Ivy

cannot afford to let that bullshit happen again. i haven’t ate in two days after weening myself off food again.

i feel so fucking gross and heavy and it’s like i’m poisoning myself which i don’t think makes any sense. anyway.

normally if i’m working i’ll eat something really tiny like a pickle or a few bites of chicken just to have something so i don’t get faint in the heat of the kitchen. i’ve always wanted to feel that faint empty feeling but i don’t handle discomfort very well at all.

i lasted really well until about 830pm and my brain got all fuzzy and everything got really hot and i wasn’t able to walk very well cause it was so fucking hot and it wasn’t helping at all. the heat with the faintness made me nauseous cause i’m a lil pussy and i ended up throwing up a few times. (just all my water and then this morning i threw up stomach acid so i’ve hit the bottom.)

my coworkers who noticed my relapse tried to get me to eat but that sent me into a panic when they slapped food down in front of me. i started crying and that embarrassed me but the way they held me and told me i was going to be just fine. that i’m beautiful and that i didn’t have so anything hard for the rest of the shift during break down was so nice.

it’s another water fast day. my grandmothers funeral was yesterday and i had to eat food because my mother was making making me feel guilty.

i should be able to burn it off quickly..i hope so…if i gain after all this progress i’ll die

“but you’re not gonna look right at that weight.”

“you’ll loose all your ass and boobs.”

“you’re fine the way you are.”

told him the fat would never take me alive again and he laughed.

i mean it though. if i start gaining weight again after being overweight since i was 13, i don’t think i could handle that.

the biggest reason i think i lost weight is because i smoke a lot of weed for my depression and anxiety. whenever i feel hungry and the such, i smoke or drink carbonated water. i cut down to eating one small meal or snack a day and a lot of days i wouldn’t eat at all.