ivory&gold

i am not good at everything. i am rarely good at anything. right now i feel like we are sitting in the middle of a storm and no matter how much bailing i do this boat is still sinking. it’s really overwhelming to be small and have my own problems and also think about how little i can do in the face of the rest of the world’s issues. i donate my pocket money to non-profits and i think: those twenty dollars were my whole week’s food and they are barely a drop in the ocean. 

but i learn how to say “it’s okay” in Portuguese because my coworker needs to hear it. i help her wash her shaking hands and whisper it to her. she cries silently, the panicked tears of someone trapped in a new country. if i am saying it wrong she never corrects me.

i hope kindness works like ripples. that the circle expands exponentially. i hope kindness snowballs. i don’t care if it ever comes back to me. in ninth grade we were taught to be the change we wanted to see. i tried that. but i’m just me. i already knew at that age that everything was too big to swallow. that what i wanted to be different need time and power and money.

so i change the little things. i babysit the boy and teach him words i learn on youtube at four in the morning. thank you. you’re welcome. i like you. please. you’re my friend. you’re good and i love you. 

yesterday the girl at work slowly stopped crying and then she laughed for the first time in a long time. the sound echoed in the room like lightning. it shot up my spine. she left not quite smiling.