This Life I Call Mine

I got triggered last night, so some things are flooding in that I tried to block out of my mind. Certain parts are still blocked and randomly seep in, but my mom just pulled a memory out and it finally clicked on my ex's intention and I'm pissed off that I missed it. My ex used to say my parents just wanted to marry me off and get me out of their house. He repeated this multiple times a day for years. He was trying to create a divide and I didn't see it. It was so subtle. I feel stupid looking back, but who would think that in the moment.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I am a mom now to an amazing and healthy little boy. He is my heart. His dad and I love each other, and I am the happiest I have ever been. I did have to have an emergency c section, and he was born at 28 weeks, but we are both healthy now, and he is so advanced for his age.

Let's talk about something.... I want to be a mom more than anything. I want a partner that wants that too and last night my partner said that he was too old for another child. Since the beginning of our relationship I have asked that and it has always been I love my kids and I do want another. Before his ex didn't contribute monetary nor did she do a lot on general and I'm thinking that comment was because of that ..... but that is the major want that I want from a relationship. I had a pregnancy scare and it was a happy thing, but now I do not know what would happen if it does accidentally happen. I would take on the responsibility and help, but what if what he said was true? Am I okay with just being a step mom? I have no clue. I'm petrified with my spinal instability to carry a child, but I also dont want my back to take another life experience from me. Ugh. I need sometime to think...

Bringing up my past relationship is really getting annoying. I already feel stupid for that whole relationship, but my current boyfriend is trying to understand it. He keeps asking if a man has ever done various things for me, and honestly they haven't. He doesn't understand how I was going to get engaged to someone that treated me so badly. I keep telling him that it was a different me, because it was. I was manipulated over time to not trust my thoughts, my feelings, myself, and I doubted my abilities. I was beat down mentally to where it was what it was. I wasnt happy at all. I believed I loved him because he Isolated me. Once I stepped back and didn't recognize who I became, it was time to go. With my current boyfriend, I genuinely believe this is the first time I know what real love is. I had never seen a healthy relationship but now I do. We support eachother, help eachother, build eachother up, workout together, work together, and love everything about eachother.

I keep hoping yesterday was all just a bad dream...

I'm single again and I can't even figure where things went wrong. I still love him and I think he's the only ex I would take back, but I just don't know what happened. Monday when we woke up he asked if this is how it'd be if we got married with excitement and smiles, and now friday he is not ready for a relationship. I get it and I don't get it. I'm very hurt, very sad, and very confused.

So speed forward to now in my love life. I have never been treated so well and I can't explain how I feel around him. I feel empowered and 100% myself. I'm falling so hard for him. I met his exwife and got to enjoy time with his children. We had a huge nerf battle and the oldest taught me how to play clue. I truly enjoyed the time I got to spend with the kids. It made me feel like part of the family. Honestly, I love B so much. I have spent almost every day with this man for a month and it has been amazing. I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Whelp fuck dating lasted until last Wednesday. I asked a man if he'd go to an event with me and he did. We ended up talking all night and not participating, but he slow danced with me at the end to no music. We ended up kissing. Saturday we went to dinner and a movie, we met hours before the movie to just walk around and talk. It amazing. He was so nervous and so was I. He's a bit older than me, but honestly I do not care. Sunday he took me to a friend's Superbowl party and he made sure I had everything I needed there. His friends talked him up and honestly, I can tell. I feel so lucky with him. Fast forward a day to Valentine’s Day, I had the most amazing day. We had messaged back and forth, and I agreed to stop by on the way to the gym. I never made it to the gym. When I walked in this man was nervously preparing dinner for me, and it smelt amazing! I came in and I was greeted with a kiss . He told me that he wanted to celebrate Valentine’s Day and take care of his woman. This man cooked and made sure I was taken care of which is something that no one has ever done. I offered to do dishes and he refused to let me help. He said in the future, we could split responsibilities,but right now it was Valentine’s Day. I brought a card even though we said no gifts. He didn't get upset and yell like someone else did. He just simply pointed out that we said that and accepted with a big smile. He gave me a massage and I massged him as well. He gets that a relationship is all about caring for eachother. It is very strange, refreshing, and honestly I'm excited to see where things go.