You Heard It From Don

1) Has the body of a blue rotary telephone. 

2) A silent soprano.

3) Takes pride in her elite pedigree, but is capable of acting humble. 

4) Always brings my (DON LOMBARDO’s) accomplishments into the conversation with a seamless transition.

5) Has emotions-- but only the good ones.

6) Is seen as motherly, but does NOT want children.

7) Can cook n clean like a 5 star restaurant. 

8) Boobs u can liken 2 fruit.

9) Looks like a soccer mom w/o the kids

10) Doesn’t talk much except on the blue rotary landline.

11) Hobby is listening. 

12) Job is modeling. 

12) She ballerinas on the side. 

13) She can afford a dishwasher but prefers 2 wash by hand.

14) Attracted 2 men but only men named DON.

NOW THIS IS A WOMAN. 

Good news, ladies! 

I'm now offering my popular online course: Women, Sex, and Power, a six week intensive taught by renowned women professor DON LOMBARDO. In this course, each student will have the opportunity to think about what makes a woman a woman and why she is (or is not!) sexy, and how she can improve her sex appeal to get more preferential treatment (power) from men who might otherwise disregard her. 

This course is open to any woman, so it's open to you. In preparation for session 1, please read everything I ever wrote and compose a five sentence biography of your trajectory as a woman, as well as a 1-sentence manifesto of where you see yourself in 5 years. I will critique each of these written assignments as well as your face, voice, body language, and body.  

My credentials for teaching this course include being a professor, being a man, being attracted to SOME women, and a discerning eye that has been remarked upon by journalists from every major magazine in the U.S., Canada, and Europe.

Sign up now. Payment is $200/session plus enforced gratuity. -DON LOMBARDO 

Women Professor 

Harvard, Columbia, Yale, Princeton, Other Ivy League Colleges and Universities 

800-DON-LOMBO Ext. 1

D ubious O n top of my game N o-nonsense

-Della is PROUD of the fact that she can’t cook.

-Della believes that emotions are more real than money.

-Della uses humor to avoid talking about raunchy/intimate subjects.

-Della likes to pass herself off as a very private person. 

-Della was once kicked out of a summer camp.

-Della was once kicked out of a summer camp because she made up stories about doing salacious things in front of boys, which she never would have had the balls to do. 

-Della’s dog is the boss of Della, even though from an evolutionary standpoint, Della has every right to be the boss.

-Della can barely work a computer.

-Della teaches a class called “Bringing Down Hardworking Businessmen”

-Della steals thermostats FOR FUN.

-Della is a very sentimental person.

-Della refuses to congratulate me, DON LOMBARDO, although I have told her that she must.

-I, DON LOMBARDO, plan to reveal Della’s real name if she does not congratulate me before 4:45 pm today.