Black Coffee And Cigarettes

Hi everyone. It’s been a while. I wanted to hop on here really quickly because im finally deleting the app that fueled my eating disorder for over a decade. i want to tell you that if you arent ready to recover yet, thats okay. we all have our own timelines. but if anything in you wants to recover, i highly encourage you to try. i havent felt good in a really long time, and i still have a long way to go, but eating has helped me think, helped me work through my trauma, helped my anger issues, helped my anxiety, etc. it helps my prozac work. i am finally starting to feel better. i never thought id feel better. goodbye my friends. i hope that you all recover one day. i hope you all feel better one day. i love you all. if you ever need anything, im on instagram. @thesunanditsgravity. good luck to you all ❤️

Recovery is hard. Like, my skin is clearing up, I’m pooping every day, I am less angry, my head hurts less, I can think better, but every time I see how my body is changing, my mind immediately starts trying to give me eating rules, and I feel bad about myself.. I have no idea how much I weigh which scares the shit out of me and I’m struggling, but I’m also determined to get through this, and it’s the first time in my life where I’m surrounded with people who love me and I feel save being vulnerable. Stay safe everyone ❤️

I’m going to recover I think? The film fell from my eyes and I finally saw what I really look like at 96lbs. I’m angry all the time, I feel like shit all the time, I can’t sleep, I get winded, I can’t focus, I can’t handle my emotions, I look disgusting, I need help.

I paid off $1000 of my $13k credit card debt last night, reducing my credit usage from 81% to 70%. I’m really hoping this increases my credit score so I can refi my car, $800 car payments are really hard when you’re already buried in debt.

Crash

I have officially made a exercise class friend! We signed up for this thing called class pass where we can go to all sorts of classes together for one flat fee a month. Im excited because I’ve never had someone to keep me accountable in fitness and I’ve really wanted to get into Pilates and spin.

I have kidney stones, I’m dying, and yet I’m here at the office like a crazy person

Got a notification today saying I’ve had this blog for 2 years. Now that’s an accomplishment, I still fear the t word, but I’ve lasted 2 years!

My life doesn’t feel like mine. It doesn’t feel real. It feels like I’m floating and being slammed against every obstacle. The only thing I can feel is anxiety, I’m so depressed but all I feel is my heart beating against my chest fast and hard and a nauseated bubbling in my stomach. I can’t breathe. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. I need serious help.

I broke up with my boyfriend today. I think I’m gonna die.