Don't Drink This

Appletini... Oh, I know what you're thinking, "What does this person have against an appletini? What did it ever do to deserve this dislike?" Well, let's start with IT'S NOT A MARTINI!!! If one starts with a regular, unflavored, vodka, that's the closest it comes to being a martini. That being cleared up, it's a starter adult young adult beverage. It's one step up from a juice box in that it has alcohol in it. Unless i'm watching an episode of this show with this guy at a bar, this drink has no place in a glass. Off with you, it's almost Halloween, you need to get your costume ready. While you're doing that, enjoy a refreshing Corpse Reviver, the perfect cocktail for this time of year. 

I'm truly worried for society. 

Use that in your next sour and be prepared to actually enjoy the drink.

This is what it looks like: Pre-packaged shots of inebriating beverages. Shall I state the obvious? They already existed, we call them nips. So this somehow elevates them? Dude, buy a damned flask and civilize your shot of whatever.

Skinny Girl margarita. While I have nothing against the "Real Housewives" franchise and those trying to live a healthier lifestyle generally, this skinny girl crap has to stop. Sure, it's only 100 calories per 4 oz. serving, but it also uses agave nectar which, in moderation, is fine. In large amounts, agave nectar can negatively impact your liver. Add to that the fact that you're drinking alcohol, and the scales just might tip back in favor of an actual drink. Not to mention it's 12.4 percent alcohol, making it almost 25 proof, and you might find yourself finishing off an entire 750 ml all by yourself. 750 ml is about 25 ounces, meaning one bottle contains around 600 calories. Simply, if you want a margarita that has healthier calories, grab a bottle of tequila, fresh limes, lemons and honey as a sweetening agent, shake it all up sans ice in a mixer, then pour into an iced glass. Personally, alcohol isn't what I consider a "healthy" anything, so I'll stick with my liquor as distilled and deal with the calories and liver damage. As nature intended.

Drink this, homemade bloody mary, kids. Tomato, lemon juice, worcestershire, Tabasco, pepper, celery salt, celery seed and horseradish. Add all the ingredients to taste. Enjoy with or without alcohol.

I may or may not have a small problem when it comes to bar tools.

Don't wear this: Angry Birds anything. It's a game, people. It's only a game. The fact that these exist profoundly disturbs me and can't be good for the world. A sign of the Apocalypse? I wouldn't be surprised.

Midori Sour. The simple fact that Kim Kardashian calls it her drink of choice should be reason enough to walk away from this "cocktail." I don't even know of any bar I frequent that has it anymore, as the 80's are now 30 years in our past. Put that glass down and slowly back away from the drink. Look, over there, at the other end of the bar, a Pisco Sour! Hell yeah!

Just a friendly reminder... Make sure you have enough stuff to weather the storm.

I'm calling everything I make a Heineken.

Don't wear this. Pajama jeans. I can't even begin to describe how horribly, horribly wrong this is. You're a better person than this. I truly believe that about you.

On my way to perform for the fine folk at GQ and Bombay Sapphire. While i'm doing my thing for them, there's an Appleton Estate Reserve rum-off happening at Drink. You should go there and support a fantastic crew of bartenders. I would invite you to mine, but i've already used my 5 invitations. Go, watch real bartenders make real drinks and have a good time. What else are you going to do on a Monday night? 

This weekend I made a multitude of Mojitos and one Long Island Iced Tea. They didn't get the memo.

Pusser's rum. You know why, Pusser's. If you don't, Tumblr reader, check the link. 

No.