Sometimes I forget that I am a person, and that I take pictures for fun and then I upload them to this site. And I've been doing that for 3 years now, I feel like so much has happened but nothing has changed at all. at least within myself I mean. like yes I have seen and been through many different things, at different places at certain times. looking back at those memories feels so strange. I can see myself and where I was, I didn't know that it was special then, but who I was and where I was even the insignificant moments, are times that I long for now. I realize now that this was one of my only ways to escape, to go out somewhere far away with my camera, to be alone and in my head with my music and my humming and my mumbling. I feel like when I am taking pictures, in the moments where I am trying to capture something beautiful, is when I feel the most in tune with myself and who I am. I am bad at talking about myself in conversation, about how I feel about whatever is going on in my life, but taking photos has been my way of expressing my emotions. These photos, this little ongoing "project" this hobby of mine, has become something like a diary to me, a place of confession. I realize now that I was always trying to say something through my photos whether I was purposeful of it or not, that I was lonely, that I was sad, that I was missing something, that I was happy, that I was changing, that I was loving, that I was at peace, that I was appreciative. And seeing those emotions those confessions in the form of photograph, land with other people, people on the internet with their own lives going on, is so so fulfilling to me. I can feel however I want to about myself, that I am stagnant in my life and that I have done nothing worth while. But here in this little corner, I can just be bodyigrewupwith. I am bodyigrewupwith and I create things that mean something to someone, that sometimes remind people of better times, of bad times too, and I reflect their emotions back to them and share it with them, holding it and experiencing it together but still completely separate at the same time, because we are different people and I don't know you and you don't know me, we have completely different lives but sometimes you make me feel so deeply understood and relieved in a way that I don't get from anywhere else in my life. and it makes me so happy that I can do the same thing for you too. I am just trying to say that I am grateful for anyone who has shown me kindness or connected or related to anything I have made. I cherish this place, this blog so much I really should tend to it with more care and intention. I am learning to not regret time, to not feel like I've wasted time, I will always learn something with the time spent anyways. Today I learned that I am someone worthwhile, and that creating is important to me and I should go deeper into it and commit, commit to my ideas and make them real instead of dwelling and worrying. Now that I've tended to my emotional and ideological side, I want to grow in ways that are more tangible too. I've learned that it's never good to stay in lala dream land for so long. I want to have achievements that I can hold and show, I never thought about what my life would look like in a year, never even thought about the future at all just always wallowing and sulking stuck in between the present and the past, always missing the past and last year, that time, oh do you remember when? yeah I miss that, that was nice. Now I can finally see a future for myself, I can picture who I am and what I will have done by next year, and instead of fear or dread, the possibility of change and growth makes me exited to live today and all of days approaching, makes me exited to live and work towards that place, that time, that person I will be next year.
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
origamiaround
