Doc Sarge's Painkiller Carousel

When we were about halfway through the editorial process on this article a different writer that I'd worked with on-and-off for the past three years took her own life. I didn't know her too closely, but I still have her number in my phone and we had some inside jokes and even had a couple of stalled projects that I had been putting off finishing because other stuff kept coming up. For a while I kept thinking about how maybe if I had checked in with her more often or something she wouldn't have made this mistake.

Which is silly because I was just a tiny part of her life and I can't possibly know what my impact would've been and I can't make this my responsibility, I'm not God, I'm not even particularly strong, I don't control the world and can only barely keep my own life together. But it's also not silly because I know that suicide is usually a split-second decision, and that the difference between a successful and failed suicide can be a fraction of a millimeter, and that people who do survive (like "Jessica," who wrote this article with me) immediately regret their decision and realize they've wanted to live all along. Then they recover and go on to have wonderful lives. Tiny things at the right moment can change your life forever.

1. Remember to respect your elders. Always.

2. Turn signals! For god’s sake, kids, the freeway isn’t a line-dance, you don’t just swing around willy-nilly.

2. Learn Your Parents’ Names.

3. Their true names -- not just “mom” and “dad” or “Laura” and “Robert,” but the secret names they keep in their heart.

4. Learn to sign documents without reading them first. Like these ones. Sign these documents.

5. Follow me into this tunnel.

6. Learn to ignore weird humming sounds. Humming sounds are a natural part of growing older. Accept that they are normal and pointing them out is both rude and weird.

7. Lay in this chair and close your eyes.

8. You’ll feel a slight prick on the inside of your elbow. Ignore it, I’m just taking a blood sample.

9. Rap is not music. I cannot stress this enough. Real music requires musical instruments, not just “sampling” or whatever you kids call it.

10. One day you’ll get old. Some of you will realize that your chance to change the world is gone, and hate yourself for how few chances you took and the pitiful legacy you’ll leave. You’ll see younger people around you making the same mistakes and hate them for not being born with the wisdom you’ve earned only through years of hard work and learning. But instead of imparting that wisdom to them, you’ll get angry at them for being braver than you and exploring the world with a freshness and enthusiasm that you can’t feel anymore.

11. The humming isn’t getting louder. That’s your imagination.

I remember this immense feeling of relief and satisfaction when we figured out the root of our disagreement: he felt that a small central government, affording more personal liberties, was extremely important to a healthy society. I placed more value on social services, like healthcare and schools. Neither of us disagreed with what the other one wanted, we just disagreed on how to get there. These conversations, and the ensuing revelation, has colored my understanding of politics and debate all through my adult life.

Anyway, today there’s a big controversy over Hillary Clinton pointing out that a big chunk of Trump’s supporters are constantly screaming ethnic slurs. Trump, the nominee of the “small government” party, wants to use his presidential powers to build a 2,000 mile wall along our southern border and deport Muslims. I cannot, off the top of my head, remember anything that Hillary Clinton has been vocal about that I strongly agree with -- I’m planning on voting for her because her speeches aren’t interchangeable with Dr. Doom’s dialogue balloons from any given Fantastic Four comic.

Me: Hey, an NPC!

NPC: Hello! I'm Gerald, and I own the sky!

Me: WTF.