Author D.N. Schmidt

I'm D.N. Schmidt. I'm a science fiction author, humorist, and a brain in a jar. Follow me for stories, jokes, and writing advice.

Here's some help finding my stuff:

Humor - Funny articles and short jokes

True Stories - Things that actually happened to me... Probably.

Writing about Writing - Creativity tips, writing advice, and more.

Writing Prompts and Story Ideas

Flash Fiction

Fantasy stories

Urban fantasy stories

Science fiction stories

Horror stories

And there's more if you just take a look around...

When a wizard and his monkey need help with a noble quest, they soon regret their choice of hero. Some folks just don't want to save the world!

Since folks have been talking about those evil Meta glasses, here’s a science fiction story on its way to becoming reality.

A woman discovers her new boyfriend’s charming personality disappears whenever the Wi-Fi goes out. A seven-minute read.

Instead of Starbucks, make coffee at home!

Instead of buying a Mercedes, lease a Lexus!

Rachel walked into her bedroom around midnight, yawning and stretching. As she pulled some pajamas from her dresser, she felt like she was being watched. Several small frogs were sitting on a planter and looking into her window.

The morning of Becky's wedding, a golden rift opened in the middle of the banquet hall. The families gasped as out stepped Petrichor, a local god. He spread his hands, glowing like the dawn. "I bless this union. May you both —"

"You didn't RSVP!" Becky snapped, scowling down from the stage.

Her soon-to-be husband, Dave, blanched. "He's not trying to crash the wedding. He's a god, dear. A minor one, more on the level of a fairy or a particularly talented unicorn, but still pretty goddish."

Wesley sank deeper, gravity pulling him into the briny darkness.

A mysterious glow appeared. It was peaceful and welcoming, seeming to promise eternal rest. Voices said "Don't go towards the light!"

Ezra drew his Never-Was Gun. "Give me the beacon!"

"It doesn't matter now," Will said, tossing the device. "It's too late. I already sent the signal! They're coming!"

Ezra stared at the beacon's flashing light and groaned. He had failed. Again. "I should have edited you when I had the chance."

As the glacier melted, a crack widened into a deep crevasse. After ten thousand years, Glothnar The Crusher escaped his icy prison. The giant climbed to the surface and shook the ground with a roar. "At last, humanity shall face my wrath!"

The Chained Space Series is about living in an absurd universe full of doubts, evil, and broken tech, but deciding to go on anyway because people need you. If things get bad, you can just have some instant noodles. Carbs are good for existential angst, right?

The protagonist is a super hero whose magic is fueled by the power of friendship, so they have to introduce themself to bystanders during every battle.

"Food Court is nearly over," the TV chef said. He turned to the camera, his black robe swirling dramatically. "It's time for the Final Judgement! Susan, your consommé was flawless! You're this season's big winner!"

"Thank you!" she gasped. "My grandmother will be so proud of me. She always supported my —"

"But Greg," the host continued, "your soufflé didn't rise. You know what that means... I sentence you to twenty years in food prison. Bailiff, take him away."

A man obsessed with call-in shows finds an old phone book that lets him call any TV show he wants. He gives sitcom characters relationship advice, and whenever a TV detective is struggling, he calls to give them some hints.

A muscular man immersed his body in the sand, hiding himself in a small hole. "I'll stop a beach crime someday," he muttered. "They'll see!" He wiggled, struggling to scratch his back. He had sand in his costume again. "How does this keep happening? I'm completely sealed in spandex!"