHKIN IS FINALLY GOING TO THE STANLEY CUP FINALS IM CRYING SO HARD

seeing john mulaney posts tagged with “john mulaney spoilers” is the funniest fucking thing

john mulaney dies in infinity war

Imagine being a bear. No bills. You can scratch your back on a tree whenever you want. Seasonal weight gain is necessary. No judgement for sleeping 3 months at a time. It would be beary great.

Hey, do you know that feeling of hitching up a long skirt so you don’t fall on your face when walking upstairs, and then you immediately become a wretched yet resolute Jane Austen character? It’s a universal thing, right?

It’s like resting a laundry basket against your hip and suddenly you’re a long-suffering peasant woman, wondering if you’ll survive the winter.

“Sir, I can has fish?? Thank you, kind Sir!”

Only it’s not a weasel, it’s a mink (:

What you non-Russian people are probably missing is the expression literally meaning “busy sausage” in original… and “girlfriend”. 

#graceful hero banishes screaming demon (2018)

[puts far more meat than is reasonable into tortilla] [tortilla doesn’t fold fully or correctly] bullshit. what’s wrong with you. fuck you