✧.:°░ Don't Kill the Messanger

Finn was tentative to use the word friend to describe most people that he knew. It seemed like a commitment that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be tethered down too, and it described a level of familiarity where people began to ask things about each other. That wasn’t going to be something that he was okay with. So he left his relationships with people (well, except for Evie), without labels and without any stable attachments. Dot was really no exception; he’d hung out with her plenty by association because of his sister, and the two of them had gotten to talking and she wasn’t all that terrible after all. So, when she called him up, the option of going out and getting drunk seemed like a lot more fun than studying for his midterms. He could feel his signature smirk on its way to transforming into a smile, and took a large swig of his drink. “ ‘Guess s’a good thing you called,” he slurred in response.

Upon hearing her words, Gabriel stopped in his tracks on the way to the door. Why wasn’t she letting him go? God, he wanted to. But when she told him not to, he almost gave in straight away which showed just how weak he was. Shaking his head, Gabe turned to look at her, not even realising his anger was bubbling out slowly. “I-I can’t stay here.” He murmured, trying to regain that strength he had when he was just so angry, but his voice cracked and he sounded broken and in his opinion, pathetic. “You… You don’t understand. I can, and I will hurt you.” He breathed, tearing his gaze away from her to look at the wall instead. 

He flinched when he felt Dot’s touch, desperate to pull himself away but of course, he found himself leaning into her. He was just so weak around her all the time, and he couldn’t understand why. How had she managed to get him to calm down when it usually took himself hours to get him back to a normal state where he wasn’t seeing red everywhere. His hands were still shaking, but no longer from rage. “I’m scared, Dot. I can’t stay here and risk hurting you.” He mumbled dejectedly, but he still leaned down and pressed his forehead to hers, his eyes falling shut. “I don’t want to be like… I cant-” He had to cut himself off before he said something stupid.

Gabriel allowed himself a few moments with his forehead pressed against Dot’s before he pulled back, his body sagging back against the wall. Gone was the anger and now all he felt was complete exhaustion. “I’m sorry I yelled.” God, he was so embarrassed. He shouldn’t have even gone to hers in the first place after such a bad night. It wasn’t fair on her when he knew he’d had episodes like that in the past, but Gabriel honestly thought he was getting better. Being in college and having so many distractions was helping. But they obviously were only a distraction and not a cure, so when the bad stuff did happen, it hit him hard. 

Dear Lord have mercy on his soul. Take him into Heaven with open arms. He deserves better than what he was handed with. Dot recognizes that and only wishes the best for him. Maybe she wont be this perfect savior for him. Maybe she’ll only be a notch in his belt or a stepping stone to the perfect man he should be. She doesn’t really mind. She’s not bitter about someone and that’s amazing as it is. They’re broken people God must have stepped on in his path to creating a better future, but isn’t that everyone? Don’t most people hurt? Maybe they were just hurt more than most. 

“Yes you can,” She whispers, and there’s a small smile gracing her lips like the angels kissed her cheeks and whispered sweet hymns in her ears. She was blessed and he should be too. “I want you to stay, Gabriel. I’m a big girl, I can take it.” With his forehead pressed to her, eyelashes fluttered shut and her hands cupped his face. She’s never been so gentle and sweet with him, but how else was she to treat him in the moment. He was scared, and hearing that made her heart sink. She’d pray long and hard for him tonight. Hopefully he’ll stay. She wants him to stay.

“Fuck off, Dot.” He had to do it. Gabriel had to give her the chance to get out, and if she wasn’t willing to take that chance then he’d push her away himself. It was for her own well-being. They, along with Mattie, were never that serious anyway so it would be easy for him to push her out of his life just like he had done with many people before her. That’s what he told himself anyway, but he still felt an awful stab of guilt when he told her to fuck off. “Do you want to know what would make me feel better?” He questioned, turning suddenly to look at her, a dark look in his eyes. “If you stayed the fuck out of my business. God, you and Mattie are both the fuckin’ same.” He was really going for it now. Push her away. Push her away. “Both of you are so bored with your own fuckin’ lives that you just have to get involved in mine.”

There was a fifty-fifty chance that her words would work, and Dot was trying to brace herself if the bad would happen. Unfortunately, it did, but his blows were weak to her and she was un-phased. He was wrong and it wasn’t as though he would change that for her. Her and Mattie as the same? That was apple and oranges he was yelling about. But she stood there, arms by her side, and took in the words. She’s heard far worse. Has been told far worse. If this was all it was, she could take it--- she could take him. 

