COZE

I want so desperately to believe that there’s more to my own existence than what it is currently. I’m waiting for a higher purpose - a calling. I’m waiting to wake up one day with a clear and defined goal in my head. 

It’s a contradiction of human existence, needing purpose. It’s a raw and real moment to have with yourself to admit that the only surety that you can guarantee is that one day you will die. Our purpose is essentially death. 

The actualisation of self comes when you begin to understand that what happens in the time that you are on this earth has to be digested in your own mind for you to be able to find purpose and direction.

I, as Dominic, believe myself to be unworthy and I reinforce that within myself. I perpetuate my own negativity and shame. My own inner voice tells me that I am unloveable, that I am tarnished, that I am not worthy of happiness. I have carried shame within me for so long that I have lived my entire life finding ways of avoiding my shame. I have lived, telling myself an old story for too long. 

My “story” has defined me and I have entered onto a roundabout in which I have never gotten out of, the centrepiece of which is the pain of my childhood. I have lived in the past and therefore I have lived in my pain.

I realised that the creative outlet that this provides me is something that I have missed and something that the lack of which has changed me. I have ideas, I have thoughts, I have pieces of me that I want to share. I want to talk about my life, my feelings, my opinions, my hopes and my fears.