We Really Out Here

King

Huge Flex on New Yorkers, old people, and Islanders everywhere

sometimes i forget that bart is canonically a telepath

HES A WHAT

Nothing triggers visceral rage within me quite like Tumblr’s clunky attempts at being cute and quirky. It’s like one of those overly upbeat soccer moms.

this is the most realistic queer dialogue ive ever seen

Important context: they’re married to each other.

What a damn mood

i think the best thing about gen z is their dedication to self care and by this i mean when john mulaney performed at a college and he took a sip of water the crowd would start applauding and someone yelled at him “hydrate before you die-drate” therefor confusing an already confused man even more

she's been carrying youtube on her back for a decade she fucking deserves several naps

me when i see a cat: CAT! cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat

Fun fact: when I see cute animals, I forget English and automatically revert to my native Hungarian. I don’t know what bystanders make of me, reciting guttural gibberish to rabbits.

But the real question is, what are you SAYING to the rabbits? Is it ‘RABBIT! rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit bunny bunny bunny awww cute bunnyyyyy’?

Well, I usually say the Hungarian equivalent of ‘bun bun bun lil bun look at your tiny spoon-shaped ears awww bun brave little lawnmower bun’, but sometimes I say ‘hey rabbits, my sister’s gonna go to med school’ because I think everyone should know.

I live in Japan, and I always revert to English to talk to small animals, and I was cooing at this tiny little fluff machine of a puppy in baby english like “hello you’re so cute such a cute hello hello yess you’re good” and the 70 year old Japanese lady that was walking him started to *translate the baby talk english into Japanese* for her pup. She wanted to be sure he understood it too.

ACCURATE.

I was at a pet store with Eileen. A woman walked up to us and asked if she could pet her. Eileen’s collar has ‘Deaf Dog’ embroidered on it. The lady asked about it, I confirmed, yes, she’s deaf. The lady immediately switched to American Sign Language and asked her how was her day, was she being a good girl, she’s so pretty. Eileen is wagging her tail excitedly, knowing that someone is talking to her.

As you die, you wake up in a fiery place. You quickly realize you’re in hell. You ask the next demon why you are there, as you lived a very good life. “You’re not being punished”, he says. “You are the punishment.”

You honk in joy. It’s a lovely morning in Hell, and you are a horrible goose.