Standing slowly, he headed over to the television, surveying the choice of movies that Dot had. It took him a few minutes, just staring at all the different DVDs before he picked a random one, not really caring what it was. But when he opened it and saw that the DVD wasn’t in there, he carelessly chucked it on the ground. “For fuck sake, Dot!” He suddenly yelled, no longer able to keep his pent anger back. “Seriously?” God, he shouldn’t be doing this. He knew he shouldn’t. But the rational part of his brain had been taken over by blind rage. At least his angry self-conscious had the sense to walk out of the room and away from Dot before he really lost his shit. She hadn’t seen him this bad before. He’s been worse of course, but she didn’t need to know that. He wanted to keep this side and all of his baggage separate and he couldn’t even fucking do that. 

Clearly, not. As by his sudden burst of anger at the sight of no DV in it’s case. She was shocked, and that was clear on her face, looking up at him as he quickly ushered himself into the kitchen. So she follow? Go with? Maybe she let hi be. As much as she’s grown up with an angry family, she doesn’t kow how to deal with it. When her father got mad, she just went to her room where she brooded in her own teenage angst. This was someone she knew, someone she sort of cared about. A person she didn’t want to see get upset like he was. Though that’s what he’s used to, isn’t he? At this point, he’s dealt with so much bullshit his life, and Dot doesn’t want to be like everyone else. She’s always wanted to be different, but this is for Gabe’s sake. He deserves better for once. She wants to be better for his sake. 

It wasn’t rare for Gabriel to have a bad night. That’s why his therapist prescribed him a cocktail of drugs to take during the day and before bed. But sometimes they don’t even help. Sometimes he still has dreams, or night terrors as his therapist told him once he’d described them. Sometimes he’ll wake up with a gasp but be able to fall back to sleep after some deep breaths, a few more pills and a glass of water. But on rarer occasions, he’ll wake up with a scream, shaking and paralysed with fear for a good five minutes or so. He’ll then be so shaken up that no amount of pills could help him fall back to sleep and he’ll spend the rest of the night awake. 

That’s how he ended up at Dot’s. He’d had an awful night. His first one in weeks, actually. He thought he was making progress, and so did his therapist but she’ll be disappointed to know that he’s still just as fucked up as ever. Running on only a few hours of sleep and a fuck load of coffee, Gabe headed to Dot’s straight after his classes had finished. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he needed the company. He actually needed someone there, and that thought alone made him feel inferior and weak, but he always felt a little softer and found himself craving someone to be around him. He could have gone to Mattie’s, but she would have been loud and demanded to know why there were dark circles under his eyes, and why his hands shook when he thought no one would notice. He could have gone to Silas, maybe he should have, but there was just something about Dot’s calm demeanor that Gabriel needed right then. 

Spending the afternoon laying on the sofa with her, still catching up on Lost and sharing lazy kisses was exactly what he needed. He was still a little twitchy, startling every time there was a noise just a little too loud on the television, but laughing it off with forced, nervous laughter to try and hide it. Even though the afternoon was going so well, he couldn’t ignore the frustration growing inside of him. He knew that Dot hadn’t really seen him in such a bad way before and he just couldn’t get himself to calm down fully. His frustration was only making things worse. After he twitched at a loud bang coming from the show, he abruptly sat up and paused the television. “We should watch something else. This is boring now.” He muttered, a heavy frown setting on his brows. 

A heavy conversation weighed on Dot’s mind recently. Where her father had called her, telling her the answer to a question she had asked not long ago. About her boyfriend. She already got the information on Mattie since she was a little more eager to find out what he girlfriend has done in her life. Nothing too noteworthy or surprising. But what her father found out on Gabe, now that was something she’s been thinking about. All of it. From his dad, to his mom, to his therapists. God, he’s had so many. It’s one of the few times she’s heard her dad tell her to be careful. That he doesn’t want her to get hurt, like Gabe’s a threat to her. She still manages to talk to her father, he still cares even after all she’s done. Even after she butchered her own child. Her mother, on the other hand, that’s another story. She can’t face the women who named Dot’s baby, who bought her the clothes now most likely sitting on a Salvation Army rack, claiming a new family. She hasn’t spoken to her mother since the night the small life form inside her was ripped to shreds. 

But aside from the guilt of her own, she had been thinking about Gabe a lot. The poor man. She wasn’t scared of him. She wasn’t upset with the past he so clearly wanted to cover up. Who wouldn’t? Who wanted that sort of thing plastered across everyone’s face. No wonder he moved. She understood. While she couldn’t fully relate, Dot could wrap her head around the concept. She could only imagine but for Dot that was good enough. Of course she didn’t bring it up, but hanging around him made her think a lot about it. Looking up at his face while watching that dumb show she didn’t give two shits about, thinking of the damaged bones inside him caused by kin. Why she kissed him so gently so much. he was a soul damaged by the cruelties of the world. She didn’t want to fix him but she wanted him to know he wasn’t along in the dark world God had created.