DON'T BE SHY TO ASK FOR HELP... I PROMISE, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

Depression definitely affects how you are with other people - and that includes those that you love. I know that when my husband when through his severe moment of depression, he would constantly pick fights with me. He never touched me. He didn’t even want to be around me and he would constantly push me away any chance he could get. After that depression cloud lifted, he was back to his old self: loving me, joking around with me, constantly wanting to hold me and kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am. And same for when I had my moment of severe depression. My husband thought I was cheating on him or that I had fallen out of love. I finally had to tell him that I’m going through a lot right now and keep falling in and out of depression, and that it’s making it hard for me to be close with anyone. So depression could be the major factor in what is going on between the two of you.

I would first focus on the depression and getting things cleared up. Find reasons to be positive. Find reasons to laugh and smile more. Keep yourself busy with cleaning and organizing and going out, taking walks, working out, hiking, whatever. Get your mind active so that it has little time to dwell on the negativity.

I would also take some time to think about why you’re distancing yourself from them. It is always possible to fall out of love with someone. It sucks, but it does happen and I’ve dealt with it once before. One day I thought I was in love and the next I couldn’t understand why I was with the person anymore. So make sure that hasn’t happened. Kiss them. Do you feel anything special? And I don’t mean a peck on the cheek. Kiss them passionately. Is there anything still there? Cuddle with them and when they wrap their arms around you, do you still feel warm and safe there? Even when you’re not in the mood to be held, let him hold you. Joke around with him. Be playful. Kiss him on the cheek randomly. Tell him you love him for no reason - just out of the blue.

Step one: stop calling yourself useless. You know that isn’t true. Don’t ever talk shit about yourself - even just to yourself. Unless you’re doing it sarcastically. Because there are plenty of dumb people in this world that feel a need to bring others down, and that will at times feel the need to bring you down. So if there are plenty of them, why do you need to add one more to the mix by being hard on yourself as well? 

As for what you should do with your crush... first thing, a little back story on my end. In high school, I hung out with the “gay group” of my grade. I thought I was bisexual. Now that I’m older I know that I am not. That goes the same for a few other bisexuals that were in that group back then. Whereas others are now fully lesbian. So, it can go either way. However I know a lot of people that my lesbian friends would date that were supposedly bi, and then they ended up being as straight as straight can be. So be careful with that and be absolutely positive that if you’re going to try and move forward with this person, that it’s something you can truly be with. Not someone that only dates guys but claims to be bi because “it’s the cool thing to do” or whatever. Or because “everyone else is doing it”. Ya know? Ask yourself: does she only date guys? Or does she date girls too? And if she does date girls; does she date them the exact same way as she dates guys? For example, does she hook up with them just like she would a guy? One thing that showed me that I was only experimenting and not actually bisexual was that when I did date a girl, we weren’t very physical with one another. Sure we made out but we didn’t go much further than that. Or only when we were drunk did we do much. 

If you truly believe this is someone who is bi and not someone who’s just doing it for the attention or because they think it’s the cool thing to do at the moment, then I say you bring it up. Text them if you really can’t bring yourself to say it face to face (but in person is always best, of course). Tell them that you like them more than a friend and you want to know if the feeling is mutual. Because if it is, you want more to come of it. And if it isn’t mutual, you can move along and find someone who feels the same way about you. Just be honest and up front. There is nothing wrong with that. And tell them, “I don’t want anything to change between us, so if you don’t feel the same way I feel about you about me, then that’s totally fine. Nothing has to change between us. I just need to know so I know which road to go down: do I pursue more or do I respect your feelings and stop flirting so I can focus on flirting with someone who I have a chance with?”

Have the two of you been together for long? And are this beliefs and opinions negatively affecting your relationship in other ways? Those are two things I would consider before jumping to a decision on leaving them. 

My husband and I have some extremely different opinions from one another. Some of the things he thinks, I think he’s ignorant to believe - and he also thinks some of mine are stupid. But besides when the topic comes up (and typically it happens one time and never again comes up), it doesn’t affect us or our relationship. He’s entitled to his thoughts and I’m entitled to mine. As long as our thoughts don’t affect the way we act physically, I see no harm in being with someone who doesn’t feel the same way as me on every topic.

Also, it’s okay to be picky, but don’t over do it or you’re going to miss out. No one is perfect and every single person you date is going to have flaws. There’s always gonna be something about them that annoys you. But part of being in a serious relationship is putting up with someone’s flaws and mistakes, and also making sacrifices and changes for the one you love. Long term relationships though, not short term. I don’t think you should change yourself for a new relationship unless it’s something severely unhealthy like you’re an alcoholic or a drug abuser and your new partner wants you to get clean or cut back. That’s understandable hah. But I think you get what I mean...

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, no means no and it’s as simple as that. If you’re not ready to take things all the way, or to whatever next level is next for the two of you, that is entirely your right. I would suggest, before taking any drastic measures, that you should wait for a time that the two of you are sitting and relaxed, in a good mood, and bring it up calmly. Tell him that when he does that, that it makes you extremely nervous. Let him know that him doing that now (or in the past) makes it so that you’re scared to do more things with him, because you’re scared if he doesn’t listen when you say no, what if he doesn’t stop doing something when you’re actually physically involved? That him doing it to you now is actually making things difficult for the future. And lastly, be sure to tell him that you feel completely disrespected when he does it and that it isn’t fair to you. If he isn’t going to respect you, what’s the point of being together? Two people who are together, especially long term, have to have respect for one another or it’ll never work out and you want your relationship to work. 

If it doesn’t stop, even after talking to him, I would say you may want to consider moving on. I know that isn’t the easy thing to do here, but is it worth being with someone that makes you think uncomfortable? That scares you? And like I mentioned, if he isn’t willing to listen to “no” now, what makes you think he will listen later when you’re doing something? What if you’re having sex and you’re in actual serious pain and he refuses to stop? What if something is physically and internally wrong and he doesn’t stop? Or what if one day he pushes it further than just pinning you down? What if he forces you to do things you aren’t ready to do or just don’t want to do? That would be rape. And that is not okay - whether you’re dating or not. Whether you’re in love or not. That does not matter. 

Thank you so much. I appreciate that and I hope so too. So far, I’ve learned from all of the bad I’ve experienced. I am hoping that happens again and that I can share the good and bad, the pros and cons, the good decisions and the bad that I make through it